Confessions To A Medic

************************

"At will baby. At will."

8:06pm June 19, 2014 carry over to June 20, 2014

#19 & #20/20 Hindsight is what will sing tonight as I sum up to tramp on like a Chaplain for

"Movement III"

The Sunshine Before Judgement brings on The Cutter.

It will make sense if it has to.

************************

Play Videos For Soundtrack And Listen For Clues To Glean To Know What I Mean

8:06pm 6/19-20 The Gibberish Update, long on purpose. x2 in to At this East coast steak house, item #86 on the menu, would sell out fast to the point it became slang to say when something is done, no more, no mas, no mames just get to where it means No-STOP//Shit ran out. I think it was a certain cut of beef, but it 86th itself in to history.

May 19 Premire-1 Month Post. !9 in the Major Arcana, is represented as The Sun. Then thinking how one of my blessed guidebooks, just so happened to be open on pages 64-65 65 on Card #20./20 Judgement, I have been looking back and saying goodbye before I say hello elsewhere. This time, somewhere over an arch of light, broken down by a spectrum of what was looking up at the rain clouds and knowing The Ghost Riders were on their way. 86. Grimm Glean, Scythe, Bring things in to sight/site.

Clean slate it dues and does one thing only if we let it. A clean slate for some is having a say in what get's carved in to their headstone. It's not morbid, just reminds us we only have the rest of our lives to leave behind good impressions. Good enough your headstone plaque stands out to the other visitors of the alabaster gardens. Sometimes the clean slate is a dinner tray or cookie sheet. It's a way to transfer things easier. What do we carry?

8:32pm

The advice as told in allegory, if I make my words last past today; I was preparing for one grand display of passive aggression, Freudian slips, round about deflect, set up from reflect. It makes sense if it has to.

I'm practicing dramatics and as tempting as it was to cover my trail.... truth I rather lean on. The controlled "outbursts", Winding down the gears, it's funny even when it's not. What were my thoughts?

I make it to 20, I decide what goes goodbye. There's more to the story. Some details are complete fiction, but some points explained why to someone else reading. There is a set up of making up my mind. I'm having too much fun with it, not really. The Sun means I crossed a finish line somehow, and it's been showing up funny. It makes sense if it has to.

8:43pm

I make it to 9pm I get a wish for it's been about things running their course. If I fall asleep before then, tell me how it went.

8:45pm

Back in late 2011, Ziggy 1 got downed instructions on delay. I seen again, before the calling bell rung for song of what to pack along. The screen when locked placed it perfectly to read as the focus above time. The statement worded the goal.....

"And you came to the point in life, at which you began telling yourself "I need to move the fuck on".

It took a combo of cocktails, concoctions of coffee house delirium, where I plugged in and opened up a landing page. I graduated to a laptop, internet though was still on what I could afford, borrow or just think really hard. Looking back, it was quite a ride. The Urban Fairytale mixed in with reality acting strange, then the strange will get questioned to normal. That's just a cycle setting on a washer machine.

What has history taught me as it applies to herstory?

Then Ourstory. Theirstory. Mystory. A story.

Be brave anyways, even with the errors and mistakes, that aren't as bad as we make them seem. I did a purging of word vomit because I meant to include I also was in to The Subhumans. Theirs was one of the few band shirts I wore. It was a hand me down. I didn't want bands to identify me, and yet it was something to relate on, so they did. It makes sense bellow.

9:11pm http://youtu.be/-a-M1HdeUEc

I'm thinking of having a heart tattooed on my arm for the saying, but like this old rucca veterana that complemented on my short sleeve I exposed, when she seen me sit on the sidewalk under the shade of a tree, first asking me if I was alright; I told her I was smoking a cig and was waiting for the time to jet for my Dr. appointment. This was on a quiet side street of the side of the hospital. She showed me the two hearts she had tattooed on her chest when she was pregnant 3 generations ago. She said for Just in case one ever breaks, she has a spare. Really cool viejita.

What do I have to spare?

9:21pm

The Quakes--"I don't come from no where"

I Come From East L.A. Play Song Anyway

9:25pm

I got a wish.

Days don't have to be symbolic, though 19 showed up a lot this year so far, as it applied to the website.

9:29pm

The wish was interesting. It makes sense if it has to.

#4 The Emperor--Learn from him, #4 Also showed what I've thought before. Never piss off or annoy the Ramones or a bad song will get dedicated to you.

Tough and Puffed up, but still a buttercup. Today I was meant to read what was all the message I needed to end the transmission. I rode the roller coaster on this blag section for a reason. The trivial has its tales too, piecing them together from a bunch of patches of life moments. Memories. A point made. A point ignored. The conundrum to entertain me when I need a distraction from my distractions. All rounded up, sorted and put away. This is one way I play.

I wanted to be open, like right smack in the middle of nowhere to hide for there is no reason to. I wanted to be open and ask a different 'What if?'

Personify this!

Acceptance. It makes sense if it has to, not number 4 of none of the above for there is more below, glean in clues elsewhere. 

Acceptance. I don't fight it. I don't argue with it. I know I was due to break through as I was headed elsewhere. I read earlier me dealing with my stress will help others with theirs. I'm thinking Christian Slater had more to say that "Greetings and Salutations". He brought up we have an option of eating our cereal with a fork, and doing our homework in the dark. I recall I wrote a red letter based on his counterpart's.

9:50pm

When I was transferred to the operation table, I did think back on something you said. I pulled it together, then was put under and I woke up not remembering my exact last thought. I know it wasn't of you.

9:54pm

9:55pm

9:56pm

10:02pm

"Freedom is having nothing left to lose" so the question of what I  could lose is skipped. No. Freeing yourself from old ways, fear based thinking, overwhelmed and then exploring why I would be a Jonah if that could apply to me. How about Moby Dick instead and Pinocchio as my Little Buddy?

10:09pm

I have 1 hour and 51 minutes to be live with this if my meds don't kick in first.

111 minutes

What do I want to happen with Cinderfella?

I want the last bandage to come off.

10:13pm

#10 Wheel of Fortune

#13 Death

10:14pm

Lady Temperance

I'll stop here though #15 in this time play applies as a good thing. I means over coming obstacles, breaking cycles, conquering addictions. 

10:16pm

The Tower as London Bridges Came Falling Down or Babel. Something had to give. It gave and as it did, it became a process of psych-outs from pressure. Where that pressure stems from, for me it was partly excuses. I want to own up to my lack of better judgements.

"Jesus died for his own sins, not mine: because he knew I rather serve my time."

This goes back to a reckoning where I feel so un-humble saying this now about an over ten years back then, I forgave God and It was accepted I had reason to be upset. But before I understood, I refused to become an atheist, because if I did, who could I blame for everything that fucked me up?

I had to get creative to work with the pieces that survived.

"I'm sorry God I was angry with you that long. I understand that itself was a lesson to be straight up, by going straight up to a real open door policy. Chuy wanted us to kiss and make-up. You are El Gran Abuelo of us all after all."

The stories I have to tell about that one!

Chuy is cool, has been an old friend that has a story that goes further back than his conception within Holy Mother Mary. That tale has been brewing 20 years come next one for 2015 from 19 and 16 turning in to 2 back in Winter, then in to 1 and a broken half of what used to be another complete one. I'm turned around like Oz for it fosters what doesn't get drank by the locals that mine for opals.

10:23pm

I wanted to leave an open journal of a journey, dumb luck of his would influence it being named. I knew that regardless of whatever I thought would be nice as for me, It looked like a cynical man was an idealist for a moment, perhaps a season. That stir of emotion represented by a song, I wondered if he changed his mind on ever being willing to walk 500 miles again. Perhaps because there was no one to walk towards that was worth it; but I held on to that seed of information that became inspiration; that got planted about me walking instead.

It wasn't towards a person. People will walk with me a while, as I walked with them, but I didn't need to fall down at the door I came to meet. I took the train and bus, plus got a ride, so I wasn't as tired. I pulled out the new key from my pocket, and unlocked the front door to "My Little House". I'm home now. This roof over my head became more.

10:35pm

105 Zimbabwe

10:36

... .is me in about 3 months. One more season to go before 4 is left for 40. I showed Mac my picture last B-Day and he looks at me, he says I look different big time. Well 20 Years Later, I'd like my 36th B-Day Partying to be my Sweet Sixteen with my girl friends. I actually have a pink satin cocktail dress I liked how I looked in, wearing my 14 eyes Docs and black sheer stockings. So Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael.  I want to be a woman hanging out with other women, and it not be about looking alluring or whatever because they are taking me somewhere I could be single and mingle. I just want to be a chick in a pink party dress, making up for a shitty Sweet 16.

I'd like to spend the day taking comfort that I know some pretty awesome chicks, forget getting to know anymore new guys while I have important stuff to do, and that is hanging out with my sisters. I forfeit my annual B-Day knookie  flukes, that have always been flash in the pan. Not feeling it. I rather work on "Gina" in the book and Gina me in real life, both agreeing in a figure of speech I am not hearing voices!

But I agreed for us both, I am worth waiting for and I'm not looking for the lays. If someone loses patience, that's their choice. I want to be a grown up again and really put thought in to my actions. Someone has to be very special to know me in such an intimate way. My girl friend was right; chicks are too easy and then complain when they get played. I'm modern, but I want to carry on some old school values. Set an a quirky example to my kids. I'm not going to know someone well enough by my birthday. I'm sticking to my guns. Born Again Virgin I will remain!

Sixteen + Twenty + Wiser = 36 + 4 More To Go = 40 yrs Young Over The Hill B-Day Bash Baby!!! I Want A Keg Of The Good Stuff & A Bouncy Castle! This Year Though It's Me Wearing Pink Satin & A Tiara

*SMILES*

Play My Belated B-Day Song Por Favor

My greatest act of love that I will not deny and keep secret:

No.

Not just saying it, but standing by it.

11:07pm

11:08pm

I'm debating hiding this page against continuing to break cycles by admitting they exist, and some no longer.

11:10pm

I have less that 50 minutes to type out what I will. This is me figuring what to say to add I got the message I was looking for. Be  it for me or not, likely hood or long shot; I want to see how long I could go staying away from here, as I gave myself a month to go for whatever seemed fine at the time. Saying it, digesting it, re-navigating the flow. The jokes are there to glean based on how good is your short term memory.

11:16pm

I tried uploading videos, having issues with that. I would dedicate to me The Damned "Alone Again Or" because I need to listen to what I would try to say if a song spoke for me. To whom does it speak to?

No whom. No one. Not just one. Not everyone....

11:21pm

Less than 40 minutes to keep it contained to the 19th. What do I have left to say to you if I thought it would make a difference? No bullshit. No... The song finished playing on YouTube.

11:24pm

Time is ticking away. I told stories inside stories, a read that does take an hour to read, actually more.

11:25pm

35 minutes.

11:26pm

The bandage shows it's done it's job. I came full circle again. However long it takes to heal.

11:28pm

It's an urn that holds the ashes of the bridge I burned. That urn gets a window seat so it can still get sunlight on it. One day I'll release it over to the wind, and thank the life lessons it held, that I want to turn in to Tall Tales of a Grasshopper that rode with a Dragonfly. Anansi helps me weave the water tight basket, that this case is.

11:34pm

I was getting it out of my system.

11:35pm

11:40pm

You reminded me of myself on certain things, then with others I think about blanks I filled in.

11:43pm

It wasn't a good time for me then. Even after and I thought myself through to here. To now. To where I know it's me evolved.

11:45pm

I'm thinking back on my girl friend that became a medic also, she made it through to her present, and she is a force to be reckoned with, unless there is a spider around. That's four Docs with arachnophobia I have killed spiders for.

11:48pm

Less than 12 minutes left.

11:49pm

Spooner....

11:50pm

The Lotto odds with a '74 penny. I think I'll do a craft project with it.

11:51pm

I didn't want you to go away. I was scared.

11:52pm

That wasn't cool what you did that felt like a "fuck you back then.", like I pissed you off, because of what my neighbor Marine friends read between the lines. I showed the guys the convo where you tell me your kiddo's name. They translated what it was to them, in to what a gal can understand. That was then.

11:55pm

11:57pm

Those were just in case goodbye email letters, superstition. It was cool after I seen your shadow was still connected, and others played anchor. What would you have done if I sent you paper letters during your deployment, if I didn't click "send"?

11:58pm

I don't have much time left.

11:59pm

Take care of yourself Doc.

12:00am

Friday June 20, 2014 Judgement for #20

12:01am

First minute of the day.

Go back to one ending that became a beginning that had an ending, but then again not. This is a reminder of what "Heritage" forgot.

A Tale of Two Men

both named

"Doc"

Watch Video Later, Play The Song First. Read The Set-Up Of  Words Of Being Alone Again Or....

Horoscope.com Horoscopes written by Rick Levine

Tarot.com, Keen.com, Astrology.com/Yahoo Shine

Authors of other horoscopes unknown.

Friday June 20, 2014

DTP/MLH--ELA, CA 6:10 pm

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Thursday, Jun 19th, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

You are capable of secretly holding onto an old wound for too long, even after you've forgiven everyone involved and allegedly moved on. But even if you can detach from your personal pain, it's not necessarily the smartest strategy for happy living. You have an opportunity to create change now; yet it might require that you look back one more time. Once you have relearned your lesson and passed the test, you will finally get to take things to the next level. You can't embrace your future until you have fully dealt with your past.

Friday, Jun 20th, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

Your hectic schedule is just one indicator of your vibrant mental state these days, yet the lively pace might not settle down as soon as you wish. You might secretly worry that your life is spinning out of control -- and your best strategy is to let the chips fall as they may. Attempts to regain control can just lead to more frustration now. Seek creative ways to express your unique individuality instead of trying to conform to the norm. Be true to yourself and the reach for the stars.

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

When the emotional waters get too deep, you Virgos like to fall back onto your strong analytical prowess to find your way back to solid ground. However, you may have to trust the feelings in the pit of your stomach because you don't have time to run everything through your logic tubes today. You really don't need words now; you only need your intuition and a bit of common sense.

Lovescope 19-21

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Thursday, Jun 19th, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

You may need to revisit a source of pain stemming from your romantic past today. Looking back with clarity can do more for your future than detaching from your memories. Acceptance is liberating.

Friday, Jun 20th, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

If you're worried that things are getting out of control in your love life, you may be right. Be good to yourself by finding ways to creatively express your feelings today.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

Wearing your heart on your sleeve only takes you so far today; you must also be ready for an unexpected conflict to arise. Although you are often the Champion of Nice, there's no reason to waste your energy trying to be diplomatic now. Even if you thrive on making others feel at ease, it's not currently about being gracious. Push past the infatuation stage where you give your power away to others, and then push even further beyond your dreams. It's time to get real and make your move.

Lovescope 20-21

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Friday, Jun 20th, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

The drama with someone in your love life is only likely to increase today. The moment you think it's over, something else may intensify it again. Hang in there: Tomorrow you'll see a real improvement.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

Trying to manage a challenging issue in your love relationship through diplomacy may not be the right approach today. You may need to be more direct now: Stick to your guns and be true to your heart.

Their Scopes 19-21

Thursday, Jun 19th, 2014

Your day has a split personality -- coming in like a lamb and going out like a lion. A roar of energy occurs midday when the Moon marches into feisty Aries, reminding you of your warrior nature. You may decide early on to adopt a spiritual approach and not force your ideas onto others. However your laid-back demeanor only lasts so long; when you decide it's time to make your move, at least do so with kindness and awareness. An act of courage doesn't have to be delivered at the tip of a sword.

Friday, Jun 20th, 2014

As the day unfolds, you might become less and less comfortable about something that you realize cannot be easily changed. You may feel strongly about what you see as a potential conflict between your values and what you now want to do. Go ahead and explore new avenues of self-expression today, even if they don't fit into your pre-established notions of who you are. Healthy experimentation leads to personal growth.

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

Normally, you have enough emotional detachment to focus on the present moment and visualize future opportunities. However, now you're required to reassess your relationship with the past, especially if it uncharacteristically holds on to you with a grip of steel. Don't be afraid to look back into your history in order to process these memories one last time. Even if this sentimental journey takes a few days or longer, it is worth it in the end. Clear the air so you can once again be swept up into the exciting whirlwind of what's to come.

Lovescope For Them

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

A walk down Memory Lane can help you come to grips with your romantic past today. Examine your emotional attachments and see if there's anything you need to let go of right now.

