“I feel like a pinball….”
****Annotated****
In Annotation and Director's Commentary of what there is to come. As well as learning how to carry on and picking yourself up by your boot straps before the straightjacket ones get pulled tight.
Listening to Depeche Mode “Enjoy The Silence”
Stereo Instructions
Part 2
Play Music Videos For The Soundtrack As You Read. Turn The Volume Down A Little If It Is Too Distracting. Point Is To Try To Pay Attention At Two Things At Once While Listening To Words That Stand Out In Song, And How It Connects With What Is Read And What It Can Mean If A Puzzle Is What It'll Be.
(Re-Posted on the Pauley's Facebook Page -- February 4, 2013 -- Revised March 17, 2015 -- Revised again July 4, 2015)
****Hey there my Fellow Groove Monkehs that like Darwin, I hope you all are well and if not, think your way out. So I posted “I feel like a pinball….” in the blogs (referring to original Pauley's landing page) which had a trial run on here some months back and the reviews were fantastic!
It’s become the favorite so far among my friends both online and off. It starts off the first “Pauley’s” book “Pauley’s Retarded Children."
I know the title is controversial, and there is a reason for that. It's an attention grabber for the sake of getting an overall message through. I want to ask those reading to ask themselves how insensitive of a word it has become. We use it as a put down insult so the connotation is there. But do we really notice how it slips in to our psyche because most of us are born "normal" and the rest were "not"?
And sadly there are orphans that weren't considered "perfect" enough to love them. But humanity isn't so lost, that those with "specific" not just "special needs", have care givers I ask my concept of God to bless, for their dedication to what could be heartbreaking at times, but also inspirational.
I added to the title "Prelude To Letting Go" but it’s more about starting off the journey that comes full circle. I wrote it as a peace offering to the friend that is spoken about to “Paul Chou” that is a play on St. Paul and my therapist’s last name because at the end he listens to me, and she is very supportive of what I hope to accomplish.
The whole book series was a peace offering actually, and it’s also a way for me to record my memoirs, pay tribute, deal with issues/concerns and give my friends something to read. The peace offering however didn't rebuild the bridge. And I was right. "Doc" was in distress.
The guy I was once cool with I nicknamed "Spooner" because he joked about him and his partner spooning in the back of their ambulance rig, parked close enough to a motel, to "borrow" wi-fi for his laptop; and said his partner would be the little spoon; he changed in to someone that seemed bitter and cynical.
Like life made him mean. I suppose the Ten of Swords summed it up with facing the reality "Spooner" and "Cassi" won't ever be cool again. The bridge would not be rebuilt. And in a way, I rather not be friends with who he became. It's a sad shame, but life goes on.
Modern English "Melt With You" came on the radio, and played when something the odds of were just too uncanny to not wonder; I felt nostalgic. I was reading back a blog I posted and just as I began to read which song I was listening to when I composed the blog, that song began to play.
It reminds me of Nicolas Cage that played a punker from Hollywood in "Valley Girl" like y'know and stuff?
He later went on to play the part of a burnt out scorched Paramedic in "Bringing Out The Dead" that has the coolest punk song score for one of my Top 5 Favorite movie scenes I've ever seen! The Clash "Janie Jones" and Tom Sizemore. Scorsese is a badass!
I looked him up and found out he was still alive; but his attitude, his ego, his pride.... I appreciate the time we were cool, but he too needed a grave within my memories, and now I tell a shoretale of a fabled war veteran Medic that deep thinking, considered was the 4th left behind; "....and rolled in to what was meant to be forgotten, and nothing more."
About this chapter. The key character is the “shinny, silver, metal, pinball” for it represents the friend I lost. The date January 9, 2013 is the third anniversary of the day I lost my cool with this friend and have felt remorse. Funny how I would remember that remorse and held on rather than letting it go. It's the Catholic in me.
I wrote the pinball unofficial first chapter months before that date, in Summer 2012. It felt like I was releasing the emotions to further heal from the unspoken.
{Why I’m listening to “Enjoy The Silence” right now. Yes I know not "rock n' roll" as the rest of the songs aren't as well, but It's a good song and it fit the mood of the annotation.}
And as of now, the journey of a ‘1,000 miles….
{Reference to The Proclaimers song “500 miles” covered by Down By Law that has stood out since in Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell", and featured below with Rise Against and "Savior".}
....he was part of; this friend was important to me for reasons he really has no clue about or would open his mind to understand.
Back in 2009 when we were e-buddies still, he emailed me with one eerie sentence that did haunt me for it was profound in its simplicity. He said “I feel like a pinball in a pinball machine.” He didn’t explain why but I had an idea of why he would say it.
I used to think I was projecting, looking back at it with 20/20 hindsight; or at least that was my hope because I was really worried about him like he would have a nervous breakdown and contemplate his mortality like many war veterans have and sadly still do.
As I figured, if it was all just projected, then he wasn't in distress then and he didn't return with issues related to his deployments. If he had given up, he would have been survived by his child I nicknamed "Kiddo" and many more loved ones.
