Pauley's Tavern and Pool Hall

Daydreams to cope with sometimes take on lives of their own....

al·le·go·ryˈ (aləˌgôrē) noun

plural noun: allegories

   "A story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one."

   “An Allegory is a form of extended metaphor in which objects, persons and actions in a narrative, are equated with meanings that lie outside the narrative itself.

The underlining meaning has moral, social, religious or political significance of abstract ideas as charity, greed and envy.

Thus an allegory is a story with two meanings, a literal meaning and a symbolic meaning.”

   Yes, I looked it the f*ck up and with that you know what is needed to be known to understand what the Pauley’s Tavern and Pool Hall book series is about.

  Oh I should add that the censor is pretty much off most of the time. PG this story is not. PG13 neither. R yes; but beyond that?

Shhh....

Now some background info on the place ”The R*tards" go to play.

(Pauley’s term of endearment for his patrons that don’t act their age, especially when sh*tfaced.

Think about what "r*tarded" means, then how it's used in every day language to be an insulting description.

Just like calling a child a "b*stard", some words should be questioned as too f*cked up to use like they're whatever.

"Wh***" is another one with an edge, and yes these words among others will be questioned, but you as readers decide the fate of these words as they apply to your personal vocabularies.)

   Pauley’s Tavern and Pool Hall is a sort of 'speak-easy' name for The Iron Horseshoe Tavern established back in 1974 by Paul "Pauley" Kelly.

It’s called this to keep what are now known as 'hipster' invaders away, and its whereabouts only known by word of mouth.

Is it elitist?

Perhaps.

Or it is about self preservation and preventing as long as possible, their haven from being taken over by those that do not honor tradition, nor would uphold Pauley's Code of Conduct.

  New folks are welcome, as long as they can respect the School House Rules and don't complain when Lucy gets unplugged; otherwise foos are getting their a*ses expelled!

   Over the years The Tavern has become a home away from home club house for old timers and mostly blue collar roughneck man children with its latest motley generation currently in their 30’s, give or take.

Some married with children or divorced with visitation on the weekends.

They have bills to pay, money to save, jobs to not f*ck up in order to do both.

Occasionally these a*sholes may brawl and Pauley’s shotgun Grace taken out to dance, with Jukebox Lucy playing the soundtrack; but overall the place is mellow on a weekday afternoon.

   The crowd that made The Tavern its watering hole is loyal and there is a sense of kinship between the boozer drunks.

Stories this tavern has no lack of thanks to the antics of the patrons, which also include my own.

   I wrote myself in as a character using my real name because all this stemmed from a daydream I had, to keep me company while I went for long walks with detours, in my new town of residence;

Boyle Heights, California.

   Though home for me will always be my beloved

East Los Angeles, Califas

   One day I thought of a man that didn’t exist to help me move on and let go of the past, by focusing on the existing hope of the present and lessons learned.

  Perhaps it was my way to prepare myself mentally for the future because I don't have much to my name other than my imagination.

 “Mikey, Jacob, Bobby, Joe, Paul, Davey, Alex, Dennis and Lou”

   Names of made up men that are a close knit pack of pals I will never forget.

They all represent an aspect of the men I have known, both in the good and bad; but they are human, even if fictional.

They are part of the details to the symposium full of zanies.

   This story experiment at times is a sort of open love letter to men that have shown their integrity even as they also try to get things right.

These men are strong but also weak.

Happy but still stressed.

Hopeful but discouraged at times with what they feel is out of their control.

It’s a mix we all endure, but with them; I feel how unequal men still are when it comes to expressing their feelings on it all.

How do I know?

I'm a daughter of one that expressed them regardless.

   The women in this saga also are shown going through their own life roller coasters and attaining their triumphs for they too are strong and capable.

It’s just with them, the way their stories are told is different.

How different?

The goal is to show we could use a little bit of understanding from the fellas.

