No Mames Guey!
Play Videos and Listen While You Read Through To Next Tune and then STOP. What is the THEME? I read it as she weeps. This one has something on it. "That is what I said." The strange bard retorted....
Sound Off….
10/18/2012
I started thinking about a few things and kept having to remind myself, what I think are just my opinions. I am holding back, biting my tongue, not disclosing what I really want to say. I can do that sometime; I mean shut my mouth about certain things. \
My shit, fuck it. I challenge myself to see how fucking honest I can actually be, yet there are times I don’t want to express anything. That’s a conundrum for a writer that is supposed to well, write, trippy like I know right?
My friends, they seen this Pauley’s story of mine is how I let what’s bugging me out. Or I use it to discuss a topic I feel should be discussed. I can’t do all I’d like when it comes to affecting change and shit like that, but I can use writing for something positive, though right now it’s my issues with my kids.
I didn’t stand up, got over my fears, and fought tooth and nail. People tell me I couldn’t because of I was sick, it doesn’t make me feel better. Another issue I want to let out, is how, actually never mind.
I’m not sure if I’m having a minor mood swing , but it feels like it. I feel slightly discouraged, but I’m too stubborn to give up. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a fucking coward, well sometimes on some things; but it’s this pressure only I impose on myself, to be more than what I am. I’ll admit something on the verge of being shallow; actually never mind on that too.
I want a cigarette right but I’m not going to the gas station to buy a pack. I’m chewing gum and peeled and ate an orange. I’m drinking water and well, when it cools down, do a bit of shadow boxing and push-ups, whatever… This goes back to what I think and feel is shallow by the standards that apply to me.
In order to feel strong and brave, I act like a guy and do shit they do to keep them steady. My friend John, he told me to thin out my arms and yet the physical therapist that I worked with me a while, she said mine are awesome and gave me that compliment. Basically what I’m saying about the shallow; fuck I can’t even say it. Give me a few…
How much thinking do I have to do self?
How much fucking emotion do I have to bleed self?
Self, why are you talking to you?
I don’t know but I made myself laugh. John actually said
“Don’t worry when you talk to yourself, do it when you start answering.”
I just wiped my eyes and nose. Anyway to keep this Pauley’s related…
The Gina in the story, she’s a lot like me but tougher when not worried. Right now I am. This goes back to wanting to be more like a guy that can fake it and by all appearances, aren’t fucking afraid. You know how I know this is bullshit?
I know someone that was a Meat On A String that was dangling while he was being shot at and….
He survived.
With that I’m going to change the subject with…
There is a comparison association. Listen for it. "Return to Reading" me.
(Prepare 2 Glean.... .)
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING ISSUE OF MOST NOT GIVING ENOUGH OF A FUCK ABOUT THOSE THAT ARE FUCKING TRUDGING THE SHIT TO KEEP US FROM FUCKING ANNIHILATION FROM GENOCIDE!?!?!?! I’M FUCKING SERIOUS!!! IT’S LIKE FEW EVEN REMEMBER WHAT A ZEALOT IS AND FUCKING DOES….
****Think Deep, always check your reflection, even with a mirror. That can easily be me. If I become an art student, I'm a step closer to fucking becoming Hitler. Think about it and ask yourselves back whatever was the fucking lesson of the day.****
I didn’t stop caring and couldn’t tune out though it was best I did for a while. I still don’t want to read the names on the Department of Defense press releases or at least not until I am drunk to numb a bit and read thousands of them. I've read through them before to look for a friend, another Doc. My heart stopped when I read a name the was similar. It wasn't him.
"Doc, where ever you are, thanks for getting me away and getting me to be still under the stars in silence. I like your grandparents. You were a trip Mac. Drink To The Foam!" ~Cass
This, I don’t fucking talk about with anybody, so consider yourselves lucky like Aces of Spades. A lot of my military friends, they moved on and for morale’s sake, it’s best to vent it quietly somewhere else. Me I got Pauley’s and I can say exactly what I think about, but right now?
Fuck right now.
I’m listened to Church bells a few seconds ago. It was off Dropkick Murphys’ Meanest of Times and the song title is “Never Forget” St. Mary’s here in Boyle Heights, the bell doesn’t get rung anymore. Sometimes when I pass by and go inside to pray and zone, the organ is played. It sounds like Phantom of the Opera at times, but others praying with their rosary beads, their voices can hypnotize.
I usually visit La Virgen de Guadalupe, she’s Mother Mary but for Mexican Catholics. I go hang out with her on my knees out of respect, maybe tradition and habit; and this on the bare floor. I go and chill.
Afterwards, I got to the dark nook only lit by prayer candles, to see the other Mother Mary statue, with two other female Saints. Both those chicks are nuns and I bet you wouldn’t have guessed it, but I wanted to be a nun when I was 13. It didn’t work out. Anyway back to the story…
One of the nuns is St. Rita that I have mentioned and she also dealt with stigmata, according to what I read about her. She was always in pain. I’ve been told I have “Emotional Stigmata” but it’s the bipolar thing. Whatever.
Now to bring me back to home plate so I can copy and paste this shit. I envy and I don’t, what men hide and avoid, which is weakness. I know another infamous generalization, but Boys Don’t Cry which again is bullshit. I was asked earlier today in a comment, what is my fave attribute in a guy… I answered I didn’t know, but I feel it’s their trust to show their vulnerable side sometimes.
The sun is gold right now at 5:48pm. In my room, the only sound is of me typing slowly and whispering the words you are reading, as I went. Outside, cars are driving by, a plane flying, and conversations in Spanish.
It’s calm. I wouldn’t say also sad.
I got to vent and sound off a bit so I regained composure and am holding my head up high. I don’t want to be more like a man at this moment anymore. I know women that are strong and not just physically.
I miss the packs I belonged to but I am getting close to the dames from The Beauty In Me Women’s Circle. They consider me the writer of the group.
I wonder why.
~L.G. Flores