Movie Clip Break. Watch Martin Scorsese Show His Genius In Vision, For Imagining The Sped Up Affect And Using Light and Shadows To Bring You In To A Tunnel. Wanting To Get There In Time To Watch Someone Kill Themselves, Tom Sizemore Played a Perfect Prick. After Watching, Continue to Next Song With The Bravery "Honest Mistake".... Cool Video To Watch Too!
He was a war veteran that witnessed things no person should ever, and on top of that he was a Medic and that comes with its own unique set of problems, especially up in the air.
I was familiar with what happens to service members and "Doc" when they return stateside. He also was dealing with other shit and well I felt compassion towards him and I prayed that things get better for him. I would leave behind long messages for him to read for a doozie trip that lost him half the time, to repay the favor of buying me time to get out of Dodge with my son.
That's why I felt so much gratitude towards him. His depression seemed deep and I tried reminding him he's strong and not lose hope things will get resolved, and his stress reduced. He gave me a scare when he turned his back on the world, after going through an upset with his heart.
I tried to cheer him up after color left his cyber world. He was a special case of needing to remember he got in to punx for a reason, and if he harnessed it, he will find answers.
One male friend read the original edit for "I feel like a pinball...." that I had not annotated yet; while the rest of us in my room were hanging out. He said the part that stood out to him was “the pinball looks to be trapped in the middle of chaos….” The males I asked to review, were moved by it and it became a matter of asking ourselves which one are we?
Are we the pinball or are we the machine?
A "conundrum requisite" to get insight and inside the happy hour symposium. Okies enough of that, you proof of evolution, got first dibs on reading how much thought and effort that goes in to my allegory of a story. Now to annotate! ~L.G
Continue To Read Along With The Bravery "Honest Mistake" To Soundtrack A Messenger For The Chirp--Over.
Prelude To Letting Go: “I feel like a pinball….”
By L.G. Flores
(Written June 2012 Re-post Revision June 2014 Revision March 17, 2015 Revision July 4, 2015)
*Wednesday January 9, 2013 (Three years later.) {Real anniversary.}
7:07pm
{January= 1 + 9 + 2 + 0 + 1 + 3= 16… 1+6 =7… 7, 7:07pm = 777 Lucky/ 7+7+7= 21 Blackjack Win
{Blackjack= Black Knight in Chess since it felt like for a while that's how he would play with me trying to reach out and I didn't like it so I "forfeited" that round, he was giving me mixed signals.... in Tarot a Jack is a Knight as well. This one is of Spades/Swords.
This dude is on a journey. With his speed, he brings messages of caution and a need to stay alert, so PAY ATTENTION!!!!
When he comes up in a reading, he's tells to pay attention to coming events. He can also represent a person or event that is coming. He cuts to the chase and tells the truth even if it is harsh. Yet he is courteous and kind and has good intentions. He is also quick witted and sharp. In other words, dude is someone cool you want on your side.
Because he expects others to function like him, he can seem pushy at times. Still his focus never wavers. He is courageous and skillful, who with his good mind can be a helpful adviser. He defends the 'underdog' and is concerned with getting the truth of the matter out in the open. This dude you do not bullshit, but he can sure predict it.
"Forewarned is Forearmed".
However if dude appears reversed in a spread; delays, apprehension, conflicts or battles yet to be won can be what he represents. There may be difficulty maintaining stamina, strength, or mental attitude and he's not able to cope because mentally he is spent. Think stressed out cool dude checking out and who knows when he'll check back in; and what returns with him.
He may also be unable to help or warn others of an impending trauma and that can get to someone over time. Also if reversed, he can be drama of arguments and dogma of no longer cool dude's dictatorship; always ready to start a fight or war, like a pendejo.
He can also be someone who's opposed to the thoughts and actions of others at the moment. He may also represent dishonesty and deception, so in any event, caution is advised. Este guey is saying, "Whachale it could get sporting soon!"}
*The Iron Horseshoe Tavern
{Good Luck--When kept as a talisman, a horseshoe is said to bring good luck. Some believe that to hang it with the ends pointing upwards is good luck as it acts as a storage container of sorts for any good luck that happens to be floating by, whereas to hang it with the ends pointing down, is bad luck as all the good luck will fall out. Others believe that the horseshoe should be hung the other way with the ends pointing down as it will then release its luck to the people around it)...
Ponygirl (my old nickname based on Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders)
Epona (Goddess in Gallo-Roman religion, protector of horses and she and her horses lead souls on their ride to the after-life)
Saint Martin of Tours/San Martin Caballero aka Saint Martin the Horse Rider (Soldier that cut his robe to give a nearly naked beggar some covering. Later in a dream, Saint Martin seen the beggar was Jesus Christ.)
Horses as spirit animals are believed to represent your inner strength and driving force in life. A typical symbolism for the horse is one of an animal representing physical strength, vitality, but also our psychological or emotional ability to go on in life. Horses are sensitive creatures.
According to psychologist Dr. Carl Jung, horses symbolize natural forces mastered by human beings. Just like we harness a horse to ride it or use its power, we can harness our own energy or nature’s to serve us and bring us further.