With their stories, I hope to tell men that not all of us are their enemies or psychos, that more often than not, there was an issue with communicating and emotions go on edge.

We can be worthy of trusting and also respecting.

I hope to tell, we can have our bad days too, even if our hairstyles look nice; and we don't always know what the f*ck we're doing either.

We do know we could be wrong also.

No really.

Women are capable of knowing they can be wrong. Getting us to admit it, now that's something else.

*cough*

I want to show the men I was able to reach through to, women can be their friends as well, and shoulder part of the old burdens that say a man must bare these alone.

Even as women, we can relate and be more than arm candy hood ornaments, "Honey can you bring me a beer?".

  But this is to reassure the males that are willing to read, they'll have a place in what is usually considered female terrain.

  Yes this is a quirky soap opera Spanglish novela, for a subculture of those that bought in to what a friend called:

"The Rockabilly Retirement Plan for Punks, Skins and Goths".

And what was surprising, the guys did get in to it as much as the gals. I mean, how can I write an open love letter to men, if I don't include what matters to and interests them?

  From the serious like Erectile Dysfunction or even the car not starting and being already late for work.

To the "Are you f*cking serious!?!" and the latter said in two manners.

One with enthusiastic glee like they scored, and the other in BOHICA despair.

Espeakin' of which....

This is a bedtime story dedicated most of all to Our Troops and 'Docs' green side or civilian; for I do know the power of a reality break, if not reading oneself asleep.

And this because I want to "Play It Forward" and yes I do mean play.

  The man I would spend countless silent moments, wondering about his happiness and safety; he was the life lesson I needed to get me out of a bad place; even as I felt helpless knowing which bad place he was headed back to.

This Army Coptor Doctor ridding one of Anansi's spiderweb threads, tied to the foot of a Dragonfly Dustoff back in Stan; reminded me why being able to control your focus, makes dealing with difficult things, easier to cope with.

The chaos will still be there, it's how you allow it to affect you, that makes a very important difference.

You either learn how to hold on and fight or you don't. That "don't" had been my concern for him.

There was a reason his story began to stand out to me.

"Yet for me that also came from the desert, compassion I also knew how to show...."

  Eyes like his and lack of smile, you don't forget.

He had the face of many that aren't returning all that well; but his face comforted me when it would look silly; but haunted when it was a stoic with unintended, resigned grace.

  So this allegory that aims to be a cult classic, does have its soul, as that odd daydream of mine, found a life of its own.

And it became a Shoretale Fable of Therapy in Motion and thinking up the answers that become the solutions.

It's all just rhyming for the reasons, that carry us through the seasons of change.

Suggestion: Look up Grandiose, Ostentatious, Pretentious, Narcissistic, Delusional, Self Absorbed Motor Mouth, but most of all Ironic Catharsis. Thank you.

Back To The Top Where It Starts

Copyright ©2017 Rev. Mother L. G. Flores. All Rights Reserved.

Heaven Please Bless All That is "Pauley's...." and May No Harm Come To This Therapy In Motion, Adult After School Special, What Happens Cuando Nos Ponemos Las Pilas, Mark In Miles Stones, for This Dreamer and Music Maker Shake, Rattle n' Roll!

Amen.

"Siempre Fiel En Lagrimas Y Sangre"

Broken Crayons Still Color Oatmeal Cookies

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Press Play To Listen To “Rockabilly & Psychobilly Music By Fani Triliro Vol. 7” For The Soundtrack

“Peanut Butter-Oatmeal Here(!) Cookies”

August 31, 2018

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August 22, 2017

Hey you, I hope you're okay.

I've prayed for you to get through your next round of treatment. You're more cool than you know, or others assume by your look that's not exactly bad boy 'Wild One'. You spoke assertively as you communicated well, I understood what you were saying. I was listening while also taking in your mannerisms.

The way you sat in the patio chair with your heels on the edge of the seat with your knees bent, you were fidgeting. It made you seem childlike, not childish. If you want your past ways to be what helped you learn about values, then take from them their lessons that would help you grow. I think you have more serenity ahead for you than you realize.