General for Everyone

Thursday, Jun 19th, 2014

The Sun's creative quintile to Uranus may help us find an inspired solution to a vexing love life dilemma today. The momentum of the situation may increase when the Moon enters Aries this afternoon.

Friday, Jun 20th, 2014

Embracing spontaneity is one way to ramp up our love lives today. But once the Aries Moon opposes Mars this evening, our romantically-stimulated emotions may become extra intense.

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

In matters of the heart, this may be a complicated day: Today's Aries Moon tempts us to explore new experiences in our love lives, even as a part of us wants to play it safe right now.

General

Saturday, Jun 21st, 2014

It's a complicated day with one part of us eager to push ahead to the next experience while another part wants to retreat into a place of emotional safety. Although the pioneering Aries Moon prompts us to explore new territory, the Summer Solstice occurs today at 6:51 am EDT, celebrating the shift of the Sun into timid Cancer. Meanwhile, the Moon enters sensual Taurus at 11:03 pm, soothing our warrior natures and allowing our softness to emerge.

What page number was Judgement on?

Card #21 The World

It will make sense if it has to.

************************

Monday June 30, 2014

Down The Pathway/My Little House

East Los, Califas U.S.A.

8:45pm Completed

This Is The Clean Version Of Bell Bottom Trousers.... Read Below Some Words Set To This Tune. I'm Feeling A Whole Lot Better Rhyming This Ditty About Something Shitty

 Bell Bottom Trousers & Coats Of Navy Blue.... 8404 They Were & Also Had To Shoot.... One Jumped Ship & Joined The Army & A Coptor Doctor He Became.... The Other One Just Wanted To Kill & To His Caduce Did He Bring Shame.... The First Wanted To Save Lives Didn't Matter To Him What Side.... The Second Just Wanted Revenge & You Could See In His Eyes.... Though I wasn't There I still Wanted To Help & Bring Peace To My Husband's Mind That Took Him Back To Hell.... I Asked The Army Medic For Advice On What I Should Do, I Figured He Would Know Because He Spent There Time Too.... Things Were Bad All Around & Feelings All On Edge.... Then Another Corpsman Died Killing Himself Instead.... I Was Losing It Myself But I Had To Remain Strong.... That Army Medic Didn't Have Much Time, But He Did Tell Me To Hold On.... He Was Kinder To Me Than The Man I Had Wed.... The Bastard Was Shopping Around, Calling Up His Ex-Girlfriends.... I Was More His Servant And No Longer His Trophy.... Because I Got Fat & He Wouldn't Make Love To Me.... I Had Enough & Told Him I Want A Divorce.... That's Exactly What He Wanted But I Had To Hurt Some More.... He Knew I had Male Friends In The Military.... He Knew One Was My Confidant That Was Active Duty.... It Didn't Matter That  He Took Off His Ring & Had Girls On Standby All Waiting.... I Had To Suffer Before He Let Me Go.... Which Hasn't Stopped All These Years Later.... He Wanted To Find Out Who Was Nice To Me.... So To Quote The UCMJ & Charge Him With Adultery.... Though The Claim Was Weak, When My Ring Came Off I did Flirt.... I Just Wanted To Feel Hope Again & Without Him Start Over.... I Did Ask My Confidant Out On A Date.... I Wanted It To Be With A Friend That Made Me Feel Safe.... He Said Yes But First I Had Some Terms.... If He Was Still Single After I Was Divorced.... Though We Were Separated, We Weren't Officially On Paper.... He Had Been Following Me Online & Next Could Have Been My Passwords.... I Didn't Want That Army Medic To Get In Trouble.... So I had To Implode & Say Things I Didn't Want To.... It Was Too Late To Change My Mind After I Hit Send.... Because I Wanted To Keep Him Safe I Told Off My Favorite Friend.... He Still Went After Guys That Didn't Hide Were Nice To Me.... Telling Them I'll Replace Them Too Because I'm A Liar & A Cheat.... What His Problem Is With Me, I Really Don't Know.... But Even The Judge Seen He Has To Have Control.... Now He Has My Son, And That Feels Like Torture.... But Even That Is Not Enough To Make Sure I'm Hurt.... I've Remained Single Ever Since.... I Didn't Find Someone Special To Give A Special Kiss.... Seems Ironic That He Gets To Be Happy..... And Quietly I Have Been Suffering.... He Took My Son, My Things And My Silly Crush.... But My Hope Isn't Lost And That's Something He Can't Touch.... That Army Medic Has Since Been Long Gone.... But His Words Did Remain To Hold On.... I Will Return For My Son & Battle It Out In Court....  I'm Not Intimidated By Him Any More.... Though It Took A Long Time To Reach This Point.... Writing Is More Than Therapeutic, It Brings Me Joy.... But It Doesn't End Here, There Is Still More To Be Said.... I'm Recording My Journey That Is Being Read.... I'm Not Vindictive, I'm Just Tired Of Taking Anyone's Shit.... I Have A Lot Of Free Time & I'm Making The Best Of It.

~L.G. Flores

************************

January 10, 2014

****Four Years Later -- Second Movement -- Learning How****

Yahoo Shine Horoscope For Someone Else

Daily Overview
Your past determines your future to a degree -- but you know you are capable of surprising leaps! Still, today brings you face-to-face with an issue from your past that demands attention.

Daily Love
Things aren't going to be black and white today, but then again, when are they ever? You're going to have to be on your toes to figure out what's really going on, but if anyone can do it, you can!

Daily Couples
You're always moving forward, but sometimes it's nice to pause and take a look back. Spend some time today thinking about how far you've come with your sweetie. Your past will be always be a part of you, so learn what you can from it.

Daily Singles
A strange reaction to something you say today could leave you feeling misunderstood. Keep in mind not everyone will understand your point or view or sense of humor. Sometimes it's best to keep them guessing. The last thing you want to be is predictable.

************************

"He looks like he's smiling as himself.... It's a shame he hides it, but if it's hidden, how can anyone take his smile away?" ~Cass

(About an old photo of him in coptor doctor mode with his helmet visor down giving a thumbs up.)

************************

"Words for me flow when I'm alone, but not when I would like them too. I want to tell you but I don't know how to say it and it sound right. We're too different besides far away... You want friendship, but haven't stopped thinking you want more than that. I think it's me that is leaving you alone."

"What's been said and what's been done, all point towards me not being 'The One'..." Reckless Ones "The One"

"I don't understand and I feel confused why me and after all this time. Why me?"

"Why not you? Why not just take it as I noticed you, and you grew on me? Why try to make sense of what even I question? Why you? A few reasons, but those reasons aren't as strong as before. You won't have to leave me alone for much longer. I got my bedtime story to tell to others that want to listen to it. Oh and time wise, the days just passed, one after the other and like smoking a cigarette, it was a habit to remember when you were kind and wonder what has become of you."

"You've thought of me every day since...?

"Yeah."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't worry about it, I say enough for everyone in the Coliseum to consider how crazy I actually am for volunteering to shake paws with lions."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. Hey, I'm growing up and away. That's what you'd prefer right? To go away and you continue to leave me alone or the other way around... Sometimes I wonder which. Then after I finish having make believe conversations with myself about what I wonder what you could say if you would say anything at all; I go back to whatever I was doing, like sleeping and not seeing you while I dream. Not since the last time when I finally dream of you telling me off and being okay with that, and the first time before, years ago.

The first time surprised me for the details there were. It felt like you landed on top of me, both of us fully dressed and my blanket between us. And the only thing shared was a smile. I do recall feeling this sense of relief. Life wasn't good at the time... It wasn't going to be good for a while.

 It's cool, things are good now elsewhere and somehow I don't mind the residual reminding me, I wanted to create gifts for you. Perhaps to be kind back. Distance I see is what it is when it's not between minds and words exchanged for communicating. You couldn't talk to me in any form, wouldn't as well. Being so different from the each other, I thought I could find what does make us the same. What I found was more questions to ask myself about why it matters to even find common ground. Don't worry, you can remain a stranger no one reading my bedtime story, would know how you looked like, or what was the sound of your voice; but more so and this is the biggie, what was your name. Anonymous in my opportunistic glory of an allegory...

Your nicknames will have a home to rest in between pages of books, but your real name; that's yours, not mine to repeat. You really do look like you were smiling with your face covered. I rather think this and smile myself, than look at another picture where I was concerned for you. Your eyes seen too much, and say what I've heard before..... I thought I could manage becoming your friend and hero, I found out I wouldn't have to..... I found out you've got that covered."

************************

The 9th passed and it was okay. I worked on this album your picture starts off. I opened up what lead up to the night I hit "send". I went back to read somethings I said elsewhere. I feel like I have made progress. I don't care as much, I was able to focus on Michael and I imagined how his friends over at Pauley's, began to notice he's smiling more. I pictured him feeling his heart skip a little beat, when he seen "I"texted him. He tunes out everybody, and takes off to somewhere not as loud, so he can call "me". It's been a while since I felt something similar when I'm out and about. I feel it's sad that I have to make believe this, but there are better things to be sad about, or think is sad like pathetic... I don't like that word, too judgmental.

************************

No se. I don't know. Lo pense. I thought about it. Porque? Why? Es lo que es. It is what it is. Es lo que fue. It is what it was. Porque? Why? No se. I don't know. Lo siento en mi alma que algo me dice que no me deje por vencida. I feel it in my soul that something tells me to not allow myself to give up.... What am I not giving up? Un cuento para pensar. A story to think. Alma mia, porque? Soul of mine, why? No se. I don't know. Pero... But... Mi sombra en la pader, me dice que tambien en gris, lo entendere. My shadow on the wall, it tells me that also in gray, I will understand. Por mi misma. For myself. Por el cuento. For the story. Si lo se. I do know. Tiene razon. It is right. Que nada mal te pase.... That nothing bad happen to you.

I was home, with just Monkee and me. Monkee was napping so I dressed up with make-up and took pictures to entertain myself. This is one of the few pictures in existence where I'm wearing my son's father's ring. All this before everything came undone for the best.... Perhaps what I was contemplating was freedom and the pursuit of happiness for my children and I..... — at Twentynine Palms, CA 2009.

************************

 "The Snow White in me showed through for being a bit in distress." ~Cass

************************

Little birds began to stand out. I was lucky that my self-check in to Las Encinas, still had access to the art room that has since been closed to patients. Some dipshits succeeded in killing themselves, hanging I think I heard; so it's not as "Club Psych Med" as it was the following time I checked in. That sucks because we used to be able to relax in the jacuzzi and there was a gym. I still came back with souvenirs of arts and crafts projects.
 

This little trinket "wish box", I was able to get out when I returned with a U-Haul to get as much as I could of my belongings. Getting home was an adventure. There is a section on the 10 fwy with high winds, and those winds slammed the side mirrors to the door windows. I had to hold out the mirror as it felt like I was being cut up by sharp knives, from the cold wind. All this so my friend driving wouldn't crash in to the wall next to us. The U-Haul truck had no rear view mirror so merging lanes was scary, as she held out the mirror with one hand, and the other steered. A trucker that was either drunk or falling asleep at the wheel, perhaps both, almost hit us. I owe Nickie a whole lot for helping me out by driving.

In this "wish box" I opened up my heart to feeling hope of the good kind. It's where I keep my fortune cookie fortunes, 3 quarters I got in change at the same time. One from 1970, one from 1980 and the last one from 1990. Weird, I know. Then there is a horoscope clipping for February 2, 2010 folded in to read what was the year prediction for those born on Ground Hog's Day because it was one of those odd holidays that is greatly underrated and I related with the shadow thing.

I also have a small plastic Harley Davidson motorcycle seat, from a scale toy set I bought to make a mobile for my son's room to hang above his crib. I somehow broke the blue with ivory heritage model, and the joke was that "I saved you a seat." I have other coins, like a penny from 1974 that it was a trip how I found it.

I had a handful of change I was taking out of my trouser pocket, and transferring to a bowl on my dresser. Bullshit you not! One single coin, this penny falls to the ground. The rest of the coins made it fine in to the bowl, but this single penny on the ground... I instinctively ask myself, "What are the odds it's from 1974?" I should have bought a Lotto scratcher...

Since this picture was taken, I glued a curl of my son's hair for the little blue bird's nest. It sits on my book shelf in a tiny little scene that is a sweet hope and tenderness shrine. It's where I place my prayer candles and meditate on the light and flickering flame. Also in this little box with a little blue bird on top, that will carry my wishes up to Heaven, there is the first page from a metal cover notepad. The cover says "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." it was very special because it felt like a sign when I found it, to move on and away from my painful marriage; and start over back in East LA.

The notepad page says "December 29, 2009 --Twentynine Palms, California 92277 So here it goes"

Oh and this little wish box is posed on top of my TIE Pilot Star Wars helmet. Just thought I should add that.

— at Twentynine Palms, CA October 2009.

************************

  It's not a secret anymore. I opened up and friends have seen the pictures. It hurt showing them, but it was time I did. It's getting handled, I've made progress. It's about damage control now. Monkee is still in the middle and getting older. He's asked what happen and why he can't see me by now, especially being Mother's Day just past. Four years without him in my arms, and bed time stories, bath time. Sorting the laundry, being Mommy's Little Helper... .. It's getting handled.

  I forget what day it was. I remember it was the first time his dad sat down to feed him solids. I ran out of clean bibs, I hand his dad a dish towel to place on him, not wrap up in what I call "Straightjacket Towel". I was tired, I had been so tired taking care of them both, our home and maybe me a little. I toughed it out and just seen it as a rough patch. I knew his dad could redeploy, he kept volunteering to. I wanted to document as much of their life together, but when I seen the scene that was taking place in my home...

This haunts me because my son, his dad was screaming at him for reaching for his own spoon. And then he would wrap the towel tighter. I don't know why I didn't put my camera down sooner, but because I didn't, I can show part of what was happening at "home".

  The eyes always give it away... I see my son confused and getting scared, asking "Mommy what's happening? Why did daddy do this to me? Why is he screaming at me? You don't when you feed me, so why did he?" After the doubt left of what I was seeing was not what I thought I was going to document, I put the camera down, and got between his dad and my Monkee. His father put my son's spoon down without arguing.  I unwrapped the towel and he could get as messy as he wanted was my decision. I mean he's just a baby learning how to feed himself. Like I said it before, it's the children of war veterans returning with PTSD that are disgruntled, that need to be guarded and prepared for what followed daddy or mommy "home".

  I'm willing and requesting the Universe to help me with this, perhaps set a positive example or at least show proof of my progress in healing with my recovery. I can forgive the jerk that returned, because he is the father of one of my children and he sacrificed more of his sanity for our country, so he can patch up the grunts he was Mother Hen to. I'll never want to be romantic with him ever again, that's for certain, but forgiveness needs it's advocates that speak from experience, that it can be done.

************************

  It was getting harder to hide my under eye circles, or how I felt morale wise. It was obvious on my face... I was having a hard time. This may show a little of how bad life got at home. I did contemplate my mortality because of that union I was in. Then add the stress of the war itself, with emotions on edge... This was my reality past the yellow ribbons, hand shakes and buying a drink. — at Twentynine Palms, CA 2009.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Face Down” http://youtu.be/0LNVOreafhk

  Damn, listening to the song and looking at my picture. I get glimpses, but "a new life she has found..." I felt it was time this picture was shared. Life reads different on my face now.

Play Video For Soundtrack While You Read

  But I was a trooper, had heavy duty concealer, and eyeglass frames to camouflage what really was going down. When my friend Jen, whose husband was another doc that served with mine, said she suspected spousal abuse, I felt like what I went through was being noticed and acknowledged. My friends and family weren't sure what was going on and I was exhausted, sleep deprived, manic, a train wreck; when I got back to Los Angeles. I was "debriefing" blogging by text for hours. I wasn't making sense, but she seen through it. I wasn't suffering in silence anymore. Someone else knew. Eventually my family and friends caught on and they've helped with recovering my sanity.

  I did my best to save my marriage, but it wasn't right that I was crying so much. So much affected my situation, but again, I was an example of what PTSD does to the spouses. I was ripe for a mindfuck anyways, but I tried to be understanding, but fucked up is fucked up. I can find it in my heart to forgive, it hurts though to know, my forgiveness isn't wanted.

— at Twentynine Palms, CA 2009.

************************

  I call this one "Joey Ramone's Little Sister" because of my bad self cut bangs and leather MC. I remember a friend over at Psychobilly Fever, asked "Why so sad kiddo?" he was a bit older and I did feel better just by him asking because he seen what I was trying to say but not effectively. Things were not right at home. Someone else left me a comment above his with this picture. Shallow hyper sexual chick that may relate with me, she said "That's a cool jacket". I was in slight shock that was what she noticed, but she was very much in to fashion, and a little girl even in her mid 20's.