In this ideology, a horse spirit animal, especially when it appears to you in a dream, is likely to represent your energy or drive to express your authentic self and succeed in life. This spirit animal could also be a reflection of how well you deal with your primitive desires and urges, whether you live with them in harmony or if they are difficult to control. Think "Hold your horses!"}
“Gina, want another *Rolling Rock?"
{Sysiphus in Greek mythology was punished for all eternity to roll a boulder (rock) up hill only to see it roll back down = Struggle/ Up hill battle… BUT for me there could be a contradiction in defiance of the Gods=“Get over it with The Hill and let the Fucker Roll! = Rock n’ Roll became the sound of defying modern convention, and look how far that sound has come even if in the Rockabilly scene, it returns to its roots.
White Horse head on green bottle = White Knight reference from Chess, but it also refers to a person or thing that comes to someone's aid. However there is "White Knight Syndrome" that is also known as "Young Man's Disease" which typically is a male that rushes to the aid of a female in distress or is attracted/falls in love with that "damsel".
A lot of military men are or can't help but be "White Knights." But as it applies to this story, I'm the one that started acting as one.
In dreams it is believed that a black horse could represent a part of the shadow self or a part of your personality that one usually prefers is kept hidden; instinctual urges operating in the dark recess of our minds; the unknown, what is mysterious. Think also "The Dark Side" when the worst in us shows that hurts others in a sinister way, or it could be depression, paranoia, PTSD. It's bad Juju any way you look at it.......
Pay & Play Attention To The Flow Out Of Letting Go Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. What She Said He May Have Read Or Thought Instead That....
"I'll destroy everything I touch in one great display of moving on from what no longer served me.
I'll destroy me and old binds that lead to longings of wishes not meant to be wished, but wished anyway as it just fades away to shadow grey.
That is the weather forecast for today."
However in dreams a white horse is associated with elevating your mood or spiritual aspirations; the white horse is a s symbol for developing awareness of your instincts and intuition. Think enlightenment and healing from what has hurt deeply. Finding the strength to overcome.
The green glass refers to the film "Return to Oz."
In this, "Dorothy" was saved from a psychiatric experiment back in Kansas, by a mysterious girl, and returns to Oz to battle it out all over with a different witch and the "Nome King" (Tyrants).
There is a scene with a room full of objects and only so many tries are given to Dorothy and her friends/allies that enter one at a time to touch the objects to rescue others from Oz and break the curse that turned them in to objects, but if they choose incorrectly, they become cursed themselves. It is figured out anything green in that room was someone from Oz.
"The Tin Man" stand in in this film, because the Tin Man was turned in to stone along with "Scarecrow", is "Tik-Tok" that is a mechanical man that looks like a WWI Dough Boy with his helmet and buttons. He was turned in to a medal and luckily got hooked on the "Gump's" antler that was given new life. It was a moose like creature, whose head was mounted as a trophy. It along with furniture and whatever could be used to keep it together, was enchanted and it was one crazy ride!
First thought that came to mind when I heard "Gump" is a "gimp" that is a slang term for someone that is physically disabled. Many wounded service members that were injured, feel they are this, but that word has not stop many to adjusting with prosthetics and other aids.
The connection to me is about Tik-Tok being turned in to a medal, is that there is a military saying about service members from each of the branches of our Armed Forces; all bleed green.
However going back to the psychiatric experiment, what was shown was early "modern" methods of psychiatric treatment. It was "electro-shock treatment" that the Ramones also sang about; that then along with lobotomies were beyond questionable.
Since it's introduction as a way to "reboot" the brain, many advances have been made and it has helped many with my illness of being Bipolar, live more functional lives, but this is recommended for extreme cases with 50/50 odds. Loss of some memory is common.
If the bad ones could be isolated and purged, that may seem ideal, especially for the traumatized, but such as it has become with my own PTSD, it is not worth forgetting my bad memories if I also lose part of my positive memories, like forgetting I have children and my love for them. I have learned I am capable of learning from my bad memories and making peace with them, rather than allow them to control my life any further.
I also see I am lucky to be capable because I received intervention in time and got the help I needed before I went through with my plan of over dosing because I felt so hopelessly stuck. I consider the 'Cavalry' made it in time before I started popping.
Took the fuckers a while, but they did help with reinforcements. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts since March 2011. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling grateful for my support community and mental health team.}
I’m thinking two is enough, but fuck it, I’m already back there. “Yea, sure.” Mikey leaves me at the pinball machine while he goes get me my horsey beer. I check my coin purse for quarters...
{25 cents (I was collecting certain years)... 1/4 of $1.00/100... how far of a drag race mile... 1 past 24...24hrs in a day +1... "Twenty-twenty, twenty four hours ago, I wanna to be sedated" Ramones}
(Cont.) since the coin machine was out; I have a few games’ worth. {Guess it’s enough to deal with you and get it over with.}
{Said towards the game/Facing a painful memory}
I pull two out and insert them in the slot. The machine lights up and I pull the knob pin back. The pinball shoots out. I begin to press the side buttons. I’m listening to the dings, pings, as well as the rings. I keep it going for 20 seconds, then lose. I get another turn. I take out two more quarters, stick them in the slot and go again. Knob pin pulled back, then released.