You feeling like you don't have anything to show for being the age you are and turning for one year older; you do have to show you've learned from your mistakes. You still are learning but when we met, you were getting yourself help that many won't ask for, and instead allow their issues to fester.

You were kind even if you think that's nothing to feel is proof of your progression towards healing. You were friendly and liked for being so by not just me. One of the orderlies asked a fellow wingnut if they've seen you and they were told you had moved on towards your next step in recovery. They liked having you around as you were there to heal. That speaks well of you.

You poor with red flags doesn't make you a loser. I'm poor too but have been fortunate enough to have good folks as friends. I genuinely offered friendship since you lamented most of your friends went MIA on you when you wanted not to party anymore.

They were a case of 'misery loves company'. I tend not to drink, or much, if I'm sipping on a drink I end up giving away or pouring down the drain from not really being in to it. If you think about it, I'd be a sober friend that did listen to you express you want better quality of friendships that help you grow, not hold you back and bring you down along with them.

Your love life is what it is, or was, if you want to make the bad parts past tense. Your story isn't one of sobbing with a violin playing, begging for sympathy. You earned my support by being forthright about what has hurt you and how you have hurt another when you didn't mean to.

It is unfortunate but they were not meant to stay, but rather teach what their contribution has done for your current identity. You contributed life lessons to them as well. What they made of it is their responsibility, not yours so don't beat yourself up for what happened.

I was complimenting you when I asked if you thought you were cute. I knew you had rough edges that would polish up nice if given a chance. You probably get hit on for having the look you do, but I really thought you were, even if you don't feel you are.

Should I go on about your outer beauty or of what's within?

Well, your details made you stand out but it was your behavior that made me think you can be the better person you hope you can be. I listened to what you were saying and your movements spoke loud.

I didn't pray for you over nothing. Me praying for you was to repay your kind generosity and the pleasant conversation we had as we walked side by side; but not looking directly at each other's faces. But then I seen your face and eyes that reflected the light. You seeing mine and letting me know I look to be in my 20's, I know was you seeing me closer, directly.

You have a grace to you I was able to pick up on. You have so much potential it's going beyond your view you don't have much to show for your age. I meant it when I said you were more on schedule than you think.

Remember, even broken crayons still color. You may have been broken before, but I seen you were healing. That I'm supporting and hope you get to know abundance after finding your serenity.

I hope we get to talk again but I'm okay to accept you had somewhere else to go and our conversation was a fluke. Maybe you are respecting blackout for the first couple of weeks as you adjust to your new home environment.

I also understand it's impressed on those recovering to not date for the first year in the program. I do want to invite you out to break bread together, but I can be cool with getting to know you without any pressure of having to rush through regardless of how lonely we've felt. It felt really mellow speaking with you that I genuinely enjoyed your company.

I am looking for friends, and you seem like a kool kat worth befriending. Would you trust this?

I know I got my own red flags but I didn't feel like you judged me for having them. I have been working on my character and integrity since 2010 began. It's a trip how it changed along the way. I think you can relate to wanting to come out of the tunnel more than okay. That the light you are walking towards is gonna get brighter and you'll be under sunlight again.

Dude, I don't exactly wish this, but I'd like to listen to you speak again and express your thoughts. I'm so used to being in my own head space when I spend a lot of time alone with everyone asleep during the night like I should be. I was actually thinking of getting on the Gold Line train and head to Highland Park to go to the movies that don't cost an arm and a leg. I hoped you'd take the same line and meet up.

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I also thought of making you your favorite dish of lasagna that you don't get to eat your mom's until it's your birthday. I agree with you ounce a year is a long time to wait.

Also, it's the first dish my dad showed me how to make and that dish holds a special place for me for this sentimental reason. I also like to cook for others so it isn't always me eating alone or not eating at all because I miss my own kids.