  To this day I remember those two comments. When I didn't have to fake it, this is what I looked and felt like with the mask off.

— at Twentynine Palms, CA October 2009.

************************

"I smiled, but my eyes gave it away...."

  It was getting harder to wear the mask. My neighbors had to step in, that's how bad it got. They would hear the screaming, and then how much weight I lost fast. Looking like I really haven't slept for shit for a fucking long ass time. Listening to me and seeing me cry... I was holding on and hanging in there like the cool Doc said for me to. I'm stronger and wiser. I did move out, I found a new place to live, I got divorced. I've been soul searching. Epiphanies found me. I smile with enthusiasm again, but I am altered.

  It's cool, I'm a "Gina", so I can handle rolling with that punch. What do I mean? Ask Bon Jovi. — at Twentynine Palms, CA October 2009.

************************

"Hey you,

  Well I'll go straight to the point; I had an anxiety attack at the courthouse earlier where there is a Legal Aid Center. I was filling out forms I really couldn't focus on and then reading what was in the divorce petition; the ex really does not want me to get anything which includes being in our son's life. He's on his high horse... same shit, different day.

  Well at first it was the focus, then the trip out and then my breathing started in. I was edgy and the clerk there noticed I was in slight distress. He was helpful writing down for me since I couldn't even do that; the room number and floor I was at since I wouldn't remember and I would feel more lost than what I already was. I rush to get out and I didn't finish filling out the forms. Why does he still intimidate me? Fucked if I know but I do know he thinks I'm a "stupid fucking cunt"... yeah choice words from a guy that was so in love with me, man do I leave them bitter. My ex before that, Quinn's dad, he became a complete dick too... Maybe I should forget about romantic relationships all together... I don't know, this is just frustrating.

  So after I leave the courthouse and I'm feeling beyond lost, I feel hopeless and I don't recall all that went through my mind, but I remember saying this over and over "I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to..." It was sad but thinking of you Joes, my reality is a matter of practice. I couldn't finish today but I could another one though knowing how fragile I feel... nevermind.

  I walked around not being sure where the bus stop was to take me back to the "816 Prison" I began to call that place I live at since I don't want to call it home. It's not a home, just a roof over my head. I'm wandering around sobbing but what was interesting, no one asked me if I was okay. Not that I expected it, but it's a trip that no one asked. I think that answers why I over compensate with empathy, whatever, I'm fucking lost and I feel shitty.

  Somehow I am drawn towards City Hall. I've never been inside but looking at it from the outside, I felt so minute that I don't matter. Why would I say that? Stuff is happening that... nevermind.

  I sit at the steps on the side I guess because it was rather lonely there. I look up at all the American flags and again I thought of you Joe's. Maybe you get it, maybe you won't; but seeing our country's colors helped me calm down. I was already holding my own hand and my fingers caressed the other, I suppose for the saying about holding someone's hand applied. I had no one to hold my hand so... nevermind.

  I sat there for a while stoic, neither here nor there, and then this building I am too stupid to know what it's for and if it can perhaps help me; okay I'm already getting my ass kicked emotionally, why am I being a jerk towards myself too? I know... being told you're stupid among other stuff growing up, I suppose it's a habit to continue the crap that brings me down...No wonder I return to co-dependent situations. I should get over that, I need to get stuff done and that is getting in the way. Practice, a bit of it or a lot, it will help and right now that thought is a comfort besides thinking of... nevermind.

  I should close but looking at this picture, it does look like the sun is on top like a beacon as if it was a daytime light house... Maybe that's God showing me to open my eyes because the light was turned on. Whatever gets me through...

  I hope you're okay, stuff not being chaotic and shitty. I miss emailing for real but I... nevermind.

Take care man,
~Cass "

— at Downtown Los Angeles 2010.

************************

Wrench's friend "Wild Bill's" Dignified Transfer

I didn't know you Billy, but my buddy Wrench did, and he's missed you. From what I seen, you touched many hearts. It's late, but thank you. It wasn't for nothing.

Please Watch Video Before Continuing To Read.

This is the actual footage I watched before I began to type and self sooth.

  Don't say it! Don't admit it! It wasn't him. It wasn't him! But I sure did care about it not being him coming home under our American flag. I prayed. I remember I prayed a lot even as I was on the other side where I lit the fire to burn that bridge down good.

  Ever hear about this one?

  It's supposed to be easier to say goodbye to a soldier deploying to where it's dangerous, by being angry with them. Not because they are actually leaving, that is to be expected, they are active duty. It's just that it's intense and it hurts to know they are going away, and may not make it back. Those that weren't part of the home front effort, don't seem to understand that, and I was put down for feeling how I did. It didn't matter. Keep going.

  I didn't want him to go back, not so soon after returning and starting to get back his civilian life and he was opening up. Some days were harder than others, but that's not a surprise. We can all have our shitty days, but adding that I did have an idea of what was happening around him and maybe within him; I felt I was not doing wrong keeping this person in my prayers. I imagined a lot of things, I imagine a lot of things, and then I remember a lot too. Funny how I'm not smoking right now. I haven't bought a pack for a while. Yeah, maybe a smoke break with my beer would pacify somehow.

  Oh yeah, the fix of addiction and a mental need to keep hands busy. I'm hoping I don't smoke too much Thursday, when I'm hanging out with a friend from Psychobilly Fever that does smoke. He was generous with sharing a couple of his cigs after I ran out of my Clipper "cigars". He doesn't drink, so I suppose that is the trade off, while I wouldn't mind drinking this cider I found cheap, that has 5% alcohol, down at the liquor store. It's enough that maybe 3 tall cans of the stuff will buffer what I shouldn't give so much of my energy to. "All my past can do is help me now." I'm considering having that inked on me. Not sure where except for my back body shield. Maybe I can add it to my chest plate instead.

  I am not praying my ass off anymore as I included him, but I see now that it was more of having a way to retain some sort of connection. I got one that I did not bargain for, but there was perfect distance that was safer for us both, he I gave the power to affect me. Time passing has helped tremendously. It wasn't him in the casket though it was someone else that had loved ones also praying no harm come to them. But wars come with fatalities; and those that didn't get killed, aren't returning all okay. Actually my father once told me okay or how ever it was spelled, was military code for Zero (0) Killed. He said it went as far back as the Civil War. I'd have to fact check that.

  He's a fighter that can focus, hence resilient; but the bullshit flag hasn't gone away; but again, in my imagination. It's all in my imagination. If I can convince myself that's all that is the matter, I can appease my stubborn insistence I know he didn't returned with over thinking deep thoughts that can lead "back there". He's got loved ones, I seen them in pictures, that surround him. He's focusing on his new career goals, so he's not, not ok.

  He got lucky and doesn't see shit replay when he's tries to sleep, when something stirs up the memories. He doesn't have moments of crisis. He's not appeasing himself through the bottle or other drugs. He's happy. He's very, very, very happy and digs the post Army direction he chose, though my imagination tells me he has to have ties back to where the danger is. That's how it is for a lot of Joe's and Joan's. Over there, to some it seems to make better sense than back here stateside, or whatever bases that aren't in Iraq or Afghanistan. It's the "good guys" fighting the "bad guys" simplicity. Friend or Foe. Here away from all things military, it's all mixed. That didn't affect him not one bit.

  He's a master at focusing his energy on what is productive and practical. He has a place to live and made it his home with his personal touch. He's got plenty of food in his pantry and fridge. His bills are getting paid or he got so good at managing his finances, he only has utilities bills to worry about. With him there is no late payment fees and high interest/APR's because he doesn't use his credit cards to buy what he instead saves up for. He's ok. He's ok. He's got his family of kinfolk and friends for life. He is NOT alone. He is NOT in need. He is NOT suffering the slightest bit. See? I appeased myself with happy thoughts though I have no confirmation he's doing great, and there is no stress bringing him down. Why do I even care?

  I'll trust La Virgen de Guadalupe helped cover his ass even if he's not Latino/Mexican. I am Mexican enough that my prayers that included his mental safety, I felt I could turn to her to do me that favor and extend her protection to whiteboy. Again not knowing him well, even over the couple of years we were in contact; something in me decided I was rooting for him and cheering on the good he did show me; but from that safe, far away distance.

  That still wasn't what was brought up to the surface. That's something, this time, I don't know how to describe. Like I know right? Me not sure what words to ask to help me explain what really is the issue. Even I have my secrets, and other than me praying while alone or out of the way of others, God knows. God knows everything that lies in my mind and heart.

  That wasn't him or anyone else I knew under that flag. They made it back safe, though some admitted, they don't feel safe back here, and sometimes their girlfriends or wives, besides children, aren't safe either. Earl told me how he almost choked out his girlfriend when they slept in the same bed. Just like it was with me and my former husband, she accidentally touched him in his sleep and that put him in flight or fight mode, because part of his mind was still back there, and he became a light sleeper.

Doc is fine. If he isn't, I hope he can focus on solutions to resolve whatever doesn't make him doing fine. I should finish my beer and leave the second and last one for another time. I don't feel sleepy yet, why can't I please feel sleepy?
 

L.G.

************************

"Your own Personal Jesus that comes in travel size!"

(Play Video Para Poner Le Mucha Crema A Los Tacos--To Lay It On Thick While You Read)

(Heads up IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IS LOOOOOOOONG... But this email didn't get sent. I just had to type out what I wanted to say if I felt it would be read. I wanted him to be part of the website launching experience. I guess in a way, by default he was.) ~L.G.

Re: Hey Bones, the official Pauley’s Tavern website is up, link enclosed.

http://pauleystavernandpoolhall.squarespace.com 

  Well I did it! I finally was able to buy web space and now Pauley’s Tavern and Pool Hall has its very own official website. Two+ years in the making, brewing in my mind. It premiered yesterday on the 19th with positive reviews, chyeah!

   I linked the Facebook page for it; now to open accounts at the other popular social media sites I wanted to avoid, but cell phones make them a necessary evil if I want to get the word out on a grander scale and build a following. So yeah, Twitter, Instagram, etc. The way the website package is set up, there are built in icons to these sites. I should state this, the website views well on a cell phone, so I was stoked about that being that’s how folks tend to surf the web now a days.

  I’m still figuring out the configuration mode of the templates, but so far I’m happy with going with Squarespace, though the web address is not what I thought I would get when I picked a domain name. I think what they offered in website building, besides other good stuff, presents things 100 times better than what I’m able to do with the FB page and also the Psychobilly Fever one. Oh yeah PF 2.0 has been up for a while; it’s more active than Rockabilly Fever that is pretty much a ghost town.

   I revised the “I feel like a pinball….” Prelude, and added a video I found on Youtube, of what a pinball looks like in a pinball machine. It was interesting to watch knowing the analogy. I was originally going to use the old Sesame Street animated pinball sequence that counts off the numbers 1-12 and then the number of the day. I actually found one for the #4, but it was a bit too ‘70’s funk. I then did a search for the Ramones pinball machine being that’s the vintage model over at the tavern, and found a video for a newer model in action. I thought of X-Box Rock Band, too electronic and the song featured I couldn’t really hear the Ramones. It was flashy, but not what I was envisioning.

  I think the video I found and went with, however, is more poignant to the theme of the set-up. It’s simple but not simplistic. It was filmed perfectly; I liked the editing at the end where it was not an abrupt cut off.  Watching it, I could see feeling like one, doesn’t feel good. The dialog has been spaced so it is not as confusing as its former condensed edit, to read.

   Speaking of reading, the poem at the end I read at the open mic over at the art gallery community center I hang out at, back in Boyle Heights. It was my first time behind the microphone there and very last minute because there wasn’t many performing that night, so the host was practically begging us in the audience to go up there. I had to borrow a pen and use a paper plate to write the poem down, since it’s pretty much the only poem of mine I’ve memorized but I knew if I didn’t read it, I would fumble. I’ve since extended it, but the new verses won’t appear for a while.

  I felt my heart pound hard in my chest, but it was because I wasn’t used to it. The audience applauded and that felt good. I’ve read again since, premiering “Combat Jones” that I composed back in late 2004. I was told it hit close to home, by one combat veteran. I’ve considered submitting it to Leatherneck Magazine, but I don’t have a subscription anymore. I’ll figure that one out. But the poem at the end of the Prelude, I named it “I feel like a pinball learning how.” It goes along with the whole Irony kick I’ve been on.

   In the “first” official chapter from Book #1 “Pauley’s Retarded Children” called “You Ready?” I added more stuff to it, one of the obvious revisions is pointing out that the tavern pinball machine is of the Ramones. On a lark I Googled images of “Ramones pinball machine” and sure as heck, the pinball machines exist. I almost went with an AC/DC pinball machine, since well, they rawk! I mean who doesn’t get amped up to Thunder Struck?

  I had seen I think in the movie “Role Models” if I am not mistaking the title, a KISS pinball machine, and since I like them too and I’m not ashamed to admit that, I considered it; but the Ramones I am more sentimental about.

Wait For "Personal Jesus"To End Before You Play This Next Video To Keep The Soundtrack Going. Also See If You Notice What gets Sung by Joey All The Way Down... .

   Did you know my longest known female friend of 19 years named Vero, shares her birthday of May 19, with Joey Ramone?

   And this made me chuckle for yet another trippy connection: The Ramones formed in 1974, same year she was born and turns out my 1st cousin besides another cool dude friend on Psychobilly Fever, that are also ’74 babies, he got to celebrate his 40th birthday as a free man. He did a lot of time in prison and his ink proves it, almost Yakuza but Azteca. We actually related because we both were given grief for our ink, when I got to see him again after many years. He covers his up, understandably, but it brought a smile to his face when he seen my sparrows. So yeah, the Ramones have their 40th birthday milestone this year as well this Summer. Actually there’s another trippy unintended connection, actually there’s one more after that one.

   The only t-shirt I ever designed for a custom order online was for my friend Vero’s friend’s birthday, and it was of the Ramones, go fig. But it came to me a few days back, I had to replace the CD of the Ramones I borrowed from the library, which was “borrowed” from me without my permission by a flash in the pan. If I had filed a police report, I wouldn’t have had to replace it or pay fees, and have my checking out privileges put on hold.

   I didn’t have much money back in 2011 to even afford ordering a replacement, and it was 2012 when I finally had enough to pay for the CD, but if I wanted the free shipping from Amazon, I had to spend a bit more, and well I ordered the DVD of the movie Spooner so I could actually watch it past the trailer on YouTube. It fell through the cracks in the art house theaters, and wasn't available for purchase, for a few years after its release.

  It took watching it twice to really appreciate the story line, though the ending as I told my gal pal that also is on Psychobilly Fever, that wants to watch it but didn’t want the spoiler; the ending is not typical Hollywood. It’s actually sweet and I liked the message I seen. So yuppers, ironic and then some.

   I was tempted to contact this email address before my 2nd surgery to remove the IUD that dislodged and migrated in to my abdominal cavity. Little bugger poked through my uterus, that closed up on its own thankfully. I was more nervous than the previous surgery. The 2nd time the docs made 3 small incisions in my abdomen, where as the 1st time they went through vaginally. Both times I had to be put under.

  Well the concern with the 2nd surgery, was that upon trying to remove the IUD, that it would cut surrounding organs and cause bleeding and my doctor had a different tone to her voice when she explained the risks. It seemed like the second surgery was more delicate than the first that was really only getting scoped with a camera. Luckily surgery was a success, and I do see the truth in 3rd time is the charm, to get that thing out of me. I was able to go home the same day.

  I was achy for about a week, I couldn’t lift heavy things or stretch my arms to take something off the top of my book case that’s taller than me. I was prescribed pain killers that helped, but after I took it easy, I was bouncing back pretty cool. The 1st surgery though was more about bleeding heavily, as a concern. I wasn’t soaking pads an hour, so there was no need to go to the ER thank Goodness! But I was down for a while with taking it easier with pelvic rest, than the second time. I ended up having Norplant placed in my arm, which is very trippy to feel under the skin. Friends that have touched it all cringed, which was pretty funny.

  I guess it was the old habit wanting to turn to your email address, but I was a big girl about it. What you said before about focusing did come to mind, especially once I was transferred to the operating table. I was scared and did tear up, then I focused on being positive and trusting God wasn’t going to let me get jacked up. I was able to calm myself down before the anesthesia, and it was easy peasy in recovery, though I was served Jello to eat.