This shiny, silver, metal pinball {friend}, nothing to be intimidated by; shoots out fast again. I manage a minute this time. Mikey returns with my Rolling Rock. “You’re getting better.” he tells me. I don’t respond, too focused on the game. I keep the pinball moving then miss, game over.
“Here, drink your beer and watch the expert.”
“Cool.” Is all I could say. {What If he knew?}
{Is it asked of Michael or of former friend?}
Mikey hands me both beers and demonstrates once more, he is better at knocking that ball around in that *fucking {My resentment towards game that the pinball is "trapped" in} machine. He’s good and I finish my Rolling Rock before he’s done showing off; he sees this.
“Are you okay baby?”
I couldn’t fake it but tried anyway.
“Yea, why you ask?”
“You don’t look like you’re having fun.”
“I had a hard day. Hey is it cool if I get another Rolling Rock?”
“Of course, Josie will put it on my tab, get me another one too.”
Back in 2005 I would be drawn to when this song played on the radio. I would wake up in the middle of the night, it seemed, just to listen to it like some ESP thing.
I thought of someone that took the place of another, but what really remained was a song to hold on to for the memories that harmonize the life lessons each new face distracted me with.
There was a time when it was, but now as you take a look at me now; it takes me back to the Light Bulb Pear Tree that came to me after I seen some old, vintage curtain valance.
Funny how one tanned too much, and the other should have a bit. Things thought of when I was waiting for my dinner to be ready....
Play the song as you continue reading, and listen if you catch that it was back in June.
http://youtu.be/iUHjDJxkcSE
I leave Mikey’s side and that machine to ask Josie for the two beers. She also notices I’m rather quiet, not being my usual, warm self.
“You okay Gina?”
“Yea, just one of those days.”
“Well don’t let it bring you down, another Rolling Rock?”
“Please, and one for Mikey.”
“Coming right up.”
I check my coin purse, no more quarters. “Josie can I buy some quarters from you?”
“Machine out?”
“Yes.”
“How much do you need?”
“Is four bucks too much?”
“I could do *two.”,
“That works.”
I hand her *two dollars and now have 8 quarters and the two bottles. I turn back and see Mikey isn’t at the pinball machine or at the pool table with Paul and Joe. I figured he went to hit the head. I knock on the men’s room door using my foot .
“Aye Mikey, you in there?” I ask through the door.
“I’ll be out in a sec!” he answers.
I wait for him. Not too long after he steps out and I hand him both beers.
“I got to splash water on my face.”
“Alright baby; I’ll meet you at the pool table.”
I go to the ladies’ room; my head hurts. I piss first then wash my hands, rinsing them for a while.
{Water=Emotions... Suit of Cups/Hearts}.
{Don’t stay back there.} {I tell my reflection this.}
I turn off the hot water and turn on the cold. I *cup...
{Ace of Cups/Hearts... Resonating to the number 1, it is the beginning of the opening of the heart/mind and a desire for happiness/looking on the bright side. The Ace of Cups can promise new spiritual insight, a new awareness towards love, or a breakthrough in spiritual understanding.
It stands for joy, happiness, and good health. However in the story it is reversed. Considering that it is, what would be the opposite representations?
When the Ace of Cups is reversed, all the water is spilling out, so think waterworks towards detachment. Soon the cup will be empty, which can represent a heart that is not open to love as it should be or an insecurity and fear of starting over in a relationship or an insecurity with the arrival of someone new/different in our lives.
Sometimes out of low self-esteem, it suggests we act selfishly and are preoccupied with "ME!ME!ME!ME!" rather than others, and this card can point that out.
Reversed it can also indicate that one is bored or tired of the same old conditions. There is a desire for change. One might have the desire for something or someone new, but a new relationship won't take shape at this time. In addition, delays might stall attaining contact with someone or frustration occurs with a new start.}
...my hands and bend over closer to the sink to splash my face, I think about how even after all these years, I couldn’t forget like I said I… never mind. I take a deep breath, dry my face and hands then leave.
Mikey is playing pool with Joe and Paul. I’m not done yet with the pinball machine. “Hey.” I say as I walk up to stand next to Mikey. He puts his arm around me, then moves his hand down to my waist and he holds his Rolling Rock with his other.
“You’re shooting next.” Paul tells me.
“Not feeling it but thank you. Mikey I’m gonna keep playing with the Ramones.” {It's a long list why the Ramones are connected to the story but the one referred to is a novelty Ramones pinball machine.}
“Okay baby, I’ll be right here.” I walk away.
“Is she feeling alright?” Joe asks.
“I don’t know she’s been like this since we got here; I’m starting to worry.” The three look over at me walking back to the pinball machine.
“How many beers she drink?” Mikey tells Paul I’m on my *fourth one.
{“Praise The Fallen” VNV Nation Album about War in Heaven/ War period.… 4th Horseman from The Apocalypse prophecy that rides on a Pale Horse and represents Death/Death in Tarot symbolizes endings as in letting go and moving on….}
“Maybe she should switch to those Shirley *Temples { 1st mention of temples/game clue} she likes.”
“I’ll give her a bit, then check on her.”