You being paternal was refreshing. You seem like you'd make a great stepdad to the right family to blend yours with. I know it's not my place to say this, but I'm sorry you didn't make it with your ex-girlfriend that you bonded with her children but had to say goodbye to after you broke up.

That's tough when you got to accept when children have to leave your life for whatever reason. You did love them, I felt that; so with sincerity I hope you get to heal the heartache it has caused you because you did love them as your own.

I'm more used to guys that want me but not me and my kids even if I'm not the full time parent. It has hurt and it was a truth I accepted was what it was, so I walked away from them all, though they would like to think they left first.

I'm not asking you to take me and my own little family on, I'm just expressing that I would like to finally date someone I clicked with that would want to also get to know my children down the road. Right now I need moral support holding on to hope to be reunited while I practice patience when it's difficult.

I'm glad you do get along with you child's mother and didn't reduce referring to her as a 'babymama'. The ideal was you two staying together but God had different plans for you both. The trespasses we heal from and hopefully mature a bit more as the big kids growns up to adults; as we learn the life lesson of forgiveness.

I'm currently dealing with parental alienation that does weigh on me. I was reduced to a "babymama" to bad mouth and get other women to believe I'm a horrible person that abandoned her own children. I didn't, but I did get abused which included the fathers of my children raping me. One day I'll be strong enough to proceed in reporting them for their crimes and going to trial where I'd be more than them; but right now there's stuff I got to handle first.

I recently got put down by a friend that was drunk, saying it was shameful I would think so much about dating and hardly my children. And they also said the hurtful things that I have no attributes to offer a man that has the ones I'm looking for.

If I go on about the potential comfort of a romance where I can receive safe affection, it's because missing my kids while I'm at a disadvantage of being too poor to hire a lawyer still; was still weighing hard on my mind and heart. There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship, but they judged me anyway for it.

It is a daily thing when I miss them and cry. Sometimes I have to daydream about other things just to keep me from completely shutting down. It got bad enough with me I had to ask for In House Supportive Services to back me up because I was living in filth depressed and slowly dying a tragic death. Yeah that friend was drunk being mean, but the truths they verbalized that I won't deny other than they were wrong about me putting romance before my children.

I haven't known a healthy romance ever, and since I left my son's father, I didn't date anyone from not meeting anyone that felt right to trust and care about. The guys hitting on me were just interested in sex and I actually decided it was time to take their negativity out of the equation. I've been celibate since I was 34 going on 35; I'm turning 39 soon.

I also stopped allowing myself to get kissed since it still hasn't felt right at that alone, so that was out along with platonic spooning. I also don't like my male friends touching me past a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. It just felt like it was for the best to not be touched.

It has extended to my female friends where they got to reteach me how to accept affection again with no attachment to an outcome; other than I'd be expressing my platonic love without the pressure or feeling they want to be sexual. From men I expect them to have the hope of sex with me more than a hope I'd be their friend for life.

I do have male friends for life, but most of them live out of state, but I honestly can say they are gentlemen. I'm done relocating for a guy and I don't want them to relocate for me. There's too much pressure to make it work where I'd feel guilty they uprooted themselves to cross the state lines to invest in an illusion it takes basic getting along and attraction to make romantic relationships work. I think you also know how untrue this is.

But you do have being local going for you, besides being a kindred spirit in chosen alternative culture. You're not that much older but you are older, which I had hoped I get to meet a gentleman that I wouldn't be cougar to. My age tends to get in competition with me as did the rebound guys that were older I left behind bitter. I didn't mean to but if they treated me better like they did like me and wanted the best for me and my now two children, I would still be wanting to be by their sides growing old with them.

I wasn't ever going to be the girl under the sun with them. Just the dirty little secret to string along and hide. I feel like I'm more objective now to recognize a no win situation and walk away before getting in any further. And yet you with red flags that honestly, how can I judge you in recovery when I crawled in to the bottle and binged as I was dying inside myself?