  I am amazed how far medicine has come with less invasive procedures. What was nice about all this, it was female docs that operated. I actually think the primary surgeon was pregnant at that! They were inspirational Bones.

Play Video To Take Some Of The Edge Off As You Read

(If you want to keep reading, next part is an update about my custody/visitation cases with my kids)

  Well great news is my bond with my 15yr old daughter is getting stronger, which feels wonderful. She’s been reaching out more and being very thoughtful. I still have the visitation/custody case open, not sure how much more to go. There are a few things to iron out, but at least I am no longer intimidated by my daughter’s father or his lawyer, that my pro bono lawyer called an asshole after mediating with him.

  He’s the kind of lawyer that sold his soul to the Devil, not exaggerating. I think his designer suit, including his designer shoes and socks combined probably cost more than what I receive in a month from my disability benefits, and that’s just under $1,100. With him, it’s very obvious money talks and he has expensive tastes to support.

  I finally opened up about it on the 4th anniversary since I seen my little boy that was May 4th. I decided to change it to sweeter by buying web space for Pauley's, and watching scenes from Disney’s Dumbo on that day, helped for the happy ending of Dumbo’s reunion with his mommy. It boosted hope. My friends on Facebook finally seen the pictures that showed I wasn’t making things up, on that day too.

****edit****

  I know my little dude is smart as a whip and will question why he can’t see me, especially around Mother’s Day. It’s emotional blackmail that puts my son in the middle and that’s not right. I have faith and believe my friends when they say it will work out and my son will know the truth. I hope he can forgive the family that denies my side of his.

  There really are many rooting for us, so I don’t feel alone in this fight. I’m going to attempt to open a new case with legal aid once my daughter’s case is settled. If it feels like it’s going to take a lot longer, or it settles but they can’t take my case with him, I’ll find a way to get a grand to negotiate with a lawyer willing to accept that as a retainer. And if they require more for their services, I’ll ask about a payment plan.

  Since I moved and my rent is less, I have more to work with and living below my means adds to that. Right now though, I’m paying off what’s left of the debt my mom incurred on my behalf for household items like my refrigerator and free standing closet, it’s the right thing to do and I want to do it. I crunched the numbers and I project that I can pay off the $1,400 left by January 2015 if I give myself a month off for Christmas. (6/22/14 It's more. It's looking more like January 2016) In the meantime I’ll have to show further patience and build a strong case I am a fit parent that is stable and no danger to my children. My psychologist and psychiatrist already deemed me stable and safe.

   I am aiming to start taking parenting classes mid June. No judge has ordered me to take them; I’m doing it by my own accord. I should ask the judges however to send my exes or babydaddies that I really do not like that term like babymama, to take parenting classes also and for sure order a psych evaluation on my sons’ dad that did return with PTSD and he got blown up, so he has TBI issues also. 

I was asked by one of the greenside docs that served with him in Iraq, that had to do some time over on the blue on base too, what was wrong with him because it wasn’t funny anymore when he would get mad. I had to have what felt like a parent teacher conference with his Chief, while we were still married and he was on board the Naval Hospital with blueside docs that didn’t understand or could relate. We had to do an intervention to give you an idea of what state he was in.

****edit****

************************

Play Video, Read Below And Listen If You Can Find "A Pair" Seeing it Right There

****Hint: Look Back Above****

Happy Gleaning!

(If you still feel up to reading *sigh*)

  Other than this, I’m still getting tattooed for free. I want my friend to settle in to her new place before I trek it down to the shop. We want to aim for two sessions a week, alternating locations. If I can handle more than two and not get a fever, then we’ll aim for three, maybe four. I think more than that is pushing it. I’m looking forward to completing my chest plate and covering up my back. I’m so going to be a painted lady. I figured years of depression and wearing black, I’ve been at the point where I want color in my life, kind of like it was in The Wizard of Oz....

****edit****

  If you do check out the website, the early chapters were written two years ago, with a few recent revisions like adding the the Ramones pinball machine. It’s an allegory I planned out to be told over the course of 7 books which will take years to complete as I envision them. Though you’d be in my thoughts while I finish up, I can honestly say I’m not stuck anymore, I’ve found peace with rejection to be straight up. Thing is and no offense, I kinda painted myself in to a corner with that one. I'm keeping a sense of humor about it all. You're invited to do the same if you like.

   I do wonder if you’re doing well for yourself too, if you are content and happy. I don’t really know why I’d like to be your friend still after all this time and everything else. I suppose I’m just that sentimental and you stood out as a person I could relate with, or perhaps may relate with me. Don't take it the wrong way, but you had a vibe that you get stuck yourself, and articulating about it, isn't something you do easily.

  I will share this truth. I was a little bummed on the day I consider your birthday, being it was a mile stone one and I kept that to myself. If we were friends, I would have made a big fuss, even if only online, much like how I did with my friend and big sister Vero. You did have a nice birthday didn't you Doc?

****edit****

************************

************************

Play Some Marley Doc & Learn To Relax Mon!

"There's a message to you...."

5/19/2014

Down The Pathway/My Little House

East Los, Califas

Stay Tuned For The Next Confession Session.

When?

At will baby. At will.

After Bob Marley stops singing, then you can start reading. 

It's "At will baby. At will."

************************

May 22, 2014

Something came up with Monkee, need to vent. Yeah I know.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Down The Pathway/My Little House

East Los Califas

3:52pm

  I added the silly video of Pedro Infante singing while toasted more to break the tension. It's about my son and daughter. I can't give details other than Monkee's dad needs help. What he's doing isn't right and I have to show "patience" while it gets sorted out but I do feel like I'm the one person he has over a barrel, and he's not going to get stopped anytime soon and will put up a fight if that control he has anyone tries to take away.

  He doesn't care what his attitude towards me is doing to our son. He's only "nice" to me when it comes time to send my son gift cards for his birthday and Christmas. I wonder if my son knows the care packages are from me and my family. I'm only allowed to send two a year, and still no current picture.

  How many times since I've been gone, has he screamed at my child? How many times has he hit him as punishment for not knowing how to read his mind? How many bad dreams has he had over all this?

  Was it like this with your child and their mom? It seemed for a moment there was a tug of war, then you had to drive hours to see them. At least you got to see them. In 2009 it was 4 years since I had seen or spoken to my daughter. Her dad pulled my punk card and it didn't help Monkee's dad was making things worse. I wondered if you ever showed cruelty towards you child's mother. I've wondered a lot of things that weren't my business.

  Back then where we hung out, there were others besides me asking how you and your kiddo were doing right? There were others beyond there asking how it was going with your child and your custody issues right?

  I rooted for you and it seemed I wasn't the only one wanting your child to have a strong bond with you that no amount of physical distance, can keep your souls apart. I'm a 'daddy's girl', those are the sort of things I'd like to promote to fathers with little girls. They don't have to be a princess to have good memories of their pop, their old man made sure to make what time there was, count. It looked like you really do love your child. Monkee's dad ran away from his. It seems from the two of you, you manned upped to give a fuck about your child, that I respected about you.

  You didn't hide your child, you were proud to show her off. Monkee's dad didn't post pictures of his sons online or kept in a frame on his desk. He always kept them at arms distance, or farther. I feel bad for not making sure my son would have a father that was worth a shit, that wasn't a total lying sack of it. A total fucking waste because he doesn't have to be this way, and he could stop trying to self fulfill the "Cat's In The Cradle" prophesy he had stuck in his head, but wasn't doing anything about. It almost seemed like he welcomes it rather than man up and be the father his children need him to be. I still remember how he treated my stepson. He seemed uncomfortable being his father and that poor little boy looked for him and it was just one let down after another. Why can't he be the dad his boys need him to be?

   It's a long shot, but I got to try to get back primary custody of my son Bones.

  I don't trust that my son will not have emotional issues because one day he has a mother and the next she's gone. For a little bit, I was allowed to call, maybe 3 times and it was hard. I had to talk to his dad and that was not something I wanted to do ever again. He said my son lost interest in the phone call and walked off to the other room. He was just for a little while, which I missed all of it, had he been walking and he didn't know many words. He told me "Hi." Then his dad said I can't call anymore because my son listening to my voice gave him nightmares. Maybe my son left the room to look for me? He recognized my voice but didn't see me. Then him having a nightmare, maybe he remembered his mom being taken away?

  When I moved to Boyle Heights after staying a month at Las Encinas, post getting out of the 816 Prison; I went to St. Mary's and lucked out to see the priest. I asked him if he would hear my confession. We didn't have to go in to the little closet with the screen. No one was around, or if they were, they were zoned out praying on their own and I didn't notice them. We sat by where band plays and he heard me out in full view. He said I've been absolved from all my sins and that my penance is to pray for my children, which he said he figures I already do. Maybe I got off easy or maybe he seen I got fucked over and it was bad enough what I'm going through.

  That church has a statue of St. Rita that it took me a while to learn she is the patron saint of abused women and the impossible, where I would go kneel and pray in this nook where candles are lit. One day I look down at the feet of the nun that she was, and seen her name. I looked her up and she was listening and it did feel I was guided towards learning of her. I would bring her a white rose to place in her hand as an offering for help getting me through all this.

  I was asking pretty much every saint that turned up somehow like I'm supposed to meditate on them too, and then it went cross faith. It did feel nice to sense the backing of Heaven that I will get through this and make it happen so my children get their own mother back. Stronger and wiser then before.

  Thing is, making sure I don't allow what I do turn in to revenge. I don't want the sin of wrath back on me. It's an ugly thing to want to cause others pain, but Justice says what Justice says, he still is an enemy. I may cry when I feel as I process what is fact, but then I dry my own tears and return to listening to what the wind says will change. He must know by now he can't keep being so controlling forever and use our son for emotional blackmail. He's fucking him up in the head Bones. I am numb to him fucking with mine.

How do I manage knowing this?

  Friends help take the edge off especially hanging out with their kids. My family has unified a bit more. Pauley's. Being distracted and pretending you're my confidant when something is bad enough, and the made up guys from the story aren't enough to avoid your memory. There are still some things I don't turn to my friends to understand, or maybe I rather self-soothe and be up beat for them. I'm ready to get over it though. I have to think of who to turn to while I'm feeling low with this. I don't want to fucking Facebook this.

  Thinking of Pauley's and figuring out how to lay it all out with a master plan of action, fuck attack; but do plan to champion through it. I mean going through this, toughening up but still retaining my morals; it wouldn't be as sad if somehow I bring out what can be sweet. I just didn't want my children to be martyrs or revolutionaries, but they have to be.

  I mean through me they represent the children that are being raised to be dysfunctional to the point of a malfunction because of what divorced or uncoupled parents do to each other. I see now how I also enabled them, that's where I fucked up Doc. And they fuck me up with not allowing me to raise my children. Is bitterness with extremes the sign of someone that is totally sane? Not giving a fuck on how that affects our child's mind, is also a sign of sound thinking?

  They always had a thirst for power and that's what they had over me at the cost of my children's memories. My daughter is out of her childhood but she looked for me and called me mommy at 12 years old. What does that say about how she has felt over the years? My son really only knew me, not his father and one day it was just him and no me. He wasn't even two yet when he went away, so to him, I was his mommy, no one else....

  You know how "we're" supposed to police "our own"?

  One Jr corpsman gets drunk and makes his girlfriend cry because he's hitting on the other girlfriends and wives, showing bad form representing the Navy at the Corps B-Day ball after they got back from Iraq in 2006. I wasn't in the hotel room, but my ex and the other older docs were, and after they shut the door, the TV all of a sudden was turned up pretty loud and at the end of the hall one of the docs, the one that ended up killing himself; and his wife were "look out" for something.

  I was with the girlfriend, trying to calm her down, I fucked up and offered her a cigarette. The TV is turned back down and the drunk jack ass comes out crying, asking for her forgiveness. I saw the docs flexing their hands, the right ones mostly. Fucked if I know what went on, I wasn't in the room with the guys reasoning with him that what he did wasn't cool beans. It's still a trip the Doc at the end of the hallway died by his own hand and his wife didn't suspect he was quietly in distress.

  By the time it got beyond bad with Monkee's dad, we no longer where with the Marine battalion, if we were, things may have been different. He got orders at the base Naval hospital and the ombudsman never introduced herself, she was all title and priveledges. I had to use MySpace to find another local navy wife, who was also married to a Doc at the hospital, that landed in the brig for a very heinous reason. She's due to remarry soon and her children adore their stepfather that adores them back. She got lucky.

  I really only had online friends to vent to after I ended up with him stationed at the hospital, I turned to you before because I figured you had insight being you were a Doc too, I'm sorry for not asking you first if I may unload. I was desperate Bones for one of his own to tell me it wasn't right what he was doing and that I deserved better. And I was seeking approval from those in uniform, to leave him and his fucking PTSD bullshit front.

  I know it wasn't for you to say these things, I do remember what you said instead. But it did matter to me to feel I had just reasons to leave him and not ever come back. I didn't abandon him Bones. I didn't abandon him! But you know how the wives that want a divorce are seen as in the home front culture. Just wanting a better life and another chance at getting romance right with someone that won't treat me like shit, made me a "lying, cheating whore." by default. Why does the word whore get thrown around so easily Doc?

Back To The Future the disturbing I got to learn about that concerns him, I'm calmer but still... I can't say it. I can't say it here and I'm not ready to call up a friend to talk about it now. I have therapy tomorrow, I'll tell my psychologist what had me upset enough to type up another confession. 6:06pm

Play Video For Soundtrack, But First Watch Out For The Ferris Bueller's Day Off Moment And The Gal's Facial Expression. Then Proceed To Read.

6:57pm

  I needed to listen to something mellow, problem is a lot of ballads are about romantic love. At least this one is more about inner light and it being seen as blessed. The beginning of the video shows a bit of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, with a guy content drowning but hasn't yet. Looks like he's still undecided but he has to decide soon because he can't hold his breath much longer. This chicks jumps in to pull him out to safety, then the motherfucker goes back to trying to drown all over and the chick has this classic expression of "You got to be fucking shitting me!!!"

  This group Mana is huge in Latin American "Rock en Espanol" which really is more like the "Alternative" from our 1990's, but these artists took it to a whole other level. My eyes ache a bit from the the self service emotional enema I had typing a message to your memory. I should just nominate you for Sainthood for the unintentional miracle you didn't know you pulled out of your ass when just being cool made me feel better.

  It hasn't felt good thinking about all I do with what is moving so slow. I should close. Maybe later I'll add more. I don't feel this confession session is over. What's funny in a sad way, for a while me expressing myself in a blog, was the only real way to gauge where I'm at in my head. Right now it hurts. I got to eat something so I can take my Geodon and some Tynnanol.

--On Hold--

8:15pm

  I cooked for myself tonight. I've been trying to go vegan, but I have eaten meat recently. I made sure to give thanks. A bit ago it was vegetarian. Angel hair pasta with wilted kale, diced tomato, quartered mushrooms, cumin, paprika, black pepper, garlic salt, pesto sauce and a shot of the chile sauce served in little plastic containers, from ordering Chinese food. And then I topped it off with a generous amount of cotija cheese in place of parmesan. Quick and easy, I have enough for about two more helpings. I still portioned controlled. I feel a lot better with most of my depression weight off. Though I had to cook for one, it was still nice to cook.

  I'm hanging in there with Monkee, it hurts right now yes, but I am hanging in there like you told me to when shit was hitting the fan on your end. I read up on it. Fucking aye. You really do have a Guardian Angel.

  My daughter helps me hold on because she understands it can get hard being he was still a baby when his world got turned upside down. It was hard already being apart from her and when no one would listen to me that she was in distress. I didn't do all I could to fix things back then, now a round about way later, it feels like I'll know my children as teenagers.

  I try to picture my son, but I don't see him when I dream, except for one beautiful moment when I ask him if he wants to cuddle, and he nods his head; then we spoon with him being the little one. This was Thanksgiving morning 2012. At least the nightmares stopped where I'm back in Stumps and the sand storms kept returning and his dad was making them happen, aiming them at me with contempt.

  Then there was the one of Fischer Price toys like play houses and slides, abandoned in a house that looked like a squat and not safe to be inside of. A part of me died when he went away, but I wasn't stable and my family didn't know how to help so I would be stable again. I feel like I should write a pamphlet on how to navigate through losing it with little to no back up, and a shit load up against you.

 Can I make myself be the force to be reckoned with my son needs as his mother?