The three return to their game but Mikey keeps looking over at me. I kept the pinball going a minute again before I loose. It’s whatever, it gave me a chance to chug my beer.
My head now has a light throb at the *temples {2nd mention of temples/game clue}, but* I’m not done playing.
{My persistence to make things “right”/Not giving up/Insisting/Being stubborn/Not letting go.}
I put in another two quarters, follow the routine and there goes the shiny, silver, metal pinball again. I’ve gotten better at this game but still… The ball is smacked around, bouncing against, going different directions; getting beaten up…. it’s under a relentless attack!
This brings back more memories of him. I push the buttons and the levers hit the poor, little, shiny, silver, metal pinball and they won’t stop. It has to keep moving {Why?}
{Question I didn’t simply ask my friend before I imploded.}
It’s going up, it’s going down. It slows down and rolls, and then the goddamned lever knocks it back up again! The pinball rams in to the bells and lights are flashing. I only notice the *red ones {Warning Lights much like those of an ambulance.}
The pinball machine is loud and *I fail to keep it going strong. I play my second turn.
{Trying to keep someone alive like it is his job with the wounded.}
The pinball rolls away. I chug more of my Rolling Rock. I get lost for a few, staring at the *horse head on it {Thinking of the Knight in Chess.}. I pull out another two quarters from my coin purse. I insert in the slot, pull back the knob pin and yet again, that poor, little, shiny, silver, metal pinball shoots *up...
{Many war veterans sadly have turned to heroin to "cope" with the shit they seen and had to do, or couldn't prevent. Other drugs are also used for self medicating, but heroin tends to be the strongest for the mental distraction.
I seen this drug is more popular with Vietnam veterans. Now it tends to be mixing heavy amounts of alcohol with prescribed medication. Sometimes it results in accidental over doses and sometimes there was no accident.}
...and I’m rough with the side buttons. *{The pinball looks to be trapped in the middle of chaos….}
{Shit hitting the fan/Clusterfuck = Overwhelming Stress}
I don’t hit it in time with the levers; it rolls down from the miss. I open my coin purse again; I take out *my last two quarters that are stuck together.
{All I had left to work with… 50 cents/Half of a $1/50% of 100... Meeting in the middle.}
"Cause I just cant look, It's killing me and taking control. Jealousy turning Saints in to the Sea.... It's just the price I pay, Destiny is Calling me. Open up my eager eyes, because I'm Mr. _________."
I stick my thumb nail between them and then pull them apart. My heart sinks even further. I see the *Flying Swallow...
{Symbolizes returning home and for Sailors that are 'Homeward Bound' , it was common to get a pair tattooed on. Now it is a cliche in the Rockabilly dress up scene, but still beautiful symbolism.}
...from Oklahoma and one not so worn down surprisingly, from 1974, the tavern’s year. What were the fucking chances? *{Two coins for two eyes to pay the toll fare to cross a river.}
{Dating back to the Greeks, it was tradition to place coins on the eyes of the dead to pay the boatman Charon fare so the soul of the dead can have safe passage over the river Styx and would not be left behind on the way to Hades, which is the underworld that leads to Elysian/Elisyum Fields, where the heroic and virtuous go to rest, aka Heaven...
Facing the reality that as a Soldier, he was in danger, more so in a dustoff medevac with giant red cross targets on the sides. My fear was valid but others around me weren't understanding that; but the hope was that his soul if the worst would happen, reaches Heaven and would find peace there and not get stuck in limbo. Too many ghost stories out there of Soldiers not knowing they are dead and can leave their posts, or are aware they died, but are stuck.}
I stick both quarters in to the slot; I pull back the knob pin and again the pinball rockets out. I was never going for points; I just wanted to see what a pinball looks like under the glass of a pinball machine. I hit it. I hit it some more. I feel like I’m abusing him too. My heart pounds hard in my chest {Don’t go away please? I’m sorry.}
{What I tried to say but it was too late. I Napalmed the fuck out of the bridge that once connected us, and he was deploying back to Stan. That just added to the weight on my chest knowing what he was returning to, so soon after he had gotten back stateside and making sense again of his life.}
I hit the pinball again. I hear the ringing and the other fucking noises telling me I’m scoring points, I’m sobbing quietly. Once more! Hit it once more! Hit him again! Keep it going; make it beat this! {It has a fucking glass ceiling; you can break it and escape!}
I miss and the pinball rolls away. I don’t want to drink anymore beer. I put the Rolling Rock bottle on the floor away from my hands. Why? Because I want to use it to break the glass ceiling of that pinball machine *and take its pinball far away to anywhere but where it was, where ever he wants to go.
{What I wanted to do though it couldn’t happen, to help that friend be taken away from the battle field and violence, the anger and hatred, to somewhere safer and where there was no one getting hurt and also from all his stress from his problems back home. I sensed how much he needed a break. For all the time that passed, I sensed with dread. Finding closure I've prayed for, now in a different way. Even though the intention was kind, it was his life to figure out how to balance. I was just a spectator.}
*I remember my back-up stash of quarters I save for emergency bus fare or for a payphone {Personal Reserved Resources to give a little extra before giving up at my expense for sure now.}
I go to the zippered pocket in my *messenger bag...