I stopped drinking on my own. I stopped a lot of negative things like codependent behavior. It felt like you'd praise that because it was taking steps towards finding my equilibrium like you're doing too.

Honestly what real bad is there to you I can't determine for myself is as poisonous as the last guy I was struck with a bad case of limerence for?

Now he had issues I don't want to subscribe to because I had enough of my own. They had darkness behind their eyes of a shadow self they weren't dealing with, by what gave me the impression, at all.

Your eyes that surprised me from how the light caught them, I seen nothing sinister and evil. Yes there is pain behind them, but I've been told that's the case with me. A lot of pain and sadness behind my eyes but I also "shine" regardless. That's gotten me hated on by other females, which is why I don't have too many female friends I'm close to.

But can you imagine how lucky that is to have eyes that aren't haunted with anything negative?

You seriously had light behind yours I haven't seen in others for a long time. It may feel like the light in you is dim but seriously, what I seen in that flash was no where near as bad as the other guys I felt repulsed by; when I got close enough to look in to theirs. Their eyes were evil, sinister, angry, bitter, or just lustful enough to shop around on their ladies that should get a clue and leave their cheating ways too.

Your eyes were mesmerizing in an enchanted way that isn't common. It wasn't the color of your irises, but rather how light reflected as you spoke looking rough. It's light in you worth admiring and praising for you acted like you don't get praised often for your small victories as much as the major ones; like taking all the steps you have towards recovering your sanity in full.

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You aren't wretched as much as you acted like you think that of yourself. You aren't hopelessly stuck either. You aren't incompetent, going back to this pressure you're placing on your head to have more to show for your age. Please listen to me by remembering I told you, you are more on schedule than you think and feel you are.

So you don't have your own place anymore, that's whatever. You don't have a car anymore, there is public transit with a chauffeur driving. You get to look out the window rather than stay focused on the road. You can focus on the conversations you are having instead. You meet all kinds of folks, and it feels good to offer your seat to someone elderly or over loaded, if not pregnant or with a young child.

So you're temporarily poor. What is your definition of "poor"?

I live below the poverty line, and struggle financially a bit, but I know it's temporary. I need to heal more before I take on the responsibility of holding down a job with consistency. I had to get creative with my marketability as a free agent in fortune telling and story writing.

I got published earlier this year to great reviews; and keep being told I'm accurate in my card readings. Applying at a psychic hotline is probable I'd be given a chance and get hired. It's not conventional but it's starting to workout for me.

You didn't really tell me what you used to do outside of construction before you had to take a timeout to heal. You are richer than you think to be able bodied. What's going on in your head and heart makes it difficult but not impossible to rejoin the workforce when you're once again able. Focus on your needs now so you don't have to deal with them later.

I don't care that your net worth is not what you think it should be for your age. If I wanted to be a gold digger with no integrity I'd accept the offer I was given to be taken care of. My ex husband promised he'd help me get my daughter back and offer stability with medical insurance and military discount. Instead he messed me up more, took my back SSDI benefits to pay off his debt he just got back in to.

He never had any intention to help me. He wanted the built in maid with prostitute. He was controlling, very codependent, and most definitely an evil monster I have to take to court. It will be one of the biggest battles I'll ever fight in my life for joint custody and visitation until it can be physical custody; and I bring my son back to East LA, where he did have a place with many that adored him as "El Huerrito".

He's got light eyes but not like his father's that were blood shot and sinister with some very sinful leanings; that it's seriously repulsive and worth fighting off, so my child doesn't turn out like his father. He tried shaking him to death at a week old for crying. Just by a second did I pull my baby away, but we weren't safe.

He also had the nerve to ask I ration his formula after stressing me out so bad my son's milk dried up, and I couldn't nurse him anymore. Rather than sell his motorcycle and downsizing his big boy's truck for something more gas efficient, if not deliver pizzas instead of playing video games, he wanted me in good conscious to deny my child food my body couldn't provide anymore. He did put us through a lot, but I'm surviving him too.