  There is no other option as right it should be. I brought him in to this world, my body fed him, I'm his mother to take comfort in and it's been long enough. How much longer does he need to feel vindicated? Why does he treat our son like property to take away from our divorce?

   He made out like a bandit taxing my stuff, and it still wasn't enough. It was never enough with him. Were you bitter when you and your child's mother broke up? Did you want to punish her? Did you act on it?

  I've met the dick you could be and I was really no one, but your display of the fucked up you could do, even when minor, hurt deep, but at least I'm better off so again, thank you. I did wonder how big of a dick you were when dealing with your child's mom, because I know I had you on a pedestal and thought you could do no wrong, I was delusional. I later seen you were human like me.

    I was disappointed, I'm not going to lie. I wasn't just pushy as a friend, I expected you to be above folly. I wanted you to be the good guy that was proof they still exist. My perception of good needed redefinition. I've been fucked up too and I didn't like doing it, but I did it anyway. If I want a peaceful life, I make peace with that, and one thing I wanted to make peace with was, there's no going back after you click "send".

Why was I so passive then aggressive and misdirected?

My eyes hurt still. 9:07pm

************************

Wait for song to finish before you play this video from Perkele doing "Heart Full of Pride"

May 23, 2014

Friday Night May 23, 2014

Down The Pathway/My Little House

East Los, Califas

11:49pm

I have pondered the duality of having pride. I'm more proud than being too proud that I'm venting like you would read, but others can also. Perhaps it's a way to indirectly tell a story that is about life lessons. I was told the reason you crossed my path was to eventually inspire my desire to stick to my choice and forget you, by having the daydream that lead in to creating the storyline for Pauley's. I was also told to stop feeling so guilty. I didn't like being told you only came to leave. That upsets me at time still when I miss when we were cool, but they were right, it was time to let feeling guilt/remorse for blowing up like I did, go. What's done is done. Now carry on. I've gotten better with practice.

  Ever hear this one?

  Jews invented guilt, but Catholics perfected it.

  I was feeling remorse but everything was amplified and it was what it was. Then times after it seemed you opened your mind, I still didn't know what you were thinking and it did feel like a game of chess and I wanted no part of it. I went straight up when I told you things, admitted what I had thought and what I was doing about it. Even if you do have a clue on how it feels like, the days just kept passing and the constant reminders that were too in my face to discredit as not being intended like I don't have permission yet to forget you yet. Orders straight from the Top.

  When I had my spiritual reawakening, I do feel like I began paying attention to the directions gently telling me which way to go, what to do, what to look for and listen to. A hunch in other words. But sometimes it was intense, and I would give myself a headache from fucking crying over thinking again. You know my  hippie name was "Mourning Dew" and I was also known as "Tears In Her Eyes". Dang I've been known by many names, but those spoke of my depression I seem to be growing out of, plus the meds help, therapy also.

  I think it was last month when it was what it's been. I looked you up on a whim it seemed, to read what you had to say at that place where your hometown hadn't changed. Upon my lurking, you had logged in within the last 24hrs. I wonder why you even log back in there, it's like a ghost town with abandoned accounts. For a second I humored myself and thought maybe you were wandering the search find listings to see if you recognized someone, maybe see if you'll have to avoid me.

  Originally I wanted to say I humored myself and thought that maybe you logged in to see if I registered. It being within less of a day, that gave me a headache. I stopped fighting it. If the urge is that strong, I follow just to see what it will be this time. If I could stop it, I would have years ago. I have to let this one run its course and make the best of it.

  I don't want to think of you beyond what I can borrow for my writing. I want to be able to put this tired old memory of you away so I can give myself peace because I start thinking I miss you. It feels like shit at times to know how pointless it is, but I still hope for the day to clear the air. If it's my guilt guiding that, forget that day. I should forget and not hope anymore for that day to arrive and it didn't take more years of not letting go, for it to happen. You didn't accept my apology, all of them. I don't care to keep apologizing to my laptop screen when I look at the pictures I stole like a stalker, but at least there is no shrine. That would be too creepy. Wait, if that's creepy, what is this?

  I stole those pictures so I can remember what you looked like. I was dissapointed for you that after a while, I was the only one it seemed to have left you any sort of comment and feedback over at the social networks. All these gorgeous and pretty kittens on your friends list, and it's my foot long comments that you ended up with, besides my moodiness. Why you held on to my gibberish I guess only you really know, and I guess with assumptions.

  You weren't telling me anything by holding on to that light up on your PF profile. At least you made them visible again so I could delete my nonsense. If you wanted them to not go away, then you should have kept them safe from my own pride to be seen as foolish and desperate, on your nuts, ridiculous and pathetic joke of a woman with no sense of dignity to walk the fuck away from where I'm not wanted.

  Only because I got Pauley's out of it, I accept the past shouldn't be wished on being different, because I wouldn't be who I am now doing what I'm doing with a sense of pride. However I miss your kindness, and if I could have taken back letting you know of the damn crush, maybe we'd be friends today. I didn't want to lose your friendship, but it was either speak up while you weren't steady with anyone, or say nothing and hold back these unwelcome feelings, and do my best to be glad for you when you found someone more realistic to go out on dates with.

Living so far away from each other though there's buses, trains and airplanes, you should be with someone you don't have to wait months to a year or longer to touch. She should be real and able to stand next to you. I'm not her. I'm someone else and it's not me. At least I admitted something, I'm not sure what, but there is a slice of chocolate brownie cheesecake in my fridge I want to devour. I know comfort eating, but I can use the brain feel good from chocolate. Yea.

************************

It's "At will baby. At will." Time

June 11, 2014

DTP/MLH--ELA--CA 13:03

CONFLICT--"The Serenade Is Dead"

Play Video For Soundtrack

Read The Lyrics Another Time

It was the only song that came to mind considering things with me at the moment. I didn't expect to find a video cover to add to my irony unspoken

Back June 5, 2014 I had a dream you came out in and I dreamed you and I got in each others' face, and it was a showdown that the rest in the old 54 Ford Mainline that belongs to Mac, didn't notice. There are about 8 of us in the car, 3 upfront, 5 in back and you got the right window in the rear, there is this poor gal sandwiched between us.

You didn't appear thrilled you got stuck sitting so close to me. The sound of my voice also irritated you. Anything I say to the rest in the car, you tolerated, but not for long. I explored my anxiety so I can face it and deal with it, no more band-aids.

What you said in my dream I was telling Dave's Not Here is what I have thought you think of me, the late night before or two. Then my convo with him went in to him saying you hold my heart. I corrected him and said your memory holds a place in it, but not all of it. The dream was the 4th going in to the 5th a few minutes shy of 5am.

I spent a bit over 24hrs dealing with my reaction and retort to "you" speaking up for yourself, more so because I went on in length before and you didn't tell me to shorten my messages, assertively if that was part of the problem with me. What surprised me thinking back on the fake out, was when you called me a stranger seeming glad to get an email from me. I asked time to pass so I could have a break from this strong inclination to email you a lot.

Always asking how you and your child were. It was more than showing I still had some manners, to show interest in how one is doing and include their children, more so to single parents. Calling me stranger almost made it seem you noticed I wasn't "around". Like, "it's been a while since Cass emailed." You could have emailed me if you felt I had been a stranger.

You shout in my face in the dream "Because you're psycho and annoying!" Fair enough. I felt you were hot and cold as a friend. I did write you off before, more than once, thinking you don't mean to be aloof, but you were. I thought you made more friends than you can manage and not snub anyone. You were a very busy guy, and then you got a girl; I knew we weren't going to ever continue the convo about what punk bands you liked.

I figured you were more American Hard Core with some Dead Kennedys, Social D, Misfits, Ramones and Minor Threat that you listened to while getting drunk off Mickey's in the green bottle. I was a cr@sshole @narcho-peacepunx elitist looking militant and dominant in black, especially when I charged my 10" liberty spikes that were dyed Joker green with Punky Color because they didn't test on animals.

I did wonder how you dressed back as a teen if you discovered punk then and it was the foundation of your chosen cultural identity. In that friendship valentine I put together as a craft project, I glued on a page from a letter I couldn't send, and I did a cartoon drawing of you on the back, but fucked up your pomp, so your hair a bit Flock of Seaguls/Discharge. I wondered if you cuffed your jeans high to show off your boots. If you wore suspenders, if you ever had a mohawk and dyed your hair. In one pic looking at you; they was a bit of goth boi, which I consider the macabre of goth but the tempo of punk, that's how you came to like psychobilly, and have the chest plate you do.

I listened to Youth Brigade, MDC, 7 Seconds, Minor Threat which is why I have the x branded on my left hand. I loved Crucifix, Discharge, Conflict, Flux of Pink Indians, Cock Sparrer, Massacre 68, Defiance, Autonomy, Resist and Resist, Emperismo, Dogma Mundista, Social D, Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Sex Pistols and the Ramones. Oh and the Dead Milk Men because they sang "Punkrock Girl". I have yet to be dedicated that song.

Yeah I was going to test how much in to punk you were. I may have retired in to rockabilly or psychobilly, though Vero was the first to say I was gothabilly. I didn't know what any of these were, I was always stuck in between the generations of what my older friends got in to. Either born too soon or born to late and I caught the tail end with the older ones, before I made way for the kiddos that would continue to fuck up whatever punk was supposed to be.

(Veer) What concerned me when I did go back to a backyard gig, wasn't just how much underage drinking there was, but these teens seemed happy an "elder" came to hang out. Then they seemed eager to tell me of what is hurting them, as if I was an adult that would listen and not punish them for being honest and open.

Then after hanging out with a 15 yr old girl that is busty, like too busty for her safety, as I got to know her over time, I seen she was hyper sexual, and turns out that she was being molested and ended up developing an issue with anorexia also and went down to 94lbs. She and another teen that opened up about their suicidal thoughts the night we met, and one time I was online to catch him just before dawn, when there was no doubt his update was an outcry for help. I listened and got him to vent and he said that knowing I cared helped him feel better.

Well the gig was broken up by the fuzz, no surprise there, kids brought that one down on themselves. Well this 15yr old busty girl wearing skimpy clothes, and the 16yr old boy were going to walk an hour and a half starting at 10pm to another gig they heard about, but weren't really sure where, just some vague directions of streets. If the gig they started at got raided, what made them think the one they were going to get to, if they find it at midnight, was going to still be hoppin'?

I ran in to my skater neighbor that was 19yrs old at the time at that gig, and we both couldn't let them walk that late at night by themselves. After a while, I pulled rank with the kiddos and said we are going back to my apartment and they are calling their guardians to pick them up. Unfortunately the lagged it and we miss the last train going towards Union Station.

We were on Whittier and we were walking on Indiana and that's not an area I like to be around because that's where my old school was, where I was rapped. Well these 3 teens helped me confront that anxiety and I made it to 3rd street and it took us 40 minutes or so to walk back to my place. The girl called her aunt and before her aunt arrived, she said she wished her mom was more like me because I listened. When her aunt arrived, I walk her and the boy down stairs to the front door of the apartment building, and the aunt asked me if I was the mom. I'm guessing I looked my age and/or she thought my kid was one of their friends. I bullshit and said I was in my most grown up voice, and she thanked me.

I seen that girl again at another gig and she was drunk and stoned, and making out with another 15 year old boy that was fucking thrashed. Little shit couldn't even stay standing up straight or keep his eyes open. At one point he falls down next to me. One handed, I grab him by his MC jacket collar and lift him up and reclined him against the fence for support, fucker slid down. Why he was that fucking drunk, that young, out at a gig and it was past 10pm makes me wonder if their parents were in denial, too busy, apathetic, going through problems themselves, but I still remember him almost 3 years later.

The teen girl I think was being molested by a male, because she says she's gay, but she acts bi because I seen her kiss that boy and 15 going on 40, I asked her what happened to being in to girls, she answers because she is a hoebag. Where the fuck are these kids learning these words?

Oh yeah, Facebook.\

Anyway, the teens got me reminiscing about "back in my day" like I'm a fucking grandma, and they gathered round and listened attentively. That's scary that they were. I was talking more about organizing prior to the internet and cell phones and some adventure stories like one when I thought I was going to get a beat down by a riot squad cop walking towards me, until he realized the broom I had wasn't going to be used as a weapon, I was there to sweep up the broken glass.

I volunteered with AGC (Anti-Golden Voice Collective) that really was just one guy, that trusted me with the cash box and that's how I didn't have to pay for the shows he put together as a promoter. DIRT from England was the headlining band, I was excited because it was DIRT! They didn't get to play, none of the bands got to play because the damn fucking gutter punks made a huge mess and the neighbors around the hall complained, and the Riot Squad was called and they started throwing bottles at the cops, because they were "anti-establishment" and "Down with The Man!"

No.

What they were was fucking drunk and stooooopid, lazy ass peacocks that spange for their beer fund of Shlitz, and wouldn't adapt to hold down a job, so to keep looking all postcard, they became squaters because that is being "Hard Core". These are the same dipshits that fucked up the Big Bear Anarchist Convention of '94, and made a mess there too. But what if I was preaching questionable ideology and telling them their parents are wrong and to rebel?

Luckily, even bipolar, I was maternal because my eldest Quinn, was 13yrs old and I seen she could easily become any of these teens, and these teens seemed starved of actual parenting. I kept in touch with a few, but they did make me think I need to come out of retirement and be "Algae" (L.G. and I had green hair) again, but this time not just do vocals like in my old band Never The Same, but play bass. I was influenced sound wise by Discharge, Conflict and Aus-Rotten; and living on both sides of the American flag and growing up, besides becoming a parent; I feel like composing lyrics about why it's important to learn from the past and also give them a heads up of what to expect as adults.

Also get them over being anti-government and becomes patriots that take care of America as their homeland too, because if there was no form of order they influence and protect, would we have indoor plumping?

I'm not sorry, but I rather take a dump on a toilet, than go back to an outhouse because all the buildings have to be torn down and concrete and asphalt broken up so we can return back to nature and all of us live in huts or tents, etc on communes and be autonomous. Oh and no one is allowed to have a religion because all religions are evil. I feel like throwing a thousand copies of the book Animal Farm at the heads of the next set of snot nose kids that think they know it all and shout "Fuck America @narchy In The U.S.!"; and claim they are suffering when they just had their iPod taken away for one day because that was them being grounded. Anyway I needed a break. I got it but FUCKING AYE!!!

That's why I came out of the coffin when I was done with the anger and frustration. I went macabre and shopped at Hot Topic for the spooky books and comp CD's of industrial/synthpop groups, though I did buy my first Tiger Army CD there. I'm adult enough to be honest and say Hot Topic became cool when it began to cater also to the older crowd. Point is, I was in to punk first, and I tend to be sentimental about certain "firsts". You were my first online rockabilly friend and you were military and a doc to boot, besides in to punk. It was like "Ay Paisano!" We had shit to relate on Bones!

I also figured out I wasn't going to test your film geekiness since you said you and your daughter both like to stay home and watch movies. I worked at Blockbuster Video back when it was still VHS, If you named a title I had not watched (yet) I would know it by the cover box, so that was disappointing there.

I offered to call you up, then gave you my number, but you avoided it, so I knew phone buddy you would be not, and yet you held that against me when there was a showdown telling me "We didn't even talk on the phone!" Motherfucker I tried! But your are a total grasshopper personality and besides it was for the best we didn't talk on the phone, you would have gotten to know me and then had a voice to put to a picture..

 You contradict yourself dude or did, I don't fucking know shit. Others say I do, but as interesting as you were, I couldn't peg you; and if I did hit it straight on the nail, you wouldn't admit it. Actually I think it would have offended you whether I was right or wrong for even daring to want to figure you the fuck out. I mean who the fuck am I to assume you needed understanding because you were acting like you were ready to crash and burn?

Before you slipped under the radar, I was just trying to be cool, make friends in to the same things I was in to. What did I even offer you as an acquaintance, which that's what I really was, to keep me around for 2 and a half years?

Then when I didn't even fucking notice you deleted yourself off my friends list, I just knew someone did and I would scan and scan, and honest to God I couldn't tell who. I figured whoever it was had their reasons and didn't feel like saying goodbye. Then you email asking me to add you back because you deleted my profile off your friends list because you didn't recognize the handle I did change and my default pic; and my settings required you to know my last name or email address used to register my account.

I'm guessing you were cleaning out your inbox and recognized my long ass email "writing style". You know those friendly and goofy, long ass emails that lost you half the time because I was out of it myself because of babydaddy #2; they could have been friendly and goofy, long ass hand written letters sent to Stan to give you a reality break, especially considering that deployment seemed rough.