{In Greek mythology Hermes was the messenger and conductor of souls to the Underworld. He is the only God authorized to visit freely Heaven, Earth and the Underworld. He carried a winged staff with two coiled snakes called a "Caduceus", or "Caduce" in "Doc" slang for it is their symbol and medicine in general.
Although the "Rod of Asclepius" also known as an "Asklepian" that is a single snake coiled around a staff, is used in the "Star of Life" for EMS (Emergency Medical Services-Ambulances/Paramedics/EMT/Emergency Medical Technician).
This closer represents medicine and healthcare for Asclepius is the deity in charge of this. Hermes is also the God of Cheaters and Thieves. Docs are known as "Death Cheaters"."
The other reason not having to do with medicine for why he would be the God of Cheaters. Ah... He would cover for Zeus when he was stepping out on his wife that is also his sister, Hera. Yeah, I'm staying out of that one, but Hermes is the Dude with The Caduce and a messenger with the ultimate hall pass.
Angels that is derived from the Greek word, "angelos" meaning "messenger" and are included in many religions and "mythologies." Angels act as intermediaries between Heaven and Earth, or as guardian spirits, or as guiding influences.
Imagine Angels guiding a medic's hands. And there is a peculiar phenomenon that in certain life and death situations such as with severe car accidents; beings attributed as being Angels in humanoid form, have been reported wearing purple medical scrubs; help the wounded, but vanish before others coming to aid can see them. The use of purple says a lot right there, it being caught on camera as supernatural phenomenon?
How strong is your faith in the after life and the grander scheme of things?
I also thought of the Pony Express that wore what were known as "messenger bags" and carried letters, small packages, newspapers and messages prior to the invention of the telegraph was established. It was the most direct means of East to West communication that tied in the new state of California where I am from and live in, and "Pauley's Tavern and Pool Hall" also "stands."
Me being known as "Ponygirl" tied in to the whole having something to say and saying it as my message because I feel as a girl version of Ponyboy Curtis, and yes I'm staying "Gold" for the perplexities I went "Chaps" for.}
...to see what I have. I have enough for a few more games. *I take out two quarters, stick them in the slot like the others before, pull back the knob pin, but I don’t press the side buttons. The pinball peacefully returns to where it always goes to rest. I didn't give a fuck about my second turn.
{Only giving what can be replaced and sparing no more… I was done fighting what didn’t change… Last 2 quarters for the 2 of Swords reversed meaning I had made a decision and no longer was ambivalent about the painful memory.}
I stare at the game board under the glass. Softly I tell it “Fuck you.” I don’t want to play this pinball machine ever again.
“Gina, it’s just a game."
Play Song As If You Were Him Listening And See Why I Came, And Would Have Stayed Up All Night If I Could Save A Life....
Paul’s voice brings me to. I don’t wipe my tears.
“I know."
“You want to go outside with me to get some *air?”
{Air in Tarot decks is represented by Spades/Swords. As such signifies freedom but also quick change. The Swords suit also traditionally represented the military, which implies strength, power and authority, but also responsibility, violence and suffering. Discipline can take it's toll.
The 2 of Swords represents “The Choice”. The Two of Swords indicates doubt over decisions. A sense of powerlessness and apathy giving way to fear.
If the other cards in the spread are favorable, then the Two of Swords can indicate lack of bias and even mindedness… I chose to give a fuck but also to stand back through my writing, to think things through/process and understand rather than reject, as well as well as a way to promote ideas, perhaps changes of heart. More importantly, prevent at least one, just one suicide to make it all feel like it was worth the heartache felt.}
“Yea, that’s fine.”
I walk off on auto pilot and *open the heavy wooden door...
{One door closes, another one opens... Taking matters in to your own hands... Walking through to the other side....}
...to the hallway leading out back to the smoking deck. I walk through.
Mikey sees Paul following me out. He puts down his cue stick to go outside as well, but Joe stops him.
“Maybe Paul should handle this.”
He’s really worried now.
“I think she had a mood swing Joe.”
“Has she been having a lot of those?”
“Not around me. I don’t know what triggered it. She was fine on the way over here.”
“You think the beer did it?”
“I seen her drink more and she was cool.”
“Take her home man.”
“I can’t take her home, *she was locked in there all day.”
{When I would get depressed, or haven’t thought my way through things, I become temporarily a shut in recluse. It at times lasts just a few days and at others, weeks or even months at my worst. I reach out to friends when I know I could use their wisdom and comfort. It's no joke experiencing depression; especially if it is chronic and affects your ability to function.}
“Wait a few minutes, then go see how she’s doing.” Mikey is reluctant but knows *Paul is a good listener.
{Saint Paul is the patron saint for authors (which I am aim to be); saddle makers which represents working with horses and horse whispering; and also rope makers. The symbolism is using rope to help pull someone out and up (from depression and to safety).
Also the rope refers to being ”Meat On A String” which is military slang I heard used about repelling down a rope or being hoisted up, and at times while being shot at which for a flight medic, it comes with job.