My point is my ex-husband's eyes may have been a light color, but there is so much evil intentions behind them, there's nothing pretty about them being light for it got really dark inside his head.

I'm sure you've been told you have pretty eyes for them being light, but again, it was the light behind them as weary as you looked that I won't be haunted by, but memorable they are like the rest of you.

I don't usually look at men because I'm not easy to pair up with, and the ones I asked if they would like to get to know me, were interested in that being in a sexual way; or they knit picked and I wasn't beautiful enough for them. Real conceited types that I was better off not being with, because those types are never satisfied. They know they are handsome with a look, but honestly no amount of cute can make up for their character flaws.

However you...

You're humble about your looks though you covered yourself up with colorful ink, showing you can be extroverted which I can be too, but I've been told I don't dress like a woman with tattoos that likes to show them off in at times some barely covering attire.

I hope to be covered in colorful ink, but still dress like an eclectic lady with class besides sass. I'm pushing 40, though you said I looked to be in my 20's. I've grown up with my tastes that don't include drinking wine like it is for many women I have met that got older.

If you seen my home and how I decorated it--besides organized it--you would probably notice the homemaker and mom in me regardless of not having my children living with me. You'd see the sweetness I strive for without resorting to "girly" pink that's too Barbie doll house for me. You'd see that instead of holding wine, the buffet hutch I have with cubbies for bottles holds my 99 cent store Ziplock bags, plastic wrap, foil paper and parchment paper.

If you looked at my clothes in my closet organized by color, you'd see there is color that isn't with a base of black. You'd see there is white when I was too gawtic for my own good before. You'd see there's nothing all that provocative like mini skirts, short shorts, tight dresses, low cut tops, slits on the side or just plain expensive for being trendy.

I'm told I'm more wholesome even with tattoos. You had a sweetness to you with your kindness, that it was what I seen and will remember the most about you, dude. The rose on your neck I imagine smells nice when you wear cologne, but how I seen it and the rest of your visible ink, the impression I got was that it was done more to add color to your skin so it won't ever leave your life, since you act like someone that's known depression as well.

I don't know if you're a jerk after a while, but the first impression you made was one I felt at ease being around you where I wasn't rambling on from nerves. With you I listened more than speak and you spoke more than I'm used to listening from a guy.

And what you had to say didn't ever get disrespectful when I had guys focused on sex and hoping I'd want to do it. They site I have "needs" which I do. I need a guy to respect I'm celibate for a reason and I need to feel loved before I ever get intimate again. They meant carnal and lustful which I'm not even for being a former dominatrix ‘Lolita’ wet dream.

You didn't come at me flirting or complimenting me as "pretty sexy" when I rather have just been called pretty. You didn't try to act tough guy like you're an 'alpha dog' I should swoon over and accept bullsh*t behavior of being too friendly with other females in to eye candy too. I knew you had the look of a bad boy, but I didn't hold it against you as I have with the post card types that are cocky.

You were Average Joe in a sweet way I can see you be a Herman Munster to the right Lily to be your leading lady through out the remainder of your years alive. You are family oriented which is more attractive than resembling Marlon Brando which seriously, I couldn't keep watching "The Wild One" from how much of an a** his character was with replying to what he's rebelling against, saying the lamest "What you got?".

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I see a single father not completely down on his luck, just starting over without toxic people around you. I seen someone humble that was showing signs of a nobility that is attractive. I seen more nice guy than bad guy which considering where we met, you were there to heal and relating with others was the bonus from sharing stories. Not once did you act like you needed me to be impressed by you.

Bad boys that are bad guys, tend to need that and shallow women play along because they are stuck in a fantasy where they are submissive to a very handsome dude. They want a "strong" man to put them in their place like some twisted desire that's passive-aggressive they take out their frustration on others, even perhaps their own children.