When I looked you up, I found an old report of one of the dustoffs being hit and before it was, you got the patient hoisted up in to the bird, but when it came time to pull you up, you must  had one Hell of a Guardian Angel and/or God had a different plan and you were destined for something bigger than being a coptor doctor. If that wasn't you, then that flight medic did, and as I read it, it seemed it was a miracle that none of those bullets aimed at them, did what they were intended to do.

I could only imagine how that felt like. I know how it felt like I was going to die when my ex Doc would think dark since all discussions with him became arguments where he showed where one source of his issues with the mothers of his children, came from. One time he went there, he sped up the truck down that section where the road winds that you have to pass in order to drive in to 29 from the 10 FWY; I prayed my ass off that I don't die because he wanted to and drive us off the side of the road and chances were he would have killed us. I'M NOT BULLSHITTING!!! And yet I was willing to stay married. I was that mind fucked in to submission.

Anyway before I read about that, I seen you were online and had IM on, I say hello and then you turn off IM. I figured you weren't in the mood to chat with anyone that wasn't close. But I do remember the fucking scare you gave me when all the color left on you page, all your photos were gone and it looked like the default pic you used was in a way to show you checked out and your back, you turned it on the world.

You were resembling me and when I would get in a mood which is why you didn't recognize my handle or default pic because I was being emo with symbolism. But I knew that scare you gave me doing that, proved I cared because I was trembling and leaving you a comment, like I was praying and pleading with God that you be okay; that your page wasn't going to be turn in to one of tribute. I don't know if you read that comment before the account it came from, I deleted, taking the comment along with it.

Seriously Bones why did you want back in my circle?

You had a shit load of online friends and offline. And a bunch of single and available chicks jocking your shit in your fan club, that I seen got chopped after you hooked up with the one that gave you shit for other chicks talking to you and got paranoid or something. I mean you already marked yourself in a TMI sort of way with the pictures you posted playing tonsil hockey on your profile.

Thinking back on it, maybe you wanted a mutual friend of your previous ex or fucking babymama for all I know, to get the fucking chisme of who you're with now, but you looked more pussy whipped than anything and homegirl had you in check and you let yourself. But at least in those pictures you were smiling for real, like huge. It could not be mistaken, you were happy, glad, in good spirits, you were getting laid and when she was out of the picture, you didn't come off as happy anymore.

I mean this with well meaning sincerity, but dick, you had me concerned because I did know what Docs go through. I don't have to see the carnage, but I knew you needed your friends to nurture you and if some could understand, then vent to them. Then the day you dropped a bomb, but before that there was shit that didn't add up but then it started making sense.

You weren't much of an emailer, though you did redeem yourself before you went back to the same of leaving me hanging. By the way that was the email you got your nickname Spooner when I guess I adopted you.

I won't know, so be it. Name what fucking movie the last part came from. Hints, 1990's, Pirate Radio.

Back then I wanted to know more about the also retired punkrocker that liked to stay home and watch a lot of movies with the munchkin, than the guy on a HD with leather on that for a while, that's what you allowed to be seen as at these places, when there was more to you. I only knew because I met you before you became pissy. And since I'm at it, I seen what was written elsewhere about how you speak. You do have a bit of a "in a matter of fact" tone to you and you squint your eyes doing it, when I caught it. I'm the same way. Whatever... keep following the stereo directions.

Watch the trailer for a 1950's flashback to a classic. I got bored after Johnny Chinges delivers the line of answering what he is rebelling against.

"What you got?"

Seriously, the movie is CHEEZIE, but I suppose that is part of the charm. Also seeing old Hollywood film tricks like the other bikers riding behind on a projection screen and the motorcycle close ups had the bike anchored still. I may give the flick another chance, but you were cooler being the single dad that didn't go for swagger, even if just in one picture you held on to dear life. I really did wonder how old it was back in 2007. Whatever yet again... And no, I don't want any flowers!

Y'know If you had continued your statement, by adding an explanation as to why you felt like a fucking pinball in a pinball machine, I still wouldn't be your therapist friend that was sympathetic. I suppose one of two things happened. You don't trust easily or I kept giving you reason not to trust me. I vote the it was the latter.

With you calling me "psycho" in my dream, I was reminded of my friend Thomas that comes out in the series as one of the bouncers at the tavern. He said one day his buddy told him after he lamented about his love life, probably drunk, some sage words of wisdom. His buddy enlightens Thomas with "You either like them crazy or you make them crazy." Then my friend Thomas continues talking about the chick in question and he said I could use this line in Pauley's, it would only be right if he delivered it, no one else. Thomas shared he asked himself "Do I get a restraining order or do I date her?"

I was bad news either way. These last 4 1/2 years I did search for enlightenment on how guys tick so if I do find myself in a "next time" with someone new, I don't sabotage myself again.

I don't know if I can handle walking on eggshells for the sake of not leaving a bad impression. I rather be the asshole I am up front, because at least I'm nice about it and I don't have to pretend I don't see red flags of something isn't right. If I'm the asshole, then I speak up about it in case I was right, like if  I need to book it fast. But in certain cases, those red flags say something else. Speaking up, I may have been the only person that bothered to ask if they are okay.

If I'm told to go fuck myself, that's nothing new, but in my mind I'm okay with that because I asked anyway instead of looking the other way, and really be whatever about it.

I would kick my own ass if I ever gave up my sensitivity when it looks like it would matter and help someone like me, hold on a little while longer until things mellow out enough to get a break, rest, then go back in to the fucking ring and fucking fight back! Excuse me for presuming you could use my sensitivity and words of encouragement.

I call you many names in the series, but the one I rather you have is, "a learning lesson." That's what you were, and I borrow from it. Thing is though... nevermind. I was going off in to story time.

Actually yes I will mind it.

My chonies are in a bunch right now, over dreaming being told straight up what I was thinking anyways. I can call you a "dick". I can call you a "fucking jerk" but that's not how it played out. I struck first because I had to, you didn't bother to ask what was wrong and all of a sudden; and then whatever, it's done and over with.  But I do actually feel gratitude and my thank you was sincere for proving I need to be more careful who I trust to have my best interest in mind. And also be more cautious of who I allow to know about my world not everyone gets access to.

You, I don't blame for doing your thing, I actually felt I was the reason behind it because I seen how dates matched and you did inform me you are capable of being a dick, but about 2 months after the fact. With them however, you didn't read the back peddling they did without interrogation and attempt at psyching me out, deflecting and then insulting me for asking what's up. They didn't hear intonation but got defensive assuming I was hitting them up. That's a sign someone is trying to bullshit.

My friends and I have talked about it since so I can make peace with it all because it did get to me, and they all agree, that was fucked up on their part. With you, I try not to talk to them about you, at least not with the chicks. They don't seem to understand you got so deep under my skin, I need more than "maybe it's time to let go." to help me get over it already! Then it goes back to finding a replacement guy to refocus with.

My guy friends or "brofriends" had to help me keep my chin up, but they all think you're a fag; and that's when my Libra side comes out and ask them if they would appreciate being called one by other men that disagree on a choice made, that a person is entitled to. ESPECIALLY in our country where there really isn't the fucking dystopian thought police of dictatorship of 1984; so them calling you a fag because you don't see what they do, is mistaken, because you don't have to see what they do. You can see whatever you do and that's not a crime. So being thrown in to the fire, you are not. That's how homosexual males got their insult because they were murdered for being different by burning to death as they were thrown in like faggots that got shorten to fag. Faggots are a bundle of sticks for burning, human kindling basically. At least now it's gaybashing, but that's still fucked up.

Personally it was a bummer, but not wanting to rebuild the bridge with me, doesn't make you one and they judged you harshly, but mostly because they knew how sad I was and it's been years. I appreciate their words of wisdom, but being defensive of me should not get you insulted. But you're not reading so it don't matter, but for you fuckers that are, don't throw the word fag around because a guy isn't in to a chick that doesn't do it for them, when y'all think he's blind. Doc is not blind. I'm sure he wanted to not be cool for a while, he maybe has a problem speaking up for himself, and rather than say something before it gets asinine, I did him a favor and I did say some fucked up shit, but I had to. I'll explain in the books.

I don't care for grudges, but that blow of their silence hurt because I did take it personal because it affected me and added to the clusterfuck that caused me to have my real meltdown and Monkee's dad finally had to give a shit about his son after he kept punking me also while I was down, and he made it to where I couldn't report him to his command, And no one in LA knew how to handle my unique situation and I was too traumatized to even step foot on any base, so I didn't go to base legal at the Air Force Base by LAX. I did find a former Jag officer that became a civilian lawyer, but my land lady wouldn't give me a two week extension so I can pay for the retainer, so I was defenseless and after my son went with his father that abused me and neglected him, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THAT DID TO ME!?!

So I did advise your little friend for them to cash in their Karma chips because they were going to need them. Beyond that, whatever, they lost my friendship, I survived and I get that inspiration to harness from the bad taste that experience left behind. It's not there always, and I'm not going to crucify them or you in my books. I rather tell a story about telling what the signs are when someone is bullshiting and trying to make themselves innocent of any wrong doing.

I had a hunch about their character issues, but I gave them a chance anyways. They proved themselves unworthy of my empathy. Hopefully things balanced out and they grew the fuck up so they don't repeat their lack of better judgement and hurt someone else like how they fucked me up, and my child. Your little friend owes my son an apology. You?

Back to story time...

The handyman named Jesus of all names, but he later told me to call him Joseph because Jesus gets the nickname "Chuy" and I suppose it is as annoying as my first named getting shorten to "Liz". He's allowed to call me Liz, like a select few of others, but point was, he said it sounded like there were tears in my voice still a few hours after I woke up from that dream. He pushed a hug on me that I did need, but I held back accepting the affection though I did hug him. It's just that I knew if I let one single tear out, it would take me a while to regain composure.

The handyman distracted me from myself and he told me of his life. From his past struggles, to saying he wanted no more, and being happier ever since. He later took me to eat at Thai Daily BBQ that comes out in the series, and I hardly ate. When we return to finish doing what he could for that day of helping with the "Honey Do". I felt sick and the little I ate, along with 16oz. of Naked Green Machine Juice that was warm, earlier, plus all the water I had been sipping; all spewed out. It wasn't as painful as the last time I blew chunks. Why am I telling your memory this?

Oh yeah, warming up to make a point; actually more than one if I'm lucky.

I don't care much for this song, but if the shoe fits, that still isn't Cinderella. Play Song 4 Soundtrack....

It occurred to me one evening of deep thinking, that if I keep finding new ways to push your buttons that actually got to you which is unlikely because I am no one, you'd perhaps express your discontent; where unlike our showdown, you didn't say a mean word, just contradicted yourself. You gave a mixed message set-up to where... it doesn't matter. It's just business now. If you want it to be different, that's on you. It won't be, I was tuned out.

Anyway, it had occurred to me, that you telling me off with truths you seem to repress, but for real; would be therapeutic for you like you said you figured writing was for me. I know I am not the cause of all that is "annoying" as you get to tell me in the dream. And from all the females you've known, I'm not the only "psycho" you had the displeasure of crossing paths with.

But it came to me that as a sign of good faith, I would take you telling me off as you were telling off every woman that has ever hurt you, given you a headache, brought out the worst in you and maybe add your anger with the bad guys killing the good guys, just to get you so fired up, you get a breakthrough and not strike a real blow to get it out. I wrote a piece where I tell myself off as it was you going in length.

If this did take place, and you felt remorse like I did, that would have been something you decided to feel and then it's asking what would you do about it. However I don't think you or any guy that seen I was willing; because men that tend to be good people, not fucked up monsters, they rather hold back and after a while it affects them but they still keep it in and they may change as a relu;t, maybe become bitter and most tragic, is they turn misogynistic. And it sometimes takes meeting a woman that is different enough to remind them good women still exist. As tempting as it was intended, good guys would think that's cruel and malicious to tell me off as they tell off the world they had known thus far. Or perhaps they feel great and I get my closure.

This came out because of "White Knight Syndrome" that I had learned about recently when I extended the annotation to the "I feel like a pinball...." I wrote for you as a peace offering I think you read, but said nothing, but you still didn't shut the door back; back then. Why let me think being friends stood a chance?

In the dream I say many military men have that issue and refer to you perhaps experiencing it as well; you mutter "Not with you." I remember getting defensive, perhaps I asked why, it would make sense if I did ask this. Your reply was "Because you're psycho and annoying!" Then my response as we are facing off with that chick stuck in the middle that is the only one in the car aware of this pissed off and showing it at last, I say to angry with me you. "At least I got seven books out of it!"

As I said I explored my anxiety, but when it sunk in, the crisp, clear details like you wearing a lime green with orange and white, with a tiny bit of charcoal, plaid cotton shirt that wasn't starched at the collar or at the sleeves that were cuffed, I noticed. Though it was night time, I could see you're not as young as you used to be in old photos. You have your scattered grey hair that showed in your hair cut's fade, not a lot but I noticed, otherwise, still "Snow White" beautiful as a dude and that irks me I still look at you like that.

I know I went 'white knight' delusional on you, were my protective became possessive and then needy and whinny and then insecure... then pointing out a truth about you.

"At least I got seven books out of it!" I was practicing and plexing at the same time.

It shook me up and how loud and clear it was. I'm just writing and willing to risk for a possible investment. No more, no less.... even in dreams I have to pretend I mattered enough to remember things were cool until I flipped. I wasn't a love interest or a true friend in your eyes because you didn't question it, so why would you fucking care to remember me? 

You were fine with me going away. It was a reality check on delay. I need to repeat this for me. You were fine with me going away. I feel better admitting this.

If you did remember me, it doubt you'd  look me up and make contact. You haven't, even it seems inevitable, It is beyond awkward, where would you even start?

I dunno, "Hey." perhaps?

I don't live for that day anymore, but I wouldn't mind if it did come. That's a downgrade from the previous.

You would have needed pleasant memories of me and notice I was a stranger around your birthday. Maybe that you'd remember. I didn't go out of my way to turn your perfectly cool day in to an almost perfectly cool day . Only because of how strong that will of mine was to risk more pain for you, does it make me tear up I didn't add to the birthday cheer. Next year I won't bother doing anything symbolic on that day, and the years after that and eventually it's a passing thought that has no power over my feelings. It's like I've liberated myself, I just need to stick to the plan because of adjustment. It's turning in to just another day.

Birthdays I celebrate, especially if it seems not many would be around to wish in person, the gleeful greeting. I know for some that work so much, they're tired and don't have much free time to hang out with or have access perhaps to make new, local friends; getting remembered on their birthdays can mean a lot to them. Hopefully you've never been so lonesome, and all your birthdays were happy ones with a little party at least, and something for a cake. My Sweet 16 when a friend had to come pick me up because it got really bad at home again, my birthday cake was a package of Twinkies one of the local cholos tapped my shoulder with, to give me because he seen how bad of a day I was having. Maybe just a matchstick to blow out to make a wish is better than nothing. Yes, me the psycho fucking said it.

Continuing the Ramones theme of dishing it out, I dedicate this one to me too.

You're a learning lesson. To what for?

It keeps evolving.

I know you are a reminder of one of my shrinks' wise words as my surrogate Jewish mother that didn't get to have children, "Cute doesn't mean good." That place in my heart that I told Dave's Not Here about, that hope gets a window seat so maybe it can see the world through my eyes. That's a sweet way of saying, a lot has run its course. I take your memory out and put it away as needed. That's a fair compromise no?

I'm so bullshitting.

Someone must really know who you are to figure out you're the catalyst breaking point that influenced all this, and tell you about it.

That could go a few ways, but I did give you head's ups and progress reports for my Pauley's Tavern and Pool Hall website, and when it went online and prior, where I plan to advertise. Like check this out, I found out the Viva Las Vegas website, has a reasonable ad space rate that looks to be good for a year, I need more details but yuppers that is one possibility. Yeah I know, I'm being that asshole again.

Then there is the military side of things!

I have a few billy friends in the military, one is actually a Doc in the Army on PF too, Depending how well the erotica goes over with the troops, for 'the cherry on top', there's that potential someone would figure out you're the one that got under my skin enough I'm aiming for 7 books total as my first of hopefully many opuses  because I got a few other stories brewing to follow. I don't want quit working when I feel like I'm making a difference too, like you did for many that are alive thanks in part to you. I'm either the sugar or the vodka that helps the medicine go down with the lessons of the day.