I also pictured St. Paul blessing ropes so they don't become nooses for the desperate, though often they become these anyway, and children are also known to use them. I read one haunting story in 2010 about an 8 yr old boy that was being abused at home, but Child Protective Services did not get him out in time due to red tape, and he hung himself with his jump rope.
Every time I see jump ropes, I think of him and think a happy thought for him, like he's in Heaven now and no longer being abused because mercy is shown towards suicides from desperation. However because he died by suicide, he was not included in the statistics of being murdered by his guardians.}
I don’t know what direction to go towards other than *the wall and sit on the ground with my back up against it.
{Rather than being trapped, I mean using the wall for back support when resting. Also the Roger Water's Pink Floyd album that was the first record I tripped out on that made me think and put in to words what I began to feel; when I found it in my garage back when I was 13 years old in East LA.}
{At least we have this area to ourselves.}
{Referring to a place where a particular conversation was held that changed the course of things to come.}
Paul watches carefully what I did and then *sits on the ground himself next to me.
{Joining to be at the same level, to be supportive.}
He asks “What made you cry?”
I say, I say nothing and look away.* I didn’t know how to put in to words what I hold in for convenience sake.
{Obviously this is irony for I can pretty much express myself when I try/correction in philosophy Yoda “Do or do not… there is no try." However there are times my words just keep coming out wrong. This is directed more towards others that give up figuring out how to communicate what they have been holding in. Perhaps this was the case with my former friend.}
“Gina, please don’t make me play *guessing games.”
{What I pretty much do sometimes when I’m not getting answers and this can be a bad habit though when I'm intuitive enough to know when something is the matter, I may figure out what to say to get others to open up. I sense they want to, but need a little help getting things out, so I narrow things down for them and they take it from there.}
I’m silent for what seems like an eternity, but it was less. I finally speak. “I remembered something I read once.”
“What did you read?”
“I feel like a pinball in a pinball machine.”
“Is that why you were playing?”
“Yea… It was time I faced It."
“Why?”
“Because his words I let haunt me ever since and what I should have said, but didn’t.”
“Those words were said to you?”
“Yes, in an email. It was from a friend that was…” I sigh.
“What did you want to say to them?”
“Ask a simple ‘why?’ or ask ‘how about now?’ rather than think the worst, assuming.”
Paul thinks of what to ask next.
“What did you say instead?”
“I don’t remember my exact words that were a lot, but I jumped the gun.... I wasn’t on the right med combo, bad shit was going down all around me *too, I was exhausted and under a lot of stress and pressure….
{What is the truth for Soldiers when it's less about looking good in a uniform, but more about doing their job and coming home, going through the process of re-adapting along with other difficulties. I was in a bad situation but I also thought maybe he thought he was imposing when he clicked send and couldn't take it back and hide it.
Perhaps he seen I had enough on my plate to deal with, and thought adding on his problems wouldn't be cool. I also thought that maybe he wasn't used to expressing when he's in trouble or someone like me being open to care. I also thought I was describing him say what was the foundation issue for himself.} ...I rambled again.”
“Did he tell you why he felt like that?”
“No. He avoided it and went about like it was never said."
{I imagine he didn't trust me enough to tell me why after the moment that had him make that comparison, passed. Or he thought it was pointless to bother explaining, as in he got in this self defeatist mode that many do. Males in particular because "Boys Don't Cry" and men are supposed to be the stronger ones that know what to do and take care and protect, beside provide.
BULLSHIT!!!
But I did notice that when in self defeatist mode, it's mostly a reluctance to risk feeling hope and getting disappointed again. Sometimes it takes practice to express ourselves and look on the bright side.}
1,000 miles away.... There is nothing new left to say. I know you're not the answer to the questions I don't have. "Play it anyway." That's what I will add, as it brings me under, it brings me under once again.
(Cont.) "I considered that perhaps he said it because I demanded so much attention from him and that I made him feel like that or maybe he summed up what I was basically going on about.… It’s been a mind fuck Paul.”
“Why a mind fuck?”
“Because if it wasn’t me that was the problem, then it was something else and he may have turned to me for help. I didn’t Paul, for all the fucking venting I did with him, he comes to me and I didn’t! But it wasn’t from not wanting to.”
I’m trying not to shut myself up but it feels like I should.
“He told me before about some drama going on with him but he didn’t elaborate. I was really worried about him, and it wasn’t over stupid shit!”
I break down again. I try to refocus, *looking down at my feet. This position I am so used to because when you’re on the ground, you at least can’t keep falling and well with me it’s a given.
{Yiddish Proverb "He that lies on the ground cannot fall"... I take pictures of my feet a lot and depending of how I’m feeling or what I want to say in the photographs, I’m standing firm or I need time before I get back up, like if I was defeated in a fight/struggle or I needed to rest and reflect.}
“What happened next?”
“I had to burn a bridge to protect him though I gave another reason. I tried to explain after, but it kept coming out wrong; and then he told me not to contact him.”
{I don't remember how much time passed, but words were exchanged again. Then it was pretense. I recall how it felt considering all the other factors involved. He changed, but so did I. There was no being cool with him again. It felt like it was for the best.}
“So you’re not friends anymore?”