You came off as the approachable nice guy that doesn't always finish last if you are balanced. Being a pushover isn't being a nice guy, it's being passive in need of standing up for yourself. You shouldn't accept abusive relationships where the chick mistreats your kind nature. By ‘nice’ I mean respectful.

I didn't feel you would say whatever you had to, to get in my panties as other frustrated guys have said because after years of being 'nice guys' they weren't getting in them. Funnie is them saying they want to make "love" to me when they hardly ever speak to me. Don't read my thoughts available to them. Don't talk about the weather with me even, and yet they want to make "love" to me; again siting I have needs that they are the answer to.

That's having sex not making love, which after a while they gave up trying to get me to bite. If they treated me with respect like I'm a lady even with my own rough edges, they may have gotten farther, but they got pissy if not practically ghost me even if it wasn't malicious.

I don't know what's your M.O. but I felt comfortable with you and our pleasant, long conversation. You shared your two pack of cookies without thinking about it. I was touched by that simple gesture that was far from simplistic.

You left a good impression behind enough that you're still in my prayers hoping you get through the next phase in healing your past. Honestly, it was perfect how we met and looked like where we both went to be weak so we can rest before having to be tough again when we're really struggling.

I rather get to know you as you are now, without what you feel you need to own for the age you are, and will be turning soon.

Why though?

Well I'm still under the poverty line myself living off my disability benefits too. and needing Medi-Medi that comes with restrictions as much as opportunities.

We relate on that along with not having a car but we do have a great public transit system in Los Angeles where we both are. There's no long distant longing with you even if it takes more than an hour on a bus or train to visit each other where if you had a car and drove since I don't know how to drive yet, it would take a lot less time to reach me.

So we both can't afford to eat out often, or at all. I have a full functioning kitchen and a grocery store walking distance. I'm sure you also know how to cook but if not, I can teach you, and we both work together to wash, dry and put away the dishes. In other words I got a nice little home you'd be welcomed at where you'd eat homemade; perhaps even lasagna, though it would be vegetarian, sowy.

What else did you lament about not having anymore?

Oh you not having your own place for now. So what if you lost your condo, It was a freaken condo! You're fine where you're at for now. When you start functioning at 100% again you'll start making money again and can afford the rent and deposit for a new home that has no bad memories in it.

So you may need furniture along with appliances, but more so food to stock your fridge and pantry with. You can buy used furniture and appliances, and shop at the 99 cent store to make your groceries budget stretch.

It may take another year, or longer to get close to that, but not impossible. You got to take care of your health and sanity first and you aren't without backup, though I wonder about moral support. I think it's obvious I'm willing to root for you being an underdog just like me. You are welcome to hang out but you do need your own place for a while to figure out what next challenge you'll take on and prepare for.

I'm looking for a hiking buddy too considering how many miles I walked yesterday lost trying to find the Gold Line Station. My legs and feet are still achy but I appreciate the burn enough from actually being mobile when I'm used to long hours in front of my laptop composing as the writer I am, sitting and hardly walking.

I may need to do a beginner's trail but eventually can join you in the longer, more expert hikes you like to take and be in nature where it is nice..

Honestly, you liking to play hockey is cooler than if you liked to watch ESPN and root for National Leagues of celebrity athletes that are pampered with insane paychecks, while our troops go so much without.

But if I would watch a professional game on TV or better yet, live, it would be hockey. But watching you play I would cheer on if I can't learn how to skate. Field hockey I already told you I used to like to play when I was a kid, so maybe that; like football too which is my second sport I like but not on TV.

I mean wouldn't you rather watch kids and teens play at their school fields or at a park?

It also costs almost nothing if anything at all, to watch kids and teens play sports as team members. College teams and their fans get stupid fast but with kids and teens it's more love for the game than the thrill of the hoopla that isn't all that cool when it costs a lot for a ticket, then drinks and food if you aren't allowed to bring your own.

I can see getting out past my comfort zone if we hung out as friends actually enjoying each other's company. I can do things alone, but I've been doing them that way for so long, it has brought me to the point of tears from just feeling so lonesome with no friend to talk with and hang out.