Then there is the add on game with prizes to get folks in to story, if it hit's big and I can afford it; Grand prize is 2 tickets to ride The Napa Valley Wine Train" along with travel fair, a place to crash and grub funds for at least 24hrs of visiting. Here's the beauty of this one:

The winner's guest doesn't have to depart from the same location as the winner. The reason being I want two friends that are separated by distance, to get to hang out for the first and possibly only time in their lives. It's to be poetic because that's were I was going to take you for the post divorce finalized date I asked you on, that was if you weren't seeing anyone. I just wanted to get a bid in early while you were single and even your little friend said they bet I was all smiles when I called them all stoked to tell them I asked you out, and you said yes; they seemed glad for me.

It was a sweet idea; it shouldn't be forgotten, so it would make me feel better if I was able to provide the means to make two lucky friends meet up so they can hang out, or go on a dream date of impossibles being possible for s brief moment, before it's time to return to where ever home is for those two. I'll be flexible with the time window the tickets are available. If I can make it 4 friends meeting up, then totally would! And I may ride along with real life characters from the books so we get to visit too!

Eventually I'll open a members only social network that the welcome package includes a membership badge and a special poker chip, that if I REEEEEEALLY hit it big, I'm going to recreate Pauley's as a destination restaurant here in  ELA hopefully, and the membership badge gets the member more than discounts, but VIP status with plenty of perks. But most certainly online at the gift shoppe.

I want it to become a sober-up joint that beats the food at Denny's and King Taco any night/day. I'd like to also make it PD, FD and EMS friendly offering discounts and free coffee, when on shift or coming off one. Coming off gets a hearty meal before hitting the sack. And of course there will be a military discount, showing up in uniform gets an even bigger one. I'd like to create a wind chime effect over at the smoking deck, where dog tag dedications hang, and depending on the dedication/prayer, will ribbons be tied to the tags. The reserved table for the fallen with a candle lit and a shot of Jameson will be there just as described in the story. Then I figure college students could study there and use the wifi for late night studying when it's mellow on weekdays. Or folks can buy desktop time while they enjoys their drinks from the bar. I'm thinking of making it open 19hrs a day, so there is a 5 hour rest for restocking, etc.

The "Gamer's Row" of vintage video games would be extended to an arcade room and if I can acquire a vintage Ramones pinball machine, that one would be roped off but available during the charity tournaments, one being on January 9 that I'd like to raise funds for groups that help with the healing process for war veterans. But Pauley's would be nothing without Jukebox Lucy, so it's finding a vintage one where the play list can be the same from the one in the books. Plus there is a stage, that will be used from Beatnik Open Mic's, Stand Up Comedy Nights, Movie Night; to bands playing, and I'll even offer it as a place for bands starting out, especially with the teens, for practicing, or impromptu jam sessions with the instruments available.

It would be more than a tavern serving tasty and refreshing beer, it's a vegan restaurant upstairs so EVERYONE can eat and the food I want to earn those stars so meat eaters can check out, and they may like it to return and recommenced. I would be creating jobs because it's going to take a large fucking crew to run the place, and there's gonna be the actors playing Pauley and the other heads, and doing a dinner show where typical Pauley's Tavern antics are recreated, and yes it's stunt work.   

Then branding with t-shirts, stickers, other shit described in the books, the books themselves, etc... Oh and the t-shirts are designed to be limited run and collectable, besides show how long of a Pauley's Regular one has been as they are issued out to new members of the social network that upgraded.

One of three basic things could happen since I know how much military men love to scuttlebutt!

1) Disbelief it's you, but still curious enough to keep reading anyway. Which I'd appreciate.

2) There was too much described for it not to be you, and you're considered a big shot, giving my website more traffic to read for oneself the tip offs, and possibly bring sales for the gift shoppe. Like them buying this poster I'm having commissioned with the main thing one sees is a picture of my ass and thighs positioned to look like a heart of me bent over, with a target on my butt cheek telling the world I left behind "Where y'all can kiss meh!"

That toosh shot got paid many a tribute back when it first came out in 2004 when I was single and not shy to mingle, and I got confirmation that it helped boost morale in 6 of the 7 continents, because I didn't know anyone stationed in Antarctica. But that can change you never know. I figure for good ole time's sake, bring the picture back out and autograph it as part of a limited run special promotion... or maybe I'll keep it in stock as a fund raiser, to what I haven't gotten there yet; but I can tell you now, that poster is the only way men would be able to get a piece of my ass since I rather practice abstinence, and I've embraced being reserved with who gets to touch me.

So not only could it be figured out it is you, a picture of my ass pointing where it can be kissed, would potentially be associated. This possibly leading to....

3) You get laughed at because it is so outrageous with a potty mouth and little shame in what is said, thought, felt back to square one; but you roll with that punch anyway for you are capable, and laugh yourself at what you accomplished being the conundrum you became out of sheer dumb luck.

Thanks for the inspiration Bones!  Whatever's Clever.... This is just half baked, long shot odds of theories and aptitude over confidence, of a delusional psycho that is annoying. Oooh there's still more!

So got to love those Ramone song titles and lyrics... Yeah, only a psycho chick can admit she's wrong because no woman in her right mind would allow that to be known. It takes a bargaining chip away. The more men are blamed, chick shit stinks less. And that's a fact!

Anyway the gal in the middle was one of my closest friends one moment, then she was someone else, maybe someone that does matter to you, but she's more passive than anything. But with my friend I felt I was exploring that who ever I like, like, and dates happen with; she'd be checked out. She wouldn't fuck me over like that, she's a true friend; but I know men lust after her, and the thought would be there that I won't be the one he imagines at night after meeting her.

I explore this with a character named "Susan" that is based on many women, and really helps explain certain aspects of deep friendship bonds. There would be this anxiety felt around when all eyes are on her because she is the prettiest and has the best figure of all her friends and other chicks in the scene that happen to be gathered in one spot. PERCEPTIONS!!! Some are haters with her and don't hide it. Others try to pull the fake friend to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, because chicks feel threatened by her.

She's a heart breaker yes, but home wrecker she is not. She's also known for breaking bottles over a bitches heads that don't get it. Susan don't fuck around. She is barrio with class, but can most definitely kick ass, while wearing stiletto heels at that! She's the chick guys fantasize about their girlfriends cat fighting with. She don't cat fight. She bites like the perra del infierno she is, Like will go for your throat, so chicks know not to fuck with her, especially if she's been drinking and is in a mood. It also doesn't help that she doesn't fly solo and me with the confirmed mental illness is still the most mellow one from the bunch. I write in how I am known as "The Nice One". Susan has her back up.

I give her a deep soul because her character is also one whose looks got her humped and dumped before she got tough, and that guy left a parting gift for her to deal with by herself and life at home was not good; and she would have been disowned. She luckily stood out looking worried and stressed at our all girls High School meant for the bad girls, that I believe in the 1940's it was built to hide the pregnancies of teenage girls because they brought shame on to themselves. I actually did enjoy my time there and I was told my Ghetto Pass was that I got expelled from there too! Ramona High School was also known as Ramona Convent which isn't too far off.

My grandma was sent to one to be a subclass servant, to hide her pregnancy from getting raped. After giving birth, my mom was about to be given away. My grandmother showed so much emotion, threatened to kill herself if they took her baby away, that the woman that had my mother in her arms, couldn't take her, and gave my mom back to my grandmother. So my mom was brought back "home" and one aunt of mine tried throwing her to her death, down a well, and my grandmother was able to save her in time. Her little dress you can tell where it ripped when it was used to pull her up.

That aunt of mine, her reasoning was that the bastard child my mom was to her, brought shame to the family that this aunt of mine married in to, was not blood. She was an evil woman but grand uncle stayed married to her, not sure what that says about him, maybe he seen nothing wrong with how she treated people that are family. But yeah, Susan had to make a choice that my own grandmother couldn't have because we come from a Catholic family, just as Susan. I befriend her because she looked like she could use a friend showing her compassion.

When I was conceptualizing the scenes at the Planned Parenthood, I felt it and I do know women that had to make that choice that isn't ever completely forgotten and I show that with Susan and my character going to visit a grave of child whose birthday was around the time Susan's baby would have been born. That's her day to fall apart and it's our secret, because Annie that makes us Three Amigas, would have shunned her back in High School, if she knew what Susan had to do for both herself and that baby that was just passing through.

That's a side of her like I said, is kept a secret. But the older she's getting and her drinking herself stoopid more often, her temper and then breakdowns, on again off again relationship with a good guy but he has a temper too and if they learned to relax, they may actually make a go for more. But when they aren't a couple, she's promiscuous because she has what I named "The Fuck Me To Forget's". My  privileged friend heard me say this and stopped to repeat what I told him, because there was so much behind that statement. I said it post breaking off my engagement with Quinn's dad that was hard on me, along with dealing with a rebound romance that was toxic.

Anyway people after a while only seen her face and body, and it takes her closest friends to remind her she isn't a sex object and to know she is very much loved. But the frustration is there with how she can behave sometimes. She is still a very beautiful old soul.

I should add I also get in to in the story men wanting to have a say in the choice to keep or terminate, as one real life friend spoke adamantly and asked about where are his rights for fathering the child growing inside where he planted his seed. Man needs Woman to have children if he is paternal, and it seems like more good men want to become dads. It's them picking the right mom, and not getting stuck with one that turns in to babymama to avoid, but deal with in court for custody and visitation orders, besides child support. Oh and possibly drama with their new girlfriend and her. Kids stuck in the middle

So fellas going sans rubbers 'coz it feels better, don't be a dummy, you know the rest on her tummy which still isn't fool proof. Unless you put a ring on her finger and you keep yours on, and you both take planning your family serious, make it so there are no surprises and resentments. You'll thank yourselves later.

With the gal from the other moment of us three being mushed together, in the back seat, I felt bad for her for having to deal with "us" two assholes that need to get over themselves, right above her. She didn't need to be the most stuck from those that feel it. Maybe she is Temperance from Tarot personified, and what seemed passive, is more of paying attention that this "What if?" scenario is about old feelings brushed up as I realized something that explains a lot of why it would hurt you telling me those things for real, if you said anything at all.

Michael/Mikey dying was me subconsciously dealing I was willing to wait and wear a yellow ribbon again for another man in uniform, and pray for his safety. I was willing to take a leap of faith and see what there was to follow, but be brave anyways. Like I told Dave's Not Here, "a place". I later added the hope that kept me alive while I struggled up hill; it didn't need a grave like with the others that were real pains; but that focus distraction you provided as a pin-up boy poster child, that I knew his odds of getting hurt rise when he's headed back to Stan. The Grasshopper that rides with the Dragonfly, doesn't matter how much it is softened up.

I cared more  than was convenient.

You getting hurt would have affected me.

If others could be appeased, you got fucked with me, and I'm fucked for the same reason.

I didn't need to know the all the details. What I could work with if you trusted me anyway, is getting to know if what you feel is fatigue, aren't getting enough restful sleep, if your eating habits have been affected; because in one pic your face thinned out a lot and your dark circles we really noticeable. You looked sickly and that your morale was low, like just getting by low.

You could have been going for a fake out, like the look on your face was intentional for the betties to want to baby you... but to me it looked like you were stressed again and possibly had run in to some hard times and tightened your belt because there wasn't enough to make ends meet, or you had a liquid diet.

I could work with knowing if you have self medicated since returning from the last rodeo; where you are with your morale, if you get mood swings... Ask, "How healthy is your sense of hope?"

Terse I expect if anything was answered, more than that would have been up to you, but you gave me the impression I'm the first of my kind you crossed paths with, or it had been a while, as in I was still punk in thinking, also feeling and reaching out. I know you guys have your Band of Brothers, I had my own circle of friends that bought me time because it was wondered if I would last past 16 years old. Why do you think friendships matter so much to me?

That's rhetorical....

Now back to what I listened to when the question was proposed as I took it,

"What is being Mighty & Superior?"

I dunno, I'm an @narchopunx traitor that doesn't think the revolution is the best idea right now with the fact that it doesn't matter how much an "anarchist" puts down America, they are still American and wanted dead by others beyond our borders that won't give a fuck about solidarity as in "the enemy of my enemy is my friend". And because I was an @narchopunx, even if I call myself more of a "patriotpunx" now regardless of whatever billy add on, I understand I come with a past and my actions need to speak louder than words. Funny thing is, I met officers that were punx themselves. It took 9/11 to really wake many of us up, more so the punx that became parents.

Play The Song To Play Along

If someone does think they know whom I'm talking about and who else in the story they influenced, deny you ever met me, and say it's some other unlucky sod that it seems would be crucified in literary form. Relax you brooding type, if you're reading I only go just short of the edge to peer over, but there is always a safety line I shorten in some cases out of consideration and CYA. But what of it?

What if it can't be denied it's you?

You already know, disbelief, big shot or laughed at.

What can't be denied about me?

I dare anyway to play the part of a fool very well, though I'm really more of a zany. I have patience to tell stories with details that come time to annotate as if it where director commentary, it is shown I go places with those details, and then some. That it is going to take something major to put your dog gone memory to rest and there isn't any excuses left to make a point with it. I'm past making sure it wasn't all in vain.

Remember how I said earlier I say enough for the both of us, for all in the Coliseum think I'm crazy for volunteering to shake paws with lions?

After a while, the lions don't represent fear, danger, or a violent death as food. To me as it was shown in Tarot cards, Strength is represented as a woman that doesn't use brute force to get ahead, and she has tamed a lion that the logical weak don't comprehend the significance of that message. It comes from a place inside us that with reason that is strange, it makes things happen. It changes what needs to be changed. It reaffirms that an individual can be stronger than what they feel they are at times, and doubt themselves. Something within pushes back.

  She and the lion tamed representing Strength, consider why a woman, not a man was chosen. Us girls need to learn to be strong because there won't always be a man to protect or provide for us. Boys as I think back to my father's life, their life lesson is to find the courage to protect if freedom is what they provide. Also have the courage to provide as fathers whose children need them too. This could be seen many ways. This could be taken many ways. The way I look at it...

"I did it MY way" ~Sid Vicious RIP

Now being brave enough to admit it, is not like I'm confessing anything bad. I'm being honest and baring myself for judgement and ridicule that doesn't matter to me. It's what I did learn, and a lot had to do with my feelings that I can describe easier than others that don't have the hang of it yet. With you, I was willing to keep liking you regardless of the stress and separation. I had an idea of what comes attached to getting in to a Doc, including his problems back wherever home becomes that season. There was a lot that came attached to you, nothing horrible. You're fucking human, and the human you are has a story to tell that ought to be heard. You doing that, I wouldn't know unless you want me know and send me directions.

Getting butthurt with the psycho thing in my dream,  I was dealing with a clusterfuck and on top of that, worried about your ass and it not getting dead. I watched Wild Bill's dignified transfer earlier and took it like that was you and how devastated your family would be and if you had a girl, I would feel empathy for her also. However it would be your child I would pray can remain the strong little girl I seen in pictures, when you were on the platform heading back out. I remember how your hand spoke along with the expression on your face, but there she was, smiling when it was you that looked afraid and filled with dread, not her. Well at least in that one photo I seen when we were still cool.

Whatever your love life issues are with women, the only girl worth coming home to is your daughter, and all your chicks I feel, should feel the same way. I managed to cry and get more of it out of me.

I understand it now.

Back then I was willing to adapt, but it was without being asked. The present where it's nice to be, I rather break down "the wall" than have my back up against it ever again in my own battles. If you happen to be on the other side, I wasn't there to "rescue" anyone other than my friends that did ask for help getting themselves out from the prisons they build unintentionally. If you wanted to tag along, that's on you dude.

I have my objective.

Confession Session ended @11:28pm (Took a break when Mac came over post therapy. My psychologist got a kick out of how it's coming along with this website for only being up a month and change. She likes my vision. Yay me! And I had to think about posting this. 6/14/14 I revised it. 6/15/14 I revised it again. 6/17/14 Otra vez. 6/22/14--6/25/14 Edits)

Yup, still crazy and not afraid to be open with what I feel and think. If it pays off and a lot of folks find what can help them out, be it with mental health to growing the fuck up resource info, maybe playing Chess with you and feeling frustrated wasn't a such bad thing. If it all turns out to be a good thing, and it gets known you were a catalyst, maybe folks would want to shake your hand instead and thank you for getting me to write again. It's just a thought. Don't mind me, I'm just gibberishing to myself.

~Cass

This is one of my fight songs. You are welcome to listen, but read the lyrics as you do, before you continue. If there was anything left behind you'll see if it's for you (2)....

**********************

"At will baby. At will."