“No. Actually Paul.... I wonder if we ever were."
*(I stared in to oblivion from a thousand miles away. I seen the face of a man and wondered if he suffered the same fate and sadly to that, I wondered if he would always relate. Who fixes us toys of intention, then sends us on our way?
The man from above that fell down below and rolled in to what was meant to be forgotten, and nothing more. Yet for me that also came from the desert, compassion I also knew how to show; but he thought it best I not know, though it meant I would not let go. That perhaps is my irony, for I have yet to learn how. —September 2012) ~ L.G. Flores
{I wrote the poem back in September 2012. The thousand miles refers back to the song 500 miles where “I walked it” but ended up at a different door--my own. The journey was for me to learn about myself and what my life has been so far which would include my feelings and reactions…
Seeing the face of a broken and exhausted man/soldier and wondering about others that relate with how he feels…
Fixing “toys” of intention represents soldiers that volunteer to join the service and when they become wounded...
Him rolling in to what was meant to be forgotten refers back to feeling like a pinball wanting to get away, perhaps from admitting he wasn't feeling as well as he lead on as long as he did.
The question’s answer is Corpsmen/Medics that administer first aid and get the wounded to the next stop to get treatment and hopefully in time for survival…
I lived in 29 Palms in the high desert where a Marine base is, during the time when my then friend was deployed to Afghanistan…
The compassion I felt towards this friend was because he was a comfort to me by comparison of how my child and I were being treated at "home", and for friends I do what I can to give more, even if I'm having a hard time myself.
It was part distraction, part appreciation and gratitude, part hope in helping. I have wondered though why he was cool with me turning to him if he had so much himself to deal with if we weren't friends. A mystery not meant to be solved.
But I was entertained at least and will remember the pleasant moments getting to know an enigma. The not so pleasant moments pertaining to the enigma, I had my moments to feel sad. It didn't get worse as habit often over thinks it the case.
I don't feel numb, or detached. He read the original edit meant for him, and I wonder if he thought back to it at any one point since I wrote him my only handwritten letter. I included a prayer card of La Virgen de Guadalupe as a token of remembering we once were kind to each other, and I turned to her to protect him, regardless of him not being Mexican.
Well y'all know what is said about messing with one, gets you messing with the whole burrito of food for thought.... Try the green chile sauce made with tomatillos; habanero is pretty much pointless now. Ay Maria, Madre Dios!
Buen Provecho My Fellow Groove Monkehs!
Play Video Through For Clues! If You Do Long Enough And Listen, Besides Watch, One Clue Is Staring Right At You For The Synchronicity Attached To All Things Of Modern Current Events.
It's A Classic Scene Of Early Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis, And Prolific For The Generational Gap Of It Was Set In Motion Years Ago. Like I Heard It Once Said By Someone Special To Me:
"Focus on turning something good out of something bad and hope for the best anyway." ~Doc "Spooner"
Pauley's Tavern and Poll Hall
Happy Gleaning
*smiles*
And to end this music play list, there is one last entry below added August 6, 2015, to talk about the 86 this year brought with it.
Orale vatos, it ain't anything but crazy musings from a loca with a lot of time on her hands, and pen and paper to pass it with. It's extra nifty when I collage it on to the internet.
Qvo?
Si te digo.
And Montezuma kinda comes to mind. I'll be neutral to be nice about it.
Closing Song:
VNV Nation "Illusion"
Please play and read lyrics if you were looking for a message for holding on and hanging in there. Be it for yourself or someone you care about. It could even be to pass on to someone you know dealing with a friend dealing with severe depression, that it's affecting them too.
It's helped me when I needed comfort, so I recommend it. If you are up for reading a bit more with this song as a soundtrack, it's a truth about what lies beneath.
The day I opened your email saying what it did about how you felt, you scared me for the delay. I couldn't call you to ask direct, rather than wait by my computer for word back you are okay and didn't hurt yourself.
Doc I considered you a friend, even if long distance, to care about. You being hurt from life not panning out, it mattered. I know we didn't know each other well, but for Heaven's sake, you were a fellow human being, a single parent, a Doc, punk and rockabilly paisano. That made you stand out and the look in your eyes, I've had the same look and it was like knowing shit was gonna go down and there was no way I could prevent it.
What was said was said, but you left behind an imprint I'm glad is explored and made peace with away from you. There is no point in you knowing what it took to lay to rest the guilt I felt and resulting sadness.
But if you do have some idea, it doesn't matter. We're not friends and I got tired being on the outside looking in, regardless of the impression I made more time for you than your own friends shown with your big “reveal.”
Your happiness is none of my business, but I do hope you take care of Kiddo and yourself. Not get in to too much trouble; and remember getting love for your child right, is what matters the most. Romance is fickle, as the need for the pinball to keep rolling.
Thanks Fore Reading
~L.G. Flores
Back To The Top Where It Starts
DIRECTIONS:
Check Out "The Saga" Book #1 "Prelude To Letting Go: I feel like a pinball...." to read without the interuption of annotation. First though, watch the provided video showing what a pinball looks like inside a pinball machine.