I do hang out with my friends, but I spend so much more time self-isolating. At least I'm not getting drunk while I'm alone, sitting in the dark also chain smoking like I used to, when I wasn't living. I was breathing, but I wasn't living.

It seemed like you could relate to that based on what you described was your then friends' M.O.'s of only being around when it's a party, but to be friends doing things outside of the party they went MIA. That's a pretty messed up dynamic to ask you to be cool with. From what others had to say about you after you left, you left a good impression with them too that they missed seeing you around.

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I know I've thought back on you and your generous kindness of sharing a simple treat of a cookie when you didn't have to. I wasn't aware there were even cookies available to eat.

Compared to the expensive roses, chocolates, and whatever else I've been given by a guy, you pretty much got your foot in the door with sharing your cookies. I don't think I can ever look at another oatmeal cookie and not remember you. Better an oatmeal cookie than an associated beer or mixed drink I got blitzed on, in my opinion.

I should close. Not sure if I'll leave this up and open to read, but I needed to pretend you'd be able to; and at the end be so touched by the effort I put in to expressing my thoughts about your recovery.

I do hope we get to meet again, you have a lot going for you and it's been a long while since any guy has inspired this feeling like, I'm not sure how to describe it.

The guy I was stuck on for 7 years though I've known of him for over 10, he inspired books but not feeling good and appreciated for all the kind gestures and caring I've done. He also wasn't as expressive as you were. I don't know too many dudes that can find the words to say more than a simple few to where I either get ‘Chatty Kathy’ on a tangent that's squirrely at times, or there's just silence I hope is comfortable.

I rather them be expressive about their days, hopes, dreams, concerns, but they are the types that need to be drunk to say more words in their sentences. You were sober and spoke assertively even for a foul up as you feel you are.

I hope you'd get to see your reflection in the mirror and see what I did for the fluke chance meeting where you left a positive impression. Please get over the self imposed pressure to fit the criteria you feel you ought to have for your age, si?

If anything your life taking the turns it did, has put you where I went to recoup as well. If you didn't have any problems then we never would have met.

Maybe that's you being more on schedule than you think, but to me I appreciate meeting you and getting reminded how it feels like not being stuck in the unrequited for a guy that wasn't all that great if he let me get away; when I needed him to tell me what was wrong; to express what he likes and doesn't. Just communicate beyond flirting.

I mean, what happened to good friends first before taking it any further that could end a friendship not strong enough to survive?

He may have more than you do in possessions and in his checking and saving accounts, but they couldn't pull off what you did in a bit over an hour of opening up, and I knew him 2 1/2 years before I had to push him away that I was conflicted with. I was desperate chasing an illusion with him. With you I'm glad to have shifted my focus away from him and compose for you something that isn't me crying with sadness and frustration.

I genuinely hope that you're okay, meeting better quality of friends, finding your niche; but more so get to be a father to your child; because the fathers of my children denied us having a relationship. It was their bitter revenge for leaving them for the last time. So I know how distance feels when it comes to missing your children.

I may not be the right gal for you, but I do hope you get to meet a good one that isn't a repeat of the previous it didn't work out with. You are a nice enough guy to want to wish you blessings of abundance and comfort, as I did pray for when I would say Grace before my meals. I know God heard me want good things for you, so with that I'll close.

Take care dude and stay positive about where you currently are in life. I don't have to ask my cards to know you will make a full recovery with some major bonuses you didn't expect would be available for you.

Hoping you're okay,

Gina from The Stray Cats

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Heaven Please Bless All That is "Pauley's...." and May No Harm Come To This Therapy In Motion, Adult After School Special, What Happens Cuando Nos Ponemos Las Pilas, Mark In Miles Stones, for This Dreamer and Music Maker Shake, Rattle n' Roll!

Amen.

"Siempre Fiel En Sangre y Lagrimas"