Watch One Of The Coolest Movie Scenes EVER!!! No seriously Nicolas Cage shows why he's a Coppola like his uncle Francis and cousin Sophia. I liked him as punk rock Randy in Valley Girl also. Now he's a character to fall in love to as one learns to stop the world and.....

So wish my copy wasn't so scratched up, that's a great fucking movie! Martin Scorsese sure had an imagination when it came to details and their symbolism possibilities. The white horse may seem out of place, but what stood out the most was when Frank's white shirt was glowing as it seemed he finally found a haven to rest his weary mind. But this after he talks with the girl he haunted himself with, because he couldn't save her, and she tells him gently what he needed to tell himself so he can let go. Perhaps his shirt glowed because his inner light showed through, for he was healing?

Hey do you remember when I set you up with a profile with a layout I made of a rockabilly looking caduce and I embedded the YouTube video with The Clash doing the soundtrack for the scene where Nicolas Cage is trying to drive out of himself and Tom Sizemore tells him those breaks are shot, and then Nick says he's taking that in to consideration? *BREATHE*

You wouldn't answer that.

3:40pm

Meds are kickn g in

June 15, 2014

2:27am

Finally slept, just woke up a little earlier than what I would have liked.

*********************

Horoscopes For Just Another Day Play Tune For The Loons

Horoscope For Someone Else

Monday, June 16, 2024

Love is a mixed bag today, with the current aspect at play. On the one hand, you are deeply and passionately attracted to someone rather gorgeous, and yet you are also being pursued by another whom you would rather keep at a distance. You need to get different messages across to each of them so that things can progress rapidly in the direction of your dreams.

Saturday June, 21. 2014

Daily Singles

A hot tip comes your way that thrills and terrifies you. It's totally up to you whether or not to follow up on it, but if you do, you'll find a new kind of chemistry waiting.

Sunday June 22, 2014

Daily Singles

Where are you now? The past is particularly relevant right now, romantically speaking, but that doesn't mean you should dwell there. Take your lessons learned and move into the future.

Daily Extended

Watch for something from the past to resurface now. While you're a champion at expecting the unexpected, this might actually catch you by surprise -- after all, these kinds of 'coincidences' don't happen every day. Even better, this one offers you the chance to make a discovery you missed the first time around. Look to the most peculiar element of the situation for the biggest clue -- whatever's putting the 'extra' in extraordinary.

Thursday June 26, 2014

Daily Extended

Self-respect is always important, but right now, it's an imperative! You need to be adamantly on your own side, especially when you think back to earlier days and see the times when you failed to stand up for yourself. The sadness and emotional baggage taught you important lessons. Embrace who you are inside and celebrate your uniqueness. Not only should this boost your self-esteem, but you may be amazed at how much more respect you have for those around you.

Horoscope: June 2014

Friendship first

You might begin the month feeling as if your desk is piling up with extra paperwork. It won't even be new projects you're tending to, but rather extensive revisions on previous work you thought was completed. With Mercury turning retrograde in your workaday sector on June 7, you'll need to exercise patience for all of these revisions and red tape. The good news is that if you're working on a vital project you will certainly make it shine. 

After June 17, Mercury will enter your romance sector, where he'll remain until July 1. If you're dating someone, it's possible that you and your lover will experience a few mishaps in communication. Whether single or attached, you might hear from an ex-lover -- and if this happens you'll need to decide whether or not you should reopen the door. 

On June 13, a Full Moon in your friendship sector might lead to emotionally-charged news that a close pal has to contend with. Be there for support.

On June 23, Venus will enter your romance sector, where she'll remain until July 18. This is a glorious cycle to enjoy dating and the pleasures of life. If you are single, it's quite possible you'll fall in love with someone special. If you meet him or her before July 1, this person might be from your past. 

On June 27, a New Moon in your work sector may offer the opportunity to nab an extra freelance assignment or a second job. Good for you!

Horoscope For Me

June 2014

It's OK to be mysterious, but when it comes to dating at the start of the month, the Gemini Sun trines your sociable Moon, so if you decide you do want to open up about yourself, it should be a relatively comfortable task. Neptune turns retrograde on June 9, joining Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto already spinning in reverse, indicating a time of introspection and contemplation rather than action. Venus moves out of its secure position in Taurus and into Gemini on June 23, ushering in a time where you seek romantic prospects who are attracted to your mind more than anything else.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Unfortunately, today's planetary energy will place you in a rather uncomfortable situation, Libra. You'll be the one having to smooth things over with your group of friends. Try not to impose your point of view. On the contrary, you should try to become more diplomatic and gentle with the people around you. You could also learn a lot by observing how people behave.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

You generally enjoy philosophy, metaphysics, and other forms of higher thought, Libra, but today you could find yourself almost obsessive about them. You might decide to sequester yourself and concentrate on these concepts. This is a great day to do this, because intellect combines with intuition to enable you to understand and make sense of abstract ideas. You can apply them to your everyday life. Go to it.

Monday, June 16, 2014

You're defining new strategies concerning your private life, Virgo. You could be feeling like a completely different person today. You're no longer afraid of society, and you enjoy meeting people. You'll probably sympathize with the goals of an individual or a group of people you have recently met. Try to fulfill your needs and forget any preconceived ideas.

June 16, 2014 - June 22, 2014

Serendipity plays a big role in your love life as the week begins. You have some very well thought out plans, but all is not lost if they don't work out the way you had hoped or thought they would. For every failed date there's an opportunity waiting. If someone only wants to date you for your money or status, it should be pretty obvious over the weekend. It's either worth it or it isn't.

June 2014

 Your current romantic situation might not be ideal, but you accept it, thanks to the calming influence of Venus in stable, dependable Taurus at the start of the month. Not that you don't enjoy the slight excitement you feel as a result of the Venus/Pluto trine on June 8, but any changes aren't major ones - they're just meant to get you used to the possibility of doing things in a new way. Venus makes another impact when it glides into Gemini on June 23, and this time the romantic stability you've been enjoying might get shaken up for real. Don't be afraid of passion.

June 15, 2014  

Daily Overview

Are you too focused on the past? Today puts the present in sharp contrast to your memories, though your unique life circumstances dictate which you prefer. Do try to live in the here and now.

June 19, 2014  

Daily Overview

Your routines are not helpful today -- in fact, they may actually get in between you and your most important tasks. Try to just chill out and let things unfold on their own. React when appropriate.

June 24, 2014  

Daily Overview

Politeness rules! Your ability to treat everyone kindly and fairly helps you navigate even the toughest social challenges you face today. It's a great time for you to open up to someone at work.

June 27, 2014  

Daily Overview

Expect shifts in your schedule today -- things are getting weird, and you may find that the weirdness is actually better for you than whatever you had planned. Go with the flow and see what happens!

June 28, 2014  

Daily Overview

You're going through a somewhat stressful phase right now -- it could be quite confusing! Let your emotions guide you and eventually you should come out understanding what needs to happen next.

Weekly Overview

Monday and Tuesday are utopian. Your world is full of people with whom you feel a deep, startling connection. Plus, everything is insanely funny. Some of your friends should be considered national treasures. Wednesday and Thursday, helping other people cope with their stress is a deft way of handling your own. Friday and Saturday are relatively stress free, although they are intense -- a one-on-one relationship (either business or romantic) dominates. Matters that seem outside of your hands are, in fact, very much in your hands. So no excuses! Sunday is beautiful.

June 19, 2014  

Daily Extended

Your specialty is taking care of others, though more often than not, that comes at your own expense, without any hope of being reimbursed. Startling news from a family member or an old, dear friend, should finally convince you that it's time to start taking care of one person, and one person only: Yourself. It may be a brand-new concept, but you need to get used to it quickly.

June 24, 2014  

Daily Extended

Today's astrological agenda has got you thinking about how to add a bit more cash to your wallet -- and you've got some ideas. One of them is quite good -- it involves making money by turning your hobby into a part-time job. Nice. The best part is that since eclipses don't mess around, you may eventually end up doing the hobby fulltime and your 'job' part-time. Even better, hmm?

June 29, 2014  

Daily Extended

Your irritation threshold is definitely lower today than usual, but you're being hardest on yourself. Perhaps old memories are constricting your heart. Maybe past failures are haunting your mind. Banishing these negative influences will take a supreme act of will, and only you can do it. You know what they say about spilled milk. There's a lot of wisdom in those words.

Horoscope For Someone Else

June 22, 2014  

Daily Overview

Something strange is afoot today -- so make sure that you're able to keep up with it! Your energy feels too scattered to be of use, and those around you are unusually focused. Still, you've got a role to play.

June 24, 2014  

Daily Overview

Your past mistakes come back to haunt you -- but it's nowhere near as bad as you'd feared! In fact, given all you've learned, you may be able to finally put all that behind you for the last time.

June 27, 2014 

Daily Overview

Your brain is a terrific asset -- but today, it may just get in the way of progress! Try not to overthink or make too much of small clues. Just work with the surface reality and you should be fine.

June 19, 2014

Daily Extended

Just when you thought you were done informing the world how exactly it should be run, you've discovered that certain key elements just aren't cooperating. You may be up for a few days of instructing them in the right way to go about their business, and you should rally if it means convincing them to toss their loyalties aside for the moment. For now, just do what you do best: Win them over with pure logic.

June 22, 2014  

Daily Extended

Watch for something from the past to resurface now. While you're a champion at expecting the unexpected, this might actually catch you by surprise -- after all, these kinds of 'coincidences' don't happen every day. Even better, this one offers you the chance to make a discovery you missed the first time around. Look to the most peculiar element of the situation for the biggest clue -- whatever's putting the 'extra' in extraordinary.

June 26, 2014  

Daily Extended

Self-respect is always important, but right now, it's an imperative! You need to be adamantly on your own side, especially when you think back to earlier days and see the times when you failed to stand up for yourself. The sadness and emotional baggage taught you important lessons. Embrace who you are inside and celebrate your uniqueness. Not only should this boost your self-esteem, but you may be amazed at how much more respect you have for those around you.

June 27, 2014  

Daily Extended

A message from afar is due to reach you soon and it's going to contain quite unsettling news. This doesn't mean the news will be bad -- only that it will be startling. If it's from someone you feel you haven't seen in much too long, don't be surprised if they've also come to that conclusion -- and if they're about to bridge the gap. Oh, and if it's an ex lover? Let them come to you.

June 29, 2014  

Daily Extended

Look for outside reasons if you want, but there's really only one reason you're so frustrated, and you know exactly what it is. Until you figure out a way to overcome your slapdash approach and your propensity to veer off on tangents, you simply will not have much to show for your efforts. It's easy to resist self-discipline, but if you want to break this habit, you have to start somewhere. It might as well be now.

June 30, 2014  

Daily Extended

Relationships will take center stage in your life right now. In fact, you may be either on the verge of falling in love, or on the verge of admitting that it's already happened. Either way, rest assured that it's prime time to accept it and discuss it. The stars give you license to fully express yourself -- and today's the perfect time to let out all those emotions.

July 2, 2014  

Daily Extended

Be careful about how you approach any business deals today, and try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Someone could try to push your buttons -- don't let them. They're bringing up issues to get a rise out of you, not to make any real or valuable points. A well-phrased comment made at the right time will be more effective than any threats they could ever make. Respect other people's arguments, and take note of how each individual behaves in a pinch.

*********************

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Down The Pathway/My Little House

East Los, Califas

Still their sign and not mine, for today:

The current aspect may make you more open to someone's influence then you would actually like to be. You may have unsuccessfully been trying to fend off their unwanted advances, and have been dismayed when they don't seem to even notice. However, take heart; they will get the message, even if not today. They are fascinated by something mysterious within you, and think you can make them happy.

You both share the same sign. Good news for one, means the same for the other. Bad news also. The frustrating and obnoxious too. It feels like I'm the one described above about not getting it, but with him I know exactly where I stand. It's been simplified for my pretty head not to worry about. With him it's it as was and is, not and will, yet and then maybe not, yes and not, no, yes, no, no, no, no, no... just wait. With you?

Self service detaching continues, maybe indifference stands a chance as I hope it sticks to the plan. I don't think you would make me happy. I seen you lie where it counts not to. It's not even being human or a dick. Even wanting a friendship is unrealistic. "Hi."? No. I filled in the blanks, fascination is overrated. What does it say about me for being so open, I got the message?

I've had the message. I was addicted to the drama. Now I'm making use of the drama and the memory it also left behind.

This is my message.

It wasn't intentional. What does that say about you?

I don't know what it says. Nothing other than it happened. Extreme circumstances complicated the loyalties to emotions not reciprocated. If I continue to feel anything, it is unrequited and the limerence I cope with, that reminds me I'm still capable at feeling what is uncomfortable. A crutch is what your memory was when it got really bad around me. What it will become if I do anything about it?

Healed.

Just like I am an option, so are you and those feelings I obsessed about, trying to figure out how to make them go away. I was told with the laws of attraction and synergy, besides serendipity being what it is; the moment I'm done, the shift occurs. Possibilities will show and ask me which I'd like to be probable. The world would open up under a different light that I'd like better. So far I do.

I will blossom anew yet again, for perennial I am, but this time with a new sense of purpose like the last time I broke through. I have seen the butterflies fluttering by. I'm getting closer to attracting humming birds. These two are significant in ways I'll explain to others, but not to you. I know the affect of that arrow has worn off more. Like I was told, you only came to leave and set things in motion, and it was my emotions inspired what would be the silver lining. That you didn't intend either.

But as much as remembering you has to do with the story; it was my same, delusional imagination that is creating my art. The countless hours I've spent over the 2 and a half years, conceptualizing, piecing together what I've gleaned and what has found me; all came from me and my efforts. I am not so fascinated, I'm giving you credit you are not due. I got smart enough with getting stupid, I may turn a hobby, in to my home based business.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Today's astral configuration may not be quite what you needed, especially when you thought that you had just gotten everything sorted out concerning one particular relationship. However, you can prevent too much confusion setting in as long as you stick to the truth, and don't waver from what your heart is telling you to do. If you start trying to cover your trail, things will get very muddled.

My heart told me to keep my eyes open away. I don't have to demand to get the truth, It's found, knowing I welcome it, truth is beauty and beauty is truth. Then being my Libra nature, truth influences fairness when objective has a personal preference. The balance is, don't tell myself lies to hold on. I've told enough lies for a lifetime. A lie I told myself, I had the discipline then. A truth I tell myself, it won't be that, that spares me the self degradation of thinking I figured out what to say, only to be wrong yet again. I say nothing aloud, but it says everything when it's so quiet.

The truth I think is I've out grown the stubbornness, I'm still getting used to that.

Let's say Pauley's does find its niche and you come across it without me doing anything direct for you to see what chance has made happen instead. Nevermind, I don't want to 'what if?'

CONFESSION SESSION ENDED AT 2:14PM THURSDAY JUNE, 19, 2014 DTP/MLH--ELA, CA ~Me

2:53pm

Mac is on his way. I'm sitting outside on my porch steps, with my laptop, chicken pecking away. I took my first round, I'm thinking of making another veggie dog for linner, so much tastier knowing what I'm keeping out of my body eating a vegan hot dog. Since my primary doctor had me weighed, I lost over 20lbs and I think 5-10lbs more and I'd be good. Actually not so much pounds, but less inches here and there.

I feel the difference with the vitamins and getting back in to plant based diet. Earlier I was chugging orange, pineapple and cactus juice. It's helped with my weight loss and not feeling out of whack blood sugar wise. Labs will tell where I'm at with that and my cholesterol that both were borderline high. Not high enough to need medication just yet, but if I didn't  do a lifestyle change, more medication to take. I looked at my pictures at different weights, I think I see what my guy friends seen. A woman emerging.

That's an empowering thing.

Adding how I am, the best I want to show and what I'm aiming to balance out, good men think I'm a good woman. Even with the sad vibe I give off when I'm more honest than I intended with my presence, they have stuck around and don't try to make things romantic or physical. I must be doing something right to have their friendships. Do they think they are doing something right too, if they have mine?

As long as there is friendship I trust to be genuine, and perennial regardless of distance. That's something I can handle. You not being part of the audience they are part of, isn't making their applause less sweet. I have thought ahead to ten years from now and how much can unfold, but ten years ahead, twenty, thirty, forty years later, I planned ahead that I still haven't forgotten, I got the message with more steps towards finalization, to keep aiming where it doesn't include you; on June 19, 2014.-- End Transmission 3:21pm  

***********************

Back To The Top Where It